Tonight. Tonight of all nights I feel it. It haunts me. The presence. My trachea’s shadow. My personal emotional python of darkness asphyxiating my throat chakra with deep blue sorrow. I’ve felt it my whole life. Hence eternal. But on day seems like eternity trapped in this anatomical sarcophagus. Living, breathing; I don’t know what that’s like. The deeper it gets the less control I have over any of it. Scared doesn’t cut it but then again, terrified doesn’t slice it either.
Like a furball of the most vile, putrid emotion all encased, locked and trapped in my throat. Unable to express so it depresses my body into a state of complacent self hatred and reserved apathy. Doubt shakes my cavernous core. Who’s there? Nobody is home.
Thoughts race through my mind as I consider my impending doom tomorrow on the scene of my new job. All the worries about how it will turn out and if I have the skills and the character to work this position. Haven’t worked in a milliennia so self doubt is a given. Do I have what it takes? I don’t know. With this murder machine of pain I call my body and existence I don’t know if this job is realistic. But, would the universe give me this if I wasn’t ready? I don’t know. I don’t know if this life is for me. What happens when your whole life is a nightmare? Well, that my friends is a lifemare.
I just want to puke out who I am and what I’ve become. Let me fuckin puke.
Oh right, I can’t because my throat is clogged with demon shit.
Hi ho, hi ho, its off to work we go…
4 comments
I watched a great show about Vikings awhile back. They spoke of Valhalla, Odin, and Norse mythology. That Led Zeppelin song “Immigrant Song” is about Valhalla. (If you read the lyrics it makes sense).
Good luck with the new job. The best part about starting a new job is knowing you can quit within a week or two and no one will care. Just say “Sorry, thing’s aren’t working out here” then leave. It’s very easy to walk away before you get entrenched.
thanks man. It should go alright. Just training today and learning to deliver the pitch.
I’m fascinated by Valhalla and all things norse. One day i gotta watch that show vikings
‘Mornin Kills. I never cease to be amazed at what a wordsmith you are. It’ a gift. One of the blessings of having such a gift is it gives you the time and tools to work through a lot of whatever is obsessing or controlling the head and heart. It can be like howling at the moon.
I am sometimes taken aback at the mental images your words show me. Each of us lives on our own plane of dysfunction. And when I catch a glimpse of your world, I sometimes steal just a little of it for my own use.
Vikings, huh….does that make you SP’s own, mischievous Loki?
Hah bay is right, you would definitely be Loki (my favorite of all the Norse gods). Kills, I’ve seen you pull out some absolute gems of poetic awareness, and this is one of them. Your vision of life/death/existence is so damn powerful and you know exactly the right words to communicate it to others.
I dunno if this was brought on by the job terrors, or other circumstances, or deeper things I can’t possibly understand, but I just wanted to say I’m here bro, every time I read your posts you have my undivided attention. Dunno if that helps you cough up any demonic hairballs, but ya kno, I am certified in spiritual CPR 😛