My relationship is being bludgeoned over and over by my inaction in slow motion.

It feels like ages ago that I met my boyfriend, only it’s only been a matter of weeks. That time, I was still paying for my own rent with my part time job, and going for a language class.

I was contented with my life that time, because I lived in the same city as my younger sister, who was attending university there. I was new to the city myself, so I had no friends except those I saw in class. It was hard to talk to them more than just “schoolmates” so it was bland for my tastes. I decided to get some folks to talk to on an online dating site. I don’t know what I was thinking, honestly. I wanted to find a friend in a place where people went there predominantly to find a fling or long-term partner.

It took some time to sift through the lazy and creepy messages, but eventually he messaged me, and although it was generic, I replied him on a whim and the ball started rolling from there. I liked talking to him, so much. Then one day in class I decided to ask him out to have lunch with me. He said yes and we had burgers. It was the first time we met, so I was nervous. He was expressive and perky and actually very sweet. He gave me a tennis ball as a gift because I have a pretty bad back and he said it’s good for self-massages.

I think I was halfway being in love with him already that time. We’ve only met for a few days before one thing led to another and he confessed his feelings to me. While I said I’d consider, it was no brainer that I’d say yes to him.

Anyway, I did very soon and he took me out to have a late meal together, and then I went to his place. There was nothing sexual that occurred. We just cuddled with him constantly blabbering about how his heart was beating fast and I was trying to act cool and indifferent (I was a blushing mess in the dark, I’m sure).

It was around that time that my landlord’s wife was starting to aggravate me with adding in new rules to the house. You know how landlords are, for some of you out there (lol).

Things were blurry after that. I ended up moving in with him and for the first few days, it was great! I always felt uneasy because I wasn’t paying for my stay and he was paying for a lot of the things. (The side of me that’s used to being pampered by every other men I’ve dated told me it’s okay, so I tried to ignore my concern.)

And then my procrastination got in the way. He’s been wanting me to do a lot of things. Like getting my act together, doing the housework, going back on my feet to earn income… things I am aware of myself, but procrastinate on.

I had a really messed up life throughout childhood and teenhood, and he knows it. I do blame that a part of me became this way because of what happened back then, but I try to change it by baby steps. I guess my pacing was too slow for him because he’s been getting grumpier with me as of late.

A while back he was working on something by the table, and since he was frustrated with me, he vented out his anger with extra force through his hands and ended up scratching the table up. I made a comment on it bitterly (because we were in one of those anger-filled episodes again; his being annoyed and irritated with my lack of action with my life and direction, my resentment on how rough-handled he was making me feel with certain hurtful words he’s been slinging at me).

His response: “Well this is my table!” and then a few lines after that, “If you don’t want to be treated like this then pack up your shit and get the hell out!”

I think it broke my heart. Or made it bled. Or whatever. But I suddenly feel so afraid. It’s true that I’m relying on him now even though I try to pay for little things like hiring help with the housework and meals sometimes (although he has the money ready faster than I do most of the time).

I guess I feel like I’m just a leech to him now and he’s pointing it out. I mentioned going to study and he’s obviously not happy with that idea since he thinks going to university is a huge lie of society, as a degree won’t promise success.

I really like this guy, but quite frankly it’s moot point if he doesn’t like me anymore, what with how he’s perceiving my presence. A “freeloader” who can’t do the housework (because I don’t know his standard of neatness and he doesn’t point it out until he does it himself, which makes me feel useless even more and irritates him further).

It makes me want to run off and kill myself because I’ve left everything behind just to be with him. I stopped going to class because he said having a language certificate is pointless if I’m not going to use it anymore – I wanted to be a stewardess, and he said I could do better than that, and gave me all sorts of grander ideas.

And now I’m so far away from home and my family. And I feel so alone because I’m friendless than ever (check: Not entirely true since I have a few friends who are checking up on me through the phone). And I feel unwanted and unloved by someone that matters the most to me.

I loathe myself so much right now because I can’t provide. And he has said that I can just wake up and change who I want to be, but apparently he doesn’t understand what a clutch depression has on me. (And he says I blame my condition, but I’m honestly not. I just acknowledge it and don’t try to fight it since I feel misunderstood so there’s NO POINT ANYWAY if no one tries to understand me.)

Now we’ve come to a conclusion where I have to work on my health and income issues, which I wholeheartedly agree on (if only he knew), but there’s this BRICK WALL OF A PROCRASTINATION and ANXIETY that I WISH DESPERATELY I know how to jump over BUT CAN’T because I BELIEVE I WILL FAIL ANYWAY EVEN IF I TRY (even though deep down I try to soothe myself and be optimistic!).

With every lash out and him expressing how upset he is with me, I feel worse and weaker to confront this STUPID MENTAL ISSUE I have. Talking about it helps though. Thanks for reading thus far.