About a month ago, I was in the most terrible place in my life. That choking feeling you get when your about to lose your shit or flip out – I carried that around everywhere from the moment I would wake up to when I would eventually fall asleep. I cried almost everyday for a long time and watched as every single aspect of my life slowly decayed. I wanted to die. I hated being alive. I would have done anything for someone to kill me, for a car to hit me, for things to just cease. I came very close to committing suicide on numerous occasions and can honestly say that suicidal thoughts have never really left my mind.
However, I made some difficult changes (things that I would have rather died than do) to try and change things around for me. I said goodbye to a relationship that meant everything and I mean everything to me. I opened up and shared the truth with my family which was the scariest thing to do at the time. And I started to do things to improve my emotions like exercise regularly for the endorphines.
And now this is where my problem begins. Surely I have taken the steps neccessary for recovery, right? Haven’t I changed my life? Haven’t I tried so damn hard to get over myself and just get on with life? It’s a fucking lie. I’ve done all these things and I still can’t escape this hell. Everything is hard. Getting out of bed is hard. Talking to friends is hard. Going shopping is hard.
How can bloody shopping even be hard?! Even I don’t understand why I am like this. I was literally walking around the shops today and I felt so empty and numb and the urge to go back home and hide was so strong it’s unbelievable. I used to love shopping. I used to love a lot of things and now nothing makes me feel passionate, or driven, or happy.
This is almost worse than those intense negative emotions that I used to and sometimes still have. It’s endless monotony. My life is worthless. Meaningless. And I can’t bring myself to even be mad at that. All I am is this miserable person, waiting for it to end.
And it never does.
1 comment
I don’t know if you have tried talking to a doctor, but that might be the best thing to do right now. Sometimes, we can’t fix things on our own. Please don’t give up.