This post started as my first reply to another post, I am just copying it in. I’m not rich but I’m certainly not poor. I made this account just to reply to you, and im using my username that I have everywhere. I don’t want to be anonymous. My life was just how you describe yours, playing games, watching random tv shows, maybe some youtube, or streams, and chatting with friends online. I have lived 90% of my life online for the past few years. Unlike you I was satisfied with that, I do not want what others seem to want in life. I don’t care for it, all I want it to simply pass time, and I did that the best via games. Now for reasons beyond my control I have to grow up be like everyone else, recently got a second job, so I don’t have time to game as much anymore. My life is arguably a lot better than the average depressed person, yet I still feel like I don’t belong, that this is not what I want in the end. Waking up every single day to eat, shit, get ready for work, go work and finish working, then come home and have some spare time before falling asleep. Then the cycle repeats. Some people would give a lot to have a simple, ordinary life. I would give a lot to be able to leave this behind, all of if. What’s holding me back then? My family, the few friends I have (lost my irl friends when I dropped out of school), and my girlfriend that wasn’t really planned in any way (long distance never met her but she loves relatively close so it wouldn’t be too hard but I work 7days a week for 6 weeks now). If you’ve ever felt like you just want to disappear, then you know how I feel. Because if I could just somehow slip out of everything make people forget me, then I could finally go. So maybe I’m self sabotaging (won’t go into that just mention it briefly but one thing is the dropping out of school thing) because I want this to have an end. I never saw a future where I grow old, I wanted things to end my way, with no regrets, but now is not my time even if I am ready, because of the people in my life are still just that, in my life. It’s a long text and not very structured I hope that’s not too big of an issue. I am also adding the category suicide note because that’s where I first went on this site and it’s what made me stay when I read what people shared.