I have friends traveling out of the country, going to the beach, road trips, enjoying summer and life, having summer romances, Having great summer jobs and internships. I am just here sitting on my ugly, single and fat ass sweating bad enough that its dripping down my thighs, with family drama all around, broke as hell cant find a summer job that will call me back for an interview, So I cant really travel anywhere, I am miserable as hell in my online summer classes to the point i want to jump out of my bedroom window. Someone please just put me out of my misery
I need a suicide date. date as in, day, not some weird romantic fetish.. But i guess I’ll decide on that later.
I’ve been pushed over the edge now. I don’t have motivation to run away. I don’t have motivation to look for new people or friends. I’ve tried talking and meeting to countless online friends. Some i have pushed away..
I’m done. I can’t do this.
I’ll let you know when i decide on a date.
Thank you Chordful, Kat, Sportsballs, Fakingit.. I wouldn’t have made it this far without you.
I wont ever leave without a proper goodbye.
I’d write more, but tears are like burning my eyes.. Is that normal? 0.o
Goodbye for now
For almost 2 years, I’ve felt this way because I live beside toxic neighbours and my uncle doesn’t listen to me to be careful of being taken advantage of. How? Simple. They threaten to sue us, get us fine and arrested for “Distribing The Peace” from the back up alarm installed on my uncle’s car. People sue for almost anything now a days no matter how ridiculous it may seem. There are various type of prices for back up alarm sold online and in-stores. Intially, it was installed for safety purposes of warning pedestrian to move out of the way when the vechile is shift into reverse. This generation, people attached to their electronic devices and rarely pay attention to where they are going. Nevertheless, my family kept telling me to ignore them and not fret about this matter. My family always count on the police to come give warnings beforehand if there is noise complaints.
Knowing my neighbours, they have been peeping toms secretly recording / collecting evidence to use against us – I had a feeling their intentions were not good. The other disgusting part is that they say that we are intentionally using noise as a form of harassment. I try to restrain from using foul language but these people kids who go to kindergarten mouth are foul enough to be washed out with soap. Long story short, depression hit me when I realize what I’ve been trying so, hard to protect doesn’t really matter in preventing these jerks from damaging our property. I was afraid that we might somehow get suddenly arrested when we get summoned to court and mad that my uncle gave them the upper hand to become obnoxious / cocky enough to disrespect him and his property. We clearly draw a line for them to park on their own driveway but they would intentionally block us from reversing once in awhile. To be, they are wolve’s dressed in sheep clothing. I know my uncle always remind me to forget and forgive people but there is another quote that says “don’t let anyone have the pleasure to disrespect you.” Ironically, instead of keeping pedestrian safe, the back up alarm attracted financial leeches. Trying to stay positive and get my motivation back for school. I lost hope and was very disappointed in the possibility for these people to manipulate the situation.
Just a post to say thank you to the awesome dudes/girls who replied to my first post and helped me out. I am truly grateful that you cared enough to reply and offer me support and sympathy. And especially for not preaching the feel good bullshit that is on 99% of help sites online.
I kind of feel as if I’ve hit a point in life, as if I am waking up to who I really am. It is terrifying but I have to be me. No matter how I am on the outside, my soul and brain are still me. It’s time for me to ditch the fake me, who has brought me nothing but shame, unhappiness and self-loathing.
My life has been mostly shit for ages but truly “to hell an back” over the past 18 months. Yet, some things have happened (or tormented me with the hope) that have been like the highest high – a promise of true happiness and freedom. Destroyed cruelly by life but somehow, it has awoken the true me. It is as if I went through trial by fire and the fire burned away the fakeness.
Two tips for people going through hell. 1) Breathe. 2) Love your pets.
So today I was online talking with people and everyone is having a nice conversation and then there is this one person that comes in. He/she all of a sudden are doing a role-play thing about committing suicide. He/she was writing about grabbing a knife and all. And here’s the thing that bothers me the most, he/she is not one bit suicidal (I asked one of his/her friends to see of he/she really was) Um… excuse me!? What the fuck is wrong with you!? There are people who are really suicidal and he/she is over here using it as entertainment. He/she is probably even using it for attention. Everybody was telling him/her not to kill him/herself. I found none of it entertaining. That almost made me cry. Some people are really suicidal and don’t get attention, then there is this person pretending to be suicidal and he/she is getting all the attention. This hurt me a lot, honestly.
has become more complicated. Face-to-face communication used to be vital, but now we can live our lives being online all day.
However, the truth of the matter is, we still need to see each other’s faces, read their expressions, hear their voices, so we can fully understand their emotions.
To coexist.
I haven’t had anyone do my taxes yet, as this week’s already been planned out for me, so I have to wait for next week to see if I can get one of the free spots for doing taxes. I tried to do it online and found that I’d owe $1000 to federal and $200 to the state, and why I don’t fucking know. It makes no sense. My boss says I make too little for taxes to be taken from my checks, so the gov won’t take anything week to week but expect $1000 in a lump fucking sum at the end of the year from a poor person not making shit??? Makes no god damn sense at all. And then, I could lose my healthcare for making over the poverty line. Hard work gets you fucking nowhere. 🙁
I also lost a little USB drive that I wore around my neck, had personal stuff on it, could possibly have sensitive personal docs on it too, but I haven’t used it in a long time to know what’s on there. Someone must’ve found it, because I looked in the place I’d lost it again, and found there’s no real way it could’ve been totally out of sight. Worst part is it could hurt severely someone else, if whoever took it doesn’t just erase everything and is some uptight prude who’s gonna get offended by something that’s on there… …. sigh. I fail at everything. I guess I can’t be trusted after all. :'(
So I’ve been absent from this site for awhile. I’ve been busy clearing out my shit and NO WAY IN HELL would I have imagined what a heap of junk I’ve accumulated; I actually wish I had a huge pit of fire to throw it all into lol..I know this is something I have to do or I’ll feel like I’ve left a mess behind and I believe that would fuk me over if there is an afterlife..I’m just covering all my angles here. ITS STRESSFUL as for some reason I still have attachments to some of the junk but at the same time I’m closing up shop and it makes me happy 🙂
I have some good medical marijuana that’s helping lower my inhibitions a bit and some chill pills incase I have a panic attack along the way and my brain tries to stop me from getting rid of all my worldly possessions. It’s soo stupid as if I’m going to care what color of shirt I like or what flavour of pop or what jewellery I wear when I’m gone, this process should be going a lot quicker/smoother. I guess I’ve moved a lot in my life and this is like the millionth time I’ve packed and moved everything around. My appetite is shit ATM too so I have limited energy stores which doesn’t help at all 🙁
Just leaving this here cus’ I needed 2 vent and I don’t have anyone irl I can talk to without being thrown in an ambulance and hauled away. I also have terrible social anxiety around everything social including posting online so if I don’t reply to comments or in other posts much it’s because my brain is playing hide and go seek and I won’t be able to interact for random periods of time. Sometimes I push myself to reply and feel worse thinking I said something stupid or rude so there’s that also lol
Hope you all have a gr8 afternoon!!
Im so alone i have no friends at all not even online friends, ive had some online friends but that was a while ago. I cant remember the last time ive connected to anyone irl. I dont have very good social skills irl and im fucking shy as hell. Ive been in school since oct and have not made a single friend. I miss those 1 to 1 human interactions its so hard to go on everyday
It would seem that all of my plans and hope for a bearable future failed today, I wont bother with going further into details on this. I happened to have a meeting with my psychiatrist right after I figured that out and I just opened up and said that I cannot go on like this. I have to start preparations, my computer, hard drives, my room itself.. my online people.. things must be erased, those who knew me a little deserve to be informed if I go.. And now I am awaiting a call from an “emergency team” I don’t know what this means.. I don’t necessarily mind talking to anyone but I fail to see the purpose.. its all gone to hell.
I have an event to go to on Tuesday and it’s kind of a big deal. I’m getting an award. But my producing partner just had her marriage of 10 years blow up and instantly started jumping into rebound sex with some actor who she plans to take to the red carpet event.
I should mention that she’s pretty damn attractive. Tall, thin, blonde, straight… she’s going to look great.
And here I am now not wanting to go because I’m going to be stag, and I’ve never hated my body more than I do right now.
So here I am genuinely looking online to find a non-sexual female escort for the evening that doesn’t mind being a woman’s date… and honestly, I’m not sure which situation sounds worse, and it’s not like I can afford it either.
I’m sure this would all seem like some whacky fun adventure you laugh at in hindsight, but it doesn’t help that I’ve never been more suicidally depressed in my life. I feel like I’m bailing water out of my soul to avoid getting to the point where I do just hang myself.
That day feels soon, and this doesn’t fucking help.
I’m going to get so fucking drunk at this thing and torpedo my career. I just don’t give a fuck anymore.
So, I’ve kinda figured out how to get some drugs online using Tor (I think…lol). Think I’ll go away sometime next month. Maybe go to California, go to some amusement parks and then poof. I’m out of this shit hole
.
Thank you to everyone who took some time to comment on my post last night. I was in a dark rotten place. (As you can see if you read through the comments.) I’m still there, to be honest, but at least I’m still able to write about it.
Here’s the music I mentioned. (Headphones recommended so the bass can come through better).
I wrote it in just a few hours, to distract myself from not being able to get online. For me, when I’m stuck here in bed at home, not being able to get online is a big deal, because it sort of feels like I’m “stranded”.
Right now I’m still partly stranded, since we’re having a big blast of ugly winter weather, and I’m not going to be able to get out for another day or so.
Anyway, here’s the music. I called it “Testing The Waters” because I was testing to make sure my new composition/notation software worked on the laptop.
Instrumentation:
Piano
Harp
Cello
String Bass
Electric Bass
Anyone have any ideas for social interaction online? I mean a place that placates to the mentally ill, but is already well established. I just want to talk to some people, my social issues are too much to handle in real person, and I am just kinda lonely.
Any tips would be appreciated.
I’ve been depressed for about 6 years now, I’ve tried medication, Alcohol, weed and more. Nothing works longer than 1 day before it comes back. I’ve planned my suicide many times, and I have always just delayed it, with the thought “What’s next?” in my mind.
Everyone I have ever met always dislikes me soon after, if not immediately after meeting me. I have felt so lonely for so long, and it’s killing me; I met this girl online, We’ve only been speaking about 2 weeks now, but I’ve always hoped she liked me. She lives in different country than me, but the hope was/is always there; Lately though, I’ve been running so many different scenarios in my head all depicting that she secretly makes fun of me with others and/or secretly finds me annoying and nothing but a burden.
I just don’t know what else to do, everything is becoming too much, and I don’t know what’s real any more.
My mom’s friend that she works with is actually closer to my age and it turns out she went through same thing with student loans that I have and she owed the school money too. She even dropped out of school for the same reason as me since she has depression too and she has scars on her arms too.
I owe the school over $4,000 since I dropped out plus student loans. It turns out that if I pay the collection agency 5% of that $4,000 they will turn it over back to the college and if I pay payments on it for 9 months then they will release the hold on my transcripts and I’ll be able to go back to school again. Also, I can still go to school just not get financial aid so if I take some online classes at the community college here it will be really pretty cheap and I can pay for those myself and my mom agreed to help me pay for them
This has been a huge source of stress in my life so at least it’s a little better now.
I have mentioned many times how I have been in love with this girl for so long. I also posted quite recently about how I have finally gotten over her and have felt like I can comfortably have relationships now that I am no longer in love with her. She messaged me a couple of days ago and damn, i’m back. How can I be so in love with a girl. She messages me and I light up right away and message her right back. I am evem expecting a letter in the mail from her. We’ve been exchanging letters since freshman year. We talk online a well but we enjoy writing letters for eacother. Everyime I talk to her I feel like she feels the same way, but how could she? Shes in a happy 3+ year relationship with her boyfriend. Why after all these years do I feel this way. I wish these questions had answers. How long will this last? Does she feel the same way? Why would she? Why?
I’ve just spent 30 minutes trying to post a comment. I kept getting logged out every time I attempted to post and then my password was not accepted so I had a new password sent to my email and logged in again. Still could not post a comment so I rebooted my PC and logged in again and attempted to post again over and over and then got a pop up message saying I was posting too many comments too quickly. I can not see any of my comments in the normal view or the pending section. So I’ll post my comment to the Prozac Nation post here.
I was attempting to post this:
Antidepressants can take months before you see any improvement and some people will feel worse and experience more severe suicidal thoughts before they begin to experience any benefit. I was on antidepressants for over 15 years and was constantly changed when I got no benefit. I have been prescribed over 50 different types of antidepressant, anti-anxiety and anti-psychotic drugs which included Prozac.
The active pharmaceutical ingredient in Prozac is fluoxetine hydrochloride, a chemical compound containing fluoride. If you look online there are many conspiracy theories about fluoride. It is suggested that the governments of western countries have faked the benefit of fluoride on peoples teeth and that the fluoride has proven effects of sedating people and making them more tolerant and compliant when being controlled.
Fluoride is highly toxic and is the ingredient in rat poison but our governments say it is a benefit to us in small doses. Personally I don’t like the idea of ingesting fluoride but you should make your own decision based on your own research. There is much independent research online. I’d be cautious of government studies.
7 cups of tea is a new website I recently stumbled upon. It’s been somewhat therapeutic for me….Only critique I’ve got is there a bit to positive….there are a few too many shiny happy people on there but they’re pretty easy to dodge.
Albert camos
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