35 year old white male….educated, athletic, comedic, drug addict, truth searcher, lazy, the average person would say I have so much to offer…..I see there is no purpose, but I know many are in pain….., I really want to know if people who really believe they are happy have a gene switched on that allows them to believe their own lies, somehow my father understands all of this but is content with life…..playing golf and gambling….I honestly don’t know how he does it, I guess I am afraid to die since I have been suicidal since I was 10. I can make anyone laugh, make them afraid, make them think, but these are all just games to relieve myself from boredom and wanting to end this. I love alcohol, crack cocaine, physics, the truth, baseball, beating people in sports and being smarter than them. Mainly, I feel like I just want my parents to die so I can end this. I know they love me, and I don’t want them hurt even though their pain would be over eventually. I even stand to inherit a lot of money but I really think once they go, I will be right behind them. I made a very honest attempt throughout my life to figure things out. I do have a misgiving, however, and it deals with my drug use. I have smoked crack probably 700 out of the last 750 days and off and on since I was 22. In this horrible existence, life, and consciousness I have had to deal with, it is truly the only experience I look forward too. I guess, mentally, I know my outlook is true and correct, but I second guess that if that addiction wasn’t there….would I be able to lie to myself like the average person maybe enjoy life???? Basically, I would love to find some way to be sober and do nothing but help people. However, the paradox is painful….am I helping them just so they can live a life that has no meaning as well??? Am I actually helping???? …..and the feeling from crack has me gripped…..there really is nothing better…..when I know there really is no purpose it seems to be the only logical choice…..keep smoking crack and not die or die……I know that nw6othing or no one is to blame for existence….so there isn’t a lot of hatred with me……I just don’t know why I am afraid to die, I know it would be better than life…..or maybe smoking crack really is that much fun…..there is a part of me that believes we are alive in a fascinating time and that technology will allow us to live for a few hundred years….it would be nice to see what science reveals in that time as far as finding out more of the truth and reality, however, there is still no purpose or meaning…..basically…..every time I see a potential path….I don’t get but a few steps and the weeds, trees, brush, etc. have grown over it already….my mind will always shut the door. It won’t allow me to lie to myself about my and everyone else’s true situation. Life is a nightmare, crack addiction is a nightmare, and being afraid to die is also a nightmare……what do you think?