Confessions of a Psycho-Stalker

My whole world came crashing down today when I realised my whole world is not what it seemed and I am really in fact a stalker. It all started around two or three years ago, when I took a dance class with a dance teacher I never had before. I had not even walked into the room and I believe he was staring at me with awe in his eyes. I notice that he would pay special attention to me in class and when he told us to freestyle he looked uncomfortable but it as though he was getting turned on. This uncomfortable look was a different but equally unusual to the uncomfortable look he would give when I thanked him after class. I came to the conclusion that all this must be because he likes me.

So I decided to do a search on him on Google. He was very popular, he had toured around the world, dancing and choreographing and had over 10,000 followers on his Facebook fan page. I followed all his social media accounts, his Facebook personal (but made public) account and fan page, Twitter and Instagram accounts. I messaged him on facebook telling him I adored his Facebook classes but he never replied. Soon enough, I believed a lot of his posts were targeted at me and when he would announce the songs he would choreograph to, I truly believed that he was choreographing specific songs for me, so I would more likely come to his class. I never actually got to due to my anxiety levels at the time.

I messaged him a few more times on facebook exposing all my feelings for him, even messaged a drawing which I created of him and it was months later after I made a public post about people responding to fan mail that he actually got back to me telling me that he was ‘gay’. I fell into deep depression and actually considered suicide. Then a thought came to the back of my mind, what if he is actually gay but still has a thing for me which he was trying to repress. Due to mutual friends, one of his posts showed up on my news feed I innocently replied to his posts. He full went off at me telling me he was gay and even blocked me. You think I would get the message by now but no I was still in denial thinking it was a one off phase – you know when you get angry but then are able to calm down.

And that after he calmed down, he again began his secret posts of love to me. A few months later, I came to believe his friends got curious of whose his posts where directed too and I believed he told them about us because soon after his friends who happen to also have a large fanbase are now also suiting me like he was doing. I believed I held a lot of power due to these famous people admiring me. By this time, I actually believed and acted as if I was in some sort of relationship with him. Though because we weren’t friends on Facebook I communicated by publicly repost any relationships related posts from my newsfeed. I believed it so much I literally cried and couldn’t bring myself to do anything for two weeks whole weeks when he announced he was leaving for Melbourne. I found out he had to move because of his financial situation and it made me feel better.

One time he posted, two marriage related videos at the same time and I believed this was because he wanted to marry me. I did not want my intimate life to be public for the whole world to see seeing now I was close to becoming well known myself (from being admired by a number of famous people), so I began private messaging him from another account (because he blocked me on my main account) telling him what I’d like to do to him in sexually explicit detail. He blocked me on that account and several other accounts I have made under my name and he now has his personal accounts on private. Confused by all this, I went and facebook messaged his friends to ask if it was real. All of them, either avoid giving me a straight answer or denied it altogether. I was then willing to pay them to tell me the ‘truth’.

Alas, my university days of critical thinking came back to me when I realise there was no null hypothesis for the ‘truth’, there couldn’t be because I wouldn’t accept it. I realised that I was essentially paying someone not for the truth but for telling me what I wanted to hear. Then I thought about the possibility of it all not being real and now each day I am in limbo, rechecking his posts, his friend’s posts and my own post to see the connection. It baffles me how all this can happen and it is not even real. While I can acknowledge this is likely the case and adjusting to this new reality, in my mind and in my heart I still have yet completely move on. I have made this my world for so many years. I have so many strong feelings and attachment. I don’t know if I can ever really completely move on.