I am a girl who is 19 years old. For years I have always contemplated suicide. I have physically harmed myself in many ways, including hitting my head against stuff, punching walls, and cutting up my hands. Recently, I have been thinking into deeper matters. Life usually is supposed to get better, right? Doesn’t occur in my case. Regardless of what goes on in my life, no matter how positive I am in all situations, nothing ever good happens. Yes I hear the whole it gets better speech, everything anybody can name and all the stuff from the books. I’ve heard personal experiences and all of what you could think of. In my case, its a variety of things that have occurred over the years. I’ve felt this way for plenty years, and it has been like this. I do not want to live anymore. I feel empty, I feel as if there is a huge gaping hole inside of me that I can guarantee is only able to be filled with my life being taken. I do not deserve nor do I want to live on this earth anymore. I do not take my life for granted, and I live with a good heart. I have just reached my point of no return and I can’t keep on. Last night, I tried to kill myself. I’ve never had the guts to, but I know if I was to run into death again, I would quit avoiding it. Last night, I took 10 out of the 11 different pills I had. One by one, all different. I felt nothing. All I feel is the hard pounding of my heart in my chest. I have been incapable of sleeping since I took them. I have not had any food, and have only been drinking water. I am laying here, in shock because nothing has happened to me. I just keep telling myself that I am invincible and will keep trying until I prove that wrong. I am suffering, by being here. Yes, I do feel bad because of how it will make my loved ones feel. But I believe the only way I will find true happiness within myself is if I was gone off the face of this earth. Selfish, I know. I have lived my life making sure everybody else is happy while they attempt and fail at making me happy because only my death will do that. In my head, I know that the reason why nothing happened isn’t because I’m supposed to be here.. Its because I’m probably not trying hard enough..
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“The only way I will find true happiness within myself is if I was gone off the face of this earth.”
Suicide I heard someone once say that suicide doesn’t grant happiness, but freedom. You don’t need to be happy to be free, to be liberated, and there are other ways to find freedom rather than suicide. There’s no second chance after you’re gone (depending what your religious (or lack thereof) beliefs are, too. But once your heart stops beating, and once your brain has been deprived of oxygen for a certain time, that’s really it.
Sure I could provide that hackneyed phrase that everything does get better, but what I’ve gotten from your post it isn’t that simple. You seem to hold a sense of individuality from everyone else in the world, and yeah everyone has some semblance of individuality, but it doesn’t seem like that when everyone says things that feel so overused, so run into the ground. Maybe they don’t know what to say? I don’t know. Whatever the case may be, they still say cliches.
There’s more to life than happiness and suffering. Why people view the world in such a black and white light like that I don’t understand either. You have other emotions too such as jealousy, love, exhilaration, restlessness, or whatever else. Perhaps you can force (yes, you can force change I’d like to think) your depression aside and overindulge in other emotions. Give them a chance to shine rather than depression. And if it gets overwhelming, just switch emotions. Might take practice and might sound hard, but you can do it. Just a consideration I suppose.
Good luck.
Maybe being free is what I’m searching for. To be free from all I’ve been feeling inside. The cliches are all I ever hear which seem to be so overused and just what everyone thinks you want to hear.I force myself to feel plenty emotions, and set my depression and suffering aside. While yes, in that moment for a split second my world feels unreal, but it doesn’t last long and the true and real feelings come out. I’ve worked on it for years but at the end of the day, it all goes back to that one. I appreciate your feedback and the good luck. I need it.
irrelevantpup, if “you’re not trying hard enough”, maybe that’s because way down inside you still have hope that there’s a reason not to do it.
Why do you feel you don’t deserve to live? It sounds like you’re a good person. Is there anyone close you’ve tried talking to about things?
Keep posting on here. People will listen.
1bigzero ; Part of me hopes that there is something deep down giving me a reason not to but then I come to the realization that I’m just making it all up. The feeling, I couldn’t explain. It just poisons away inside me. I get told that but in reality I just know I’m not good enough. Yes, I have tried talking to plenty close people about things but I always get the same responses. Such as, “You need help” “You’re crazy” “What’s wrong with you, your life isn’t bad”, etc. It varies from stuff like that and I’ve concluded that nobody really understands or at least tries to understand my way of thinking. Nobody truly helps, and makes the effort to understand where I’m coming from and focus more on the inner me rather than what surrounds me.
At your age, there’s a moment where I had a lot of school friends who had pulsions to cut themselves, to make scars, it is the way teens put the tensions out when they are overhelming.
I understand your feeling of emptyness, but you don’t explain in your story why you feel like this.
FrenchyGirl ; I had a lot of friends and I mean I guess I do now, I know people who have cut themselves as well. That’s the thing, it eats me alive not knowing why I feel like this. I just do, and its all been built up over time.
I know this feeling. Have you tried to make an inquiry about the forgotten events of your life?