I need help

I really hate to burden people with my problems, but I need some serious advice on what to do.

I’ll start with the first of two things I am going to cover in this. A few weeks ago, I went to the school nurse and I got diagnosed with severe anxiety. They said that they were going to get CAMHS involved. However, I seriously think I have depression as well, as I seriously feel as though everyone would be better off without me and that I’m just a burden to everyone.

I also think about killing myself everyday, and think of various ways to do so. However, I know that even if I was really low, I just couldn’t bring myself to do it because I’ve seen how much it affects people and to be honest, as much as I desire to just be gone, I’m scared of death.

I’ve tried cutting myself before, but I have vowed to myself never to do it again in honor of my friend who has started cutting. It’s just, it feels as though the more I try to help people, the worse they get. I just get in the way of everything.

I literally can’t even talk to my friends sometimes because I feel as though I’m getting in the way, and no matter how much they reassure me that they care, I just don’t think they would care if I was gone.

I’ve tried discussing everything with my mum, and she doesn’t even listen to me, and she just starts ranting and I don’t know what to do. I cry really easily as much as I try to bottle every emotion up, I can’t, and I wish I could. She makes fun of me when I start to cry about this stuff and I know that she’s going to go insane at me when she finds out I went to the school nurse, even though she suffers with anxiety and depression. Just because she’s on meds, my problems suddenly become irrelevant.

I just feel like everyone hates me. Seriously, everyone gossips about me at school, they all make fun of me, they wouldn’t laugh if they found me dead on the floor now would they? It would shut them up at least.

Sorry to be so negative, it’s just I can’t handle this anymore and it’s just building up and I’ve had enough.

I’m going to move on to my friend now, the one who I mentioned earlier. She’s two years younger than me, and because of this, when she went to the school nurse, her problems were put down to hormones. This is because she didn’t tell her what she has been telling me over the last few months. She’s been feeling the way she does for over a year now.

She thinks about killing herself a lot. She’s cut herself at least once, and I’m scared that she’s going to do it again. Both of her parents ignore her when she says that she just wants to get help, and I just feel like a terrible friend because I can’t help her properly. I know I’m being irrational, but it’s the way I feel.

I feel like a terrible person who no one wants to associate with. Because that’s what I am. A worthless person. End of story.

I need help and I don’t know what to do, so if someone could give advice, I would appreciate it. Thank you.