I’m the youngest child of a survivor who made multiple attempts on her own life. How bad is it that I really really wish she had succeeded? I hate her with a passion. She is the worst narcissist I have ever met, myself included. She is extremely manipulative and it may be possible that she is trying to drive me into a nervous breakdown.
My father is a recovering alcoholic, and I have heard from many people (my mother’s own siblings included) that she literally tried to get him to drink himself to death. He has no idea how I’m feeling, apart from my anger towards his former wife. I remember being a young child and being brought to visit my mother in the hospital, where she was admitted for her “nerves”. Only as an adult did I realize this meant an unsuccessful suicide attempt.
Much of her family seems to find it hard to believe that she would abuse (physically or verbally) her youngest child, just because none of them would do it to theirs. I’m guessing none of them has ever sucker-punched a nine year old (guess who??) before. This weekend she crossed the line when several of our relatives were visiting. After egging me on for several days about little things, she finally got me to explode at her in a very loud death threat. Her family now fears for her life and I’m sick of it. I would rather end it all at this point rather than put up with this shame she’s been putting me through.
I feel emotionally numb now. She has finally taken away my one reason for staying here: my family. She has finally won. I wonder how it feels for her? I already know that excising oneself is a poor way to try to “punish” someone else for their actions, whether intentional or not. I wonder how she would feel to know that she was responsible for the death of her child?
Over the last several years my health has declined to the point that it is extremely likely that my parents (who are now in their 60s and retired) will probably outlive me. I’d give anything to see the look on their faces after I’m gone, regardless of the circumstances. Personally, I feel that they both should’ve been sterilized at birth.
The only person in my entire family I feel anything positive towards is my brother; unfortunately, he lives in another part of the country and our relationship has been slowly disintegrating over the last year or so. I’m not sure he’s even noticed as he’s busy with work and his upcoming wedding, which I’ve already decided that I’m not planning on attending, even though I know he will be disappointed and hurt by this.
I’m not really sure what I want anymore – all I know is that I don’t want this life.