I can’t take the silence

I hate when he doesn’t talk to me and I feel like it’s because he can’t stand me loving him. I know I’m too hideous to love but I can’t stand being shut out. I might as well confess somthing since it will never happen anyway, because I’ll kill myself at some point this year. But I used to, since the age of 5, occasionally make plans for building a robot, because I knew even that young, that that would be the only way I’d ever have a male companion. The first Terminator movie didn’t come out until I was about 7. Over the years, I’ve had a love-hate thing for robots and machinery, being half terrified and yet still intent on building one. In later years, Ive intended it to look like someone who’s 6’4″ so my model goes beyond the size of the terminator. I never thought it would be hard, only expensive, and I could find people to get me past anything that stumps me. I once had a computer that I intended to be the brains of it, was working with shitty AI and 3d modeling software but then someone jumped on my network and fried the computer, never got the drive booted again. I’ve had a MacBook ever since, and never found shit for Mac to work with. I don’t know, I just thought I’d throw it out there, since I won’t live long enough to build one for myself. Only thing I won’t give away is my brilliant idea for simulating fat. It kind of loses its appeal now that I know the truth about big & tall guys and it’s not just an assumption anymore. The guys I have always gone for are well over 6ft and over 250lbs. Problem is every guy in that range feels like he has to prove his worth by only being with tiny girls under 5ft and under 100lbs. But, if I hadn’t met this 2nd dream guy who happens to have a voice similar to Arnold Schwarzenegger but wit out the accent, I may have felt well enough to build a 6’4″ overweight robot husband, even if it took me a lifetime to complete. It was always something in the back of my mind, since the age of 5.