Its been a while. Things have been going better than they normally do for me right now, so I’m really wondering why I feel like things are about to just go to hell. This year’s been pretty shit. I’ve been alone and lonely my whole life, and I’ve finally made some friends to keep that depression at bay – I really do love these people, they make me the happiest I’ve ever been. I guess you could call them the rebellious type, but I don’t exactly know what they’re rebelling against – they drink, do drugs, that kind of thing. Its been good for me to be honest, its helped with my drinking – better to drink in company than drink alone.
But that’s the thing: I have been drinking alone a lot more these days. I love my friends, that make me happy, but they make me want to kill myself. Its just the realisation every night that all I would need to do is finish off the bottle and down some pills, it would be as simple as that, no more pain. I don’t know what’s keeping from doing this, probably guilt. But I guess its this kind of incompetent feeling when I’m out with people; I always wear the same clothes because I can’t afford new ones, I’m ugly as sin, I just look out of place. I feel embarrassed for my friends when they go out with me. Something keeps pulling me back to them, even though I tell myself to leave. I stay, and I hate myself for it.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve dealt with this kind of thing with family, but I’ve always figured a way to work past it, or control it. This, I don’t know. I’m out of ideas. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I’m just not doing well in terms of being a functional human being. The people that I love are killing me. Two of my closest friends are dating, and I couldn’t be happier for them – I’ve supported them as best as I can all the way through; every time I see them together I’m ready to jump off a cliff. How do I stay without leaving?