They once told me that when every human is born, they are afraid of death. That our natural instincts tell us to live. For some reason, I was born different. From as far back as I could remember, I was never afraid of dying. When I was young, if a car was racing towards me, I would calmly step out of the way without ever feeling anything. If I was in the ocean and I couldn’t stay afloat, I would simply think about how my life didn’t matter anyway. But as I grew, that indifference to life and death morphed into something different. It changed into fear. Fear of life.
From being completely indifferent to all things in life. I became overwhelmingly afraid of life. But the problem is that I was a coward, and couldn’t stand to so something about this. So therefore, I planned to die but still worried about a future I didn’t have. I am ready to commit suicide, but I worry about what will happen if I don’t succeed. I worry that if schools see my suicide attempt on my medical record, they won’t accept. But what am I worrying about? I’m going to die anyway.
And this fear, this crushing fear keeps me from both living and dying. And now I’m finally sick of it. What’s the point of living when being dead would be less painful?
4 comments
I can relate to your story, I also feel more afraid of life than death. What’s really the point of living anyway, everything seems so pointless and disappointing…I always wonder if maybe we just aren’t blinded by life’s pointless shit like everyone else is, as they plod along searching for an ever elusive happiness, we see living for what it is in its most pure form, just an existence. I also want to die, but also have a fear that I’ll miss out, so in an uncertain limbo I remain just like you. I feel your pain!
“What’s the point of living when being dead would be less painful?” That’s a question many ask themselves. Then the “what ifs” come to mind. My sister talks a lot about how she’s afraid of death and the world ending, I do believe, like you said, it’s human nature. I think those who have suffered with mental and/or physical anguish are the ones who don’t fear death. I think I fear the pain of death, but not death itself.
There is no point of living, we’re not here for a “purpose” we’re just born and that’s that our at least that’s what I think. Death might not be less painful, you never know, it could be the most painful thing you experience. Or maybe it won’t, you just can’t tell because you’ve never experienced it (unless you have, in which case I’m just rambling).
I wish I was like you.. then I could kill myself without fear of pain..