This post started as my first reply to another post, I am just copying it in. I’m not rich but I’m certainly not poor. I made this account just to reply to you, and im using my username that I have everywhere. I don’t want to be anonymous. My life was just how you describe yours, playing games, watching random tv shows, maybe some youtube, or streams, and chatting with friends online. I have lived 90% of my life online for the past few years. Unlike you I was satisfied with that, I do not want what others seem to want in life. I don’t care for it, all I want it to simply pass time, and I did that the best via games. Now for reasons beyond my control I have to grow up be like everyone else, recently got a second job, so I don’t have time to game as much anymore. My life is arguably a lot better than the average depressed person, yet I still feel like I don’t belong, that this is not what I want in the end. Waking up every single day to eat, shit, get ready for work, go work and finish working, then come home and have some spare time before falling asleep. Then the cycle repeats. Some people would give a lot to have a simple, ordinary life. I would give a lot to be able to leave this behind, all of if. What’s holding me back then? My family, the few friends I have (lost my irl friends when I dropped out of school), and my girlfriend that wasn’t really planned in any way (long distance never met her but she loves relatively close so it wouldn’t be too hard but I work 7days a week for 6 weeks now). If you’ve ever felt like you just want to disappear, then you know how I feel. Because if I could just somehow slip out of everything make people forget me, then I could finally go. So maybe I’m self sabotaging (won’t go into that just mention it briefly but one thing is the dropping out of school thing) because I want this to have an end. I never saw a future where I grow old, I wanted things to end my way, with no regrets, but now is not my time even if I am ready, because of the people in my life are still just that, in my life. It’s a long text and not very structured I hope that’s not too big of an issue. I am also adding the category suicide note because that’s where I first went on this site and it’s what made me stay when I read what people shared.
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I have many of the problems you have.. I am sad and depressed.. spend most of my time in front of my laptop.. my eyes are hurting but if I stop looking at this screen then I feel like I have nothing to live for.. I am autistic so I have no social or communication skills.., no friend.. no gf.. can’t make money… can’t graduate.. dad beats mom.. sister hates me, sometimes I don’t get to eat.. my relatives have abandoned me.. my future is hopeless.. I want to help you but I don’t know how.. this universe seems like a program made by a sadist alien programmer.. those happy people you see maybe don’t exist.. they are just illusions to make you feel jealousy and pain.. maybe suicidal people like us are the real humans and we were captured by aliens. Maybe we are being tortured by the program… when we finally kill ourselves we will be born again as another suicidal person.. the cycle will never end.. or maybe it will.. I don’t know.. you may think I am insane.. but this is the only way I can think now.. take care..
No I don’t think you’re insane. Just weird, and as I usually say all weird is good weird. You, just like many others have it worse than me. I hope things get better for you, thank you for sharing.
Twice, because I forgot to press reply…
No I don’t think you’re insane. Just weird, and as I usually say all weird is good weird. You, just like many others have it worse than me. I hope things get better for you, thank you for sharing.
That’s the common thread…people. I’ve read hundreds of posts here and it’s the same for most everyone. “I would suicide, but my family, girlfriend, friends, pastor, boyfriend, would be devastated and I don’t want to cause them pain.” Laughing here..people are our cause and savior. People drive you insane and keep you sane. This is a big cosmic joke. Ya gotta laugh cause none of it make sense.
haha and the common replies are:
“keep fighting.. things will get better.”
“you know tons of people have it much worse than you”
“I hope everything gets better for you”
haha.. I am dying from laughing.. thank you randall I won’t have to slit my throat..
Yup you got it. Dying from laughing is a new one though. That would make a good inscription on a gravestone or obituary. “Poor guy laughed himself to death”
Most of the ppl here probably just want to share their story since they can’t do it irl, it’s way easier to write your own shit up here with ppl who understands you than to your family or friends.
You sound very similar too me man. I spend 90 percent of my life on the internet and playing video game to escape reality, and I somewhat enjoy video games. The only thing thats different between me and you is that I don’t have any friends anymore nor never had a girlfriend. But by choice. I have completely isolated myself, I don’t want to talk to anybody, I am too depressed for that and I much rather prefer sitting mindlessly in front of my computer screen, I feel alone which makes me even more depressed yet I still don’t want to talk to anybody. I completely understand you. Life truly blows, we have to work our entire lifes all for these fleeting moments of free time and joy. All while getting hit by things like depression, sorrow, pain, sickness and alot more other negatives that comes with life. You are not alone my friend, I have not killed myself either just because of my family.