35 year old white male….educated, athletic, comedic, drug addict, truth searcher, lazy, the average person would say I have so much to offer…..I see there is no purpose, but I know many are in pain….., I really want to know if people who really believe they are happy have a gene switched on that allows them to believe their own lies, somehow my father understands all of this but is content with life…..playing golf and gambling….I honestly don’t know how he does it, I guess I am afraid to die since I have been suicidal since I was 10. I can make anyone laugh, make them afraid, make them think, but these are all just games to relieve myself from boredom and wanting to end this. I love alcohol, crack cocaine, physics, the truth, baseball, beating people in sports and being smarter than them. Mainly, I feel like I just want my parents to die so I can end this. I know they love me, and I don’t want them hurt even though their pain would be over eventually. I even stand to inherit a lot of money but I really think once they go, I will be right behind them. I made a very honest attempt throughout my life to figure things out. I do have a misgiving, however, and it deals with my drug use. I have smoked crack probably 700 out of the last 750 days and off and on since I was 22. In this horrible existence, life, and consciousness I have had to deal with, it is truly the only experience I look forward too. I guess, mentally, I know my outlook is true and correct, but I second guess that if that addiction wasn’t there….would I be able to lie to myself like the average person maybe enjoy life???? Basically, I would love to find some way to be sober and do nothing but help people. However, the paradox is painful….am I helping them just so they can live a life that has no meaning as well??? Am I actually helping???? …..and the feeling from crack has me gripped…..there really is nothing better…..when I know there really is no purpose it seems to be the only logical choice…..keep smoking crack and not die or die……I know that nw6othing or no one is to blame for existence….so there isn’t a lot of hatred with me……I just don’t know why I am afraid to die, I know it would be better than life…..or maybe smoking crack really is that much fun…..there is a part of me that believes we are alive in a fascinating time and that technology will allow us to live for a few hundred years….it would be nice to see what science reveals in that time as far as finding out more of the truth and reality, however, there is still no purpose or meaning…..basically…..every time I see a potential path….I don’t get but a few steps and the weeds, trees, brush, etc. have grown over it already….my mind will always shut the door. It won’t allow me to lie to myself about my and everyone else’s true situation. Life is a nightmare, crack addiction is a nightmare, and being afraid to die is also a nightmare……what do you think?
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Im sorry to hear that you are down on life. Im also sorry to hear about your addiction to crack cocaine. that stuff is evil man. I hope you can quit that and find something more constructive to doith your time. There is a purpose to life. The purpose is to grow as a person help other people and find things to do that make you happy. I feel your smart guy. Try to invent something that will help people. Travel. Help out some needy people to find a career. I believe there is a life after this one and where we wind up depends upon what kind of person we were when we were alive and what we did with out time. Try geting rid of the crack and do something extra ordinary with your life. Be one of the people that is trying to make the world a better place. You be much more happier being that way and you make good connections with good people and youll have somethinng to be proud of when you get old.
Eventually everyone will come to the conclusion that life is futile. Although most people seems to be able to just brush this aside and continue living the meaningless life. I wonder how they did it.
As a former addict, one of my regular thinking patterns is that I somehow know what’s best for others. I couldn’t even tie my shoes without getting high that day, but somehow I felt I could judge someone elses path. One of the things even the brightest, or perhaps it’s something more exclusive to people who feel themselves the brightest, is our assumption that our view of the world us THE view of the world. There was a time great minds declared the world flat, cattle dead by witches, evening air the reason for sickness. They had a lot of other things right but that didn’t make everything right. I have to remind myself that my sense of uselessness doesn’t extend to others because my values don’t run or rule their lives. It’s like comparing apples to oranges. They found their “purpose” or motivation, their Ikigai. I don’t fault them that anymore. I just try to muddle through my times of despair now to not ruin my children and grandchilds life, though it calls like a siren some days. Your honesty is compelling.
People believe what they want to believe. Some believe life is worth living, some believe it is a nightmare or unbearable. Some people want to help others, some don’t care.
The important thing is what you believe.
Do I even need to read you post? Your title has me, hook, line, sinker.
Your comment about your father reminds me so much of my own (minus the golf and gambling ^^)
Well.. You ask a lot of questions. Recently someone here decided to enter psychology. Seems like a much harder field than physics to me (unless you are one of the recent people disproving dark matter… What a crock, amiright?). Just saying, you could make a great therapist for some of us here.