It’s been a few months since ive wanted to commit suicide and been depressed and each time it happens or cycles i feel closer and more at peace with going through with it just have to be nice about it and fix my funeral expenses. When it happens i wont be mucking around i will down a few downers down some alcohol and choose my method which should be pretty peaceful.
I came to this world with lots of drive and motivation and somewhere along the line got caught up with the wrong crowed from school and got caught up in drugs and alcohol. 10 years later and full blowen schizophrenia. Mainly just voices now and lack of motivation and the fact that working a full week is too tough. Each job ive had since my diagnosis ive had massive hallucinations and lack of sleep. So mental illness is stuck with me which i absoloutely hate its like being stuck in a box.
Each time i post here which i dont often i feel more ok with suicide. I mean im still trying ive even given up smoking and the voices left for nearly a week now theyre trying my patience. If only i had the money for a cremation ild do it tomorrow. I wont be sad, mad, angry i’ll just know everything is. Then that will be my 32 years overwith. Im not hear to live a dirty grose yukky life of bad evil stupid voices blasting in my ear or a life of sleeping pills which leave me hungova well into the afternoon the next day. Or antipsychotics that cut off my dopamine and serotonin so i cant express joy and bliss. No thats not what life is about. If i cant enjoy bliss and happiness and have a stable worklife then life is next to none. Its over for me.
Just hope my family understand. My suicide note will talk about being drugged up on meds cant sleep at night without pills cant live during the day being hungova on pills.
I chose this life soon ill have my exit point. Thanks for reading.