I’m 19 years old. My name isn’t important. I live on a farm, with sheep and crops, and wheat, and machinery. I’ve been depressed and anxious my whole life. Even when I was 14 years old, I was self-harming. I hadn’t self harmed or attempted suicide in 5 years. But to day got the best of me.
I walked to my partners car and opened the boot, before pulling our one of the ropes. He keeps them there encase be gets bogged so he can be pulled out.
What looked like a hanging-platform was perfect for what I needed.
I walked towards the wooden structure and threw the rope over the wooden beam. Quickly tying a knot in one end of the rope, I continued to tie a noose at the other end. It was strong rope that was slightly frayed.
I stood on the wooden structure that was 1.5 to 2 metres in height.
I was really scared but I had just had enough of all the horrible things that occur in the world.
My dad threw my out on the street when I was 16, for smoking marijuana. Which soon led to worse things such as Methlyamphetamines, DMT, ECSTASY, and LSD. Being homeless, there are no boundaries, or rules, after all.
I found that Marijuana helped with the Depression and Anxiety. So, I kept smoking, and taking other substances to numb the bad feelings. Eventually, I got to Opiates, starting with over the counter Codeine& Ibuprofen. It went from once a month, to once a fortnight, to once a week, to everyday.. I was taking 6 tablets a day, which went up to 10, 12, 14, 16, 18, 20, 22, and so on. Tolerance is the biggest problem. This eventually went to Morphine, Oxy Contin, Heroin and finally Fentanyl, Acetyl-Fentanyl and Butry-Fentanyl.
The pain from the withdrawals is so bad, I would rather die. Symptoms include Nausea, Vommitting, Diarrhea, Sweats, Hot&Cold Flushes, Insomnia, Leg Pains and Aches, Bone Pain, Muscle Cramps, Irritability, Uncomfortable, it’s really tough.
Today got the best of me.
Withdrawing, confused and irrational, I put my head through the noose and prepared myself to walk off the edge of the structure. I thought for a minute. Should I even attempt this?
Anxious, and scared, I quivered in tears. Before stepping off the structure.
It wasn’t 10 seconds before I started losing feeling in my legs and arms fingers and toes, and the dizziness came on. I felt as though I was about the pass put and then, rethought what I was doing.
“What the fuck am I doing?” I asked myself, quietly, struggling to breathe.
Feeling with my feet I managed to kick off a metal slat that was extending out of the wooden structure, which allowed me to lift my self high enough to take noose off my neck and pull myself up.
I jumped down off the structure and landed on some sharp rock’s with my bare feet.
I walked across to my fiancé’s car and opened the door before sitting inside. I cried and cried. Hysterically, knowing I was over living but couldn’t bring myself to complete the task at hand.
We’re humans, we want to live. Being instinct. But I don’t know what to do now.
This all occurred today, about 1 hour ago and my hands are still shaking.
I feel tired, sedated, as though I’m going to pass out. And the red marks around my throat are prominant. I told my fiancé when he asked me what had happened, to when I cried on his shoulder for 30 minutes or more.
I don’t know what to do with myself now.
I’m lost.
4 comments
you are about to get married and you wanted to commit? I don’t get some things like this, im sorry, its hard to give you sympathy. cant you see your not alone! a lot of people live a lonely life, and you cant see whats in front of you. well my heart goes out to you though. hope you can overcome your addiction
I’m not on anything anymore, other than a government funded program to help me get better. And we aren’t about to get married, he proposed to me, a year ago but we have no money and haven’t planned anything close to a wedding. I also have a Mother & Sistee who has disowned me because I don’t believe in God as they do. And my Father is an alcoholic whom I cannot speak with in any way other than, hi, how are you. My fiancé is an addict and spends most of his time using. So, you should be able to see why I am upset. And I didn’t come here for sympathy. I came here because I have no idea what else to do. I’m shaken up about these issues and your unhelpful comment is not what I seek. Although, thank you for your heart going out to me.
I know the feeling all too well. Basic instincts really do get in the way…
You’re surrounded by people who would impede your efforts in recovery. Your fiancé, for example, he’s also an addict and that would also greatly impact you, seeing that he plays a major role in your life. You both really need some form of solid support to overcome this. It’s undoubtedly giving you hell right now and you’re finding it difficult to stop. I’m sorry that you have to go through this. Your family, who I would at least have expected to offer you more support, just turned their backs on you so I can’t imagine how rough that must be. Do you have a close friend in person that you could speak to? Someone that isn’t an addict, someone who would offer their sympathy and is willing to help. Anyone like that? If you do think of someone or more, find them. It’d be hard to get out of this alone, even if you want to fight it off alone. There’s only so much that we can do for you on here, but keep posting if you need to. I hope this situation somehow improves.
I feel for you. I struggle but for different reasons… I want to die but at the same time I want to live.
I’m glad that someone found you, regardless of crying. I’m personally estranged from my mother and father, reasons I won’t go into.
I feel for you. I wish I had the answers that you seek…. the only thing that I can think of is perhaps finding some sort of support group to help you through. Please don’t isolate yourself though…. as tough as it is, talk about what is going through your head.
I wish for you nothing but peace.