I’m not afraid of death anymore. The inevitable panic stage of dying is what scares me the most. I know if I swallow a bunch of pills, have my sweaty, shaky hand on the grip of a pistol pressing against my right temple, or if I decide to hang myself, those moments of waiting to die will be the absolute worst. All I know is that I need an escape, I need out, I need out of my body and my mind, need transcendence.
I’d like to think that reincarnation is real and maybe in another life I’ll be wiser and not make the same mistakes I did before. Perhaps I was shitty in a past life and the life I have now is punishment for it. Oh well… guess I’ll never really know. In death, nothing really matters anyway. I will take all my pain, horrid memories, and hardships and I will finally release it all for good. Just need an exact plan and date which I have been slowly calculating in my mind during the past few years of my “life”.
Even if things did change for the better, I seriously doubt I’d be anywhere close to who I thought I was when I was happy or who I ever wanted to be. This life is so fragile, the smallest things can make or break some people. It’s all about perception.
-Immurement
2 comments
That’s well said-kind of captures my life as well, the 2nd and 3rd paragraph. For a long time I used to think that reincarnation was real. As I became more scientific-minded, I began to realize unfortunately this is the one and only life we’ll ever have. The only consolation after we’re dead is that we’ll never know that we existed before-because we simply won’t ‘be.’
Likewise, I used to have a good life, then I made some bad decisions, life got bad. Then I turned it around again but it’s not where I should be and I don’t know if I ever will be happy ever again. And you’re right sometimes life is fragile-small decisions have left a lasting impact on my life. The one thing I’ve always really wanted was to love someone and be loved. I felt if I had that I could deal with anything life throws at me.
But I became arrogant, superficial, artificial, overly picky-when I was younger. I didn’t cultivate good relationships when I had them (with women). Additionally such relationships can also be fairly unstable, even tumultuous. And I failed to plan for my future. When you’re young, you feel immortal and that you’ll never get old. Yet it all goes by in the blink of an eye.
Now that I have my head straight, I’m in my 40s. I still have some time left to still try to find someone but my life is still a mess-financially (not making enough yet) and physically-I’m out of shape. Hoping to try to turn things around before I head into old age.
THIS is why I love this board. Your thoughts and reincarnation and what dying will be like are the exact same as mine.
I cannot imagine what you are going through, but know that you are not alone 🙂