Sad

I wish I knew what was wrong with me. I don’t know if I will ever be consistently happy. I’m changing into somebody I don’t like. There’s not much emotion anymore. I’ve become much more logical, pragmatic. I still suck at doing work, so it hasn’t made me any better at school, but I’m just not emotional about things anymore. I’ve become terse with my parents and girlfriend, less caring and more calculating. I’m losing something, me, and I don’t know why. I don’t know how to comfort anyone, or the right things to say. I can’t really empathize. Without a passion, what my purpose? Without purpose, what am I doing?

When others are sad, or struggling, I really can only think of myself. I say the things I’m supposed to say, but most of the time I simply wish they would stop brooding over it. Not because it annoys me, but because it doesn’t help anybody. I give the advice that I find impossible to take myself. Don’t feel guilty about the past, you can’t change it. Stop deprecating yourself, it won’t help. Move, and do something constructive to try and fix the situation. Stop crying, because tears are useless.

The emotion I still feel is anger. I have so much anger towards this world. Towards others who don’t give a damn, and especially towards others who disrespect or dismiss me. I find the anger is what is keeping me going, motivating me to get farther in life, stronger and more successful, so I can stomp on the people that I hate. I wan’t to cause them scarring, emotional pain as well as agonizing permanent physical pain. I just had a dream last night where I was killing my mother with my words and beating up my stepfather. What is happening to me? It was so vivid, when I woke up I wasn’t sure if it was a dream or a memory. I was so thankful that it actually wasn’t real. What the hell is wrong with me? I just want to love and be loved. Feel like I can depend on people instead of never trusting anyone and assuming bad intentions at the smallest slight. To trust in myself, love myself, and not feel so much anger and hate. Have friends and hopefully start a family with my girlfriend as a stable and good natured individual.

I’ve closed myself off from people because I don’t want to be hurt, and it is easier to hate them because I know they have or will hurt me rather than realize I’m making a mistake not trying to open up to people. Nothing good ever happens when I do though! People come and then go for whatever reason, and they take whatever pieces of you that you felt trusting enough to give. Fuck that. I will never give anything to anybody, never owe anyone anything, and destroy the spirit of anyone that gives me shit.

This life is ridiculous. I don’t trust my girlfriend anymore. I’m mad at her and I don’t even know why. She hasn’t even done anything, but I’m just so paranoid that I think she doesn’t give a shit about me and has just been fucking with me. So fuck her! is what I’ve been thinking. Wth is wrong with me… I think I’d be doing her a favor if I died, or maybe I’d feel happier if I knew she would cry and be in pain if I died. My mom though, who has never done anything to me except love me, I can’t leave. She said that it would destroy her if I was gone, and for some reason I’ve still retained this sense of integrity. If somebody slights her, my siblings, or someone who is kind and civil to me, I want to beat the shit out of them and then burn their house down. So, living for anger it is, until lightning strikes and I’m happier and better. Fuck everyone, and fuck anyone who thinks this post is full of shit. Nobody asked you, and giving your damn unsolicited advice and opinions is just self-aggrandizement, and don’t dare think that it’s not. Self-righteous bastards spouting platitudes that are as empty and meaningless as their attempts to feel more powerful than another. You’re the reason people want to die.