It’s time

No more heart or diabetes meds………..time to let nature take its course.  I flushed them all down the toilet.

I’m not angry or seeking to hurt anyone.  What I am, is lonely to the point of exhaustion.  There is nothing out “there” because there is nothing in “here”, no value, no worth and no reason to exist.  I know it sounds dramatic, but I just want to rest, to sleep and be at peace.

I could be here for days, weeks, months or even years more.  I don’t know.

There was an actor named George Sanders.  His most famous film, I would say, was All About Eve, which starred Bette Davis, Anne Baxter and Celeste Holm, who died at the age of 95 in 2012.

Sanders played the theater critic Addison DeWitt and won an Oscar for that role.  The film had a small part, a break out role, for Marilyn Monroe as an airhead wannabe actress named Miss Caswell.  At the end of the film is a tiny part, a young woman named Phoebe, played by an unimportant actress, Barbara Bates.  All three of these people died by suicide.  Sanders left a note that read “I’m leaving because I’m bored.”  Among fans of movie trivia, the film is called the most adult and literate film ever made.  It’s also noted as The Triple Suicide Film.

I’m leaving because I am lonely and because there is no hope of that ever changing.  As one gets older and the traumas of youth and the struggle to “make it” in this consumerist society become non-events, you just start to fade away and become useless.  At my age, it doesn’t get better.  And that’s because the reasons for life being so hard are no longer issues.  We, older white males, are invisible in the suicide epidemic,  Even though we are the demographic at highest risk for suicide, we don’t matter.  No one cares about us because we have nothing of value that anyone wants.

This is the only venue where I am declaring my suicide.  I’m not running to family and declaring my intention of moving forward with ending it.  I won’t make any dramatic posts on social media.  The letter is part of my will, sealed in an envelope.  Only after I’m gone will they know.  It will appear as a natural death, which it is.

4:15 am on Wednesday morning…….I’m still awake……have only had 4 hours of sleep in the last 48 hours…..what does that tell you?