“Finally you are about to make it. Your life is in your hands and you’re decided to put an ending on it right now. But for some reason you don’t do it. You wait. You say to yourself repeatedly that that moment of despair will pass, and it does. You lied to yourself again. That moment where you were about to stop your suffering is gone. But you know you didn’t overcome it, you just forgot. Forgot for a brief and crucial moment that unbearable feeling, which was enough not for killing yourself momentaneously.
Your problems still are with you, your pain is lodged in your chest, your mind are filled with torturous thoughts and the willingness to kill those monsters will stick with you. And you know the only way to kill them.
But what is it? What is this endless cycle? Why don’t you put an ending in your suffering? Why do you always wait when you’re about to make it? Hope?
I don’ think so. Maybe you’re just a masochist.”
That was a thought I had, but even with all the pain, it looks like my curiosity keeps me fighting, day by day. I’m not optimist, but I have to say that what prevents me to put an ending in all this, is because I’m still curious to know what is about to come, perhaps a small glimmer of hope.