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by mranony

I feel like I don’t deserve everything that is given to me but I came to enjoy them. People’s kindness. I don’t quite understand it. I don’t want to accept it because I feel guilty. I know that I don’t deserve anything. I know I’m disgusting. I don’t know what I’m capable of. There are a lot of unanswered ‘what-ifs’ and ‘ors’ I don’t know my own emotions. If I’m crying for them or for my sake. Am I truly happy or did I just encountered an amusing thing that will eventually leave. Am I unmotivated or am I just lazy. Am I depressed or just looking for excuses. Did I truly love a person? There are friends I cast aside for the comfort of my own fear. Have I really felt sorry for a person or did I just see a part of me in them?

Don’t show me love. Don’t be kind to me. I might selfishly cling on to you. I am self-centered just as everybody else. I might unknowingly take advantage of you and there would always be a time where you’ll come to hate me.

I spit nonsense and fucked up bullshit. I talk to myself. I prefer to be alone but just as anybody else, I yearn for contact. But that would end too because of my own selfishness.

Forgive me, mother and father and to anyone who tried to understand me. I know my emotions switch a lot that it is probably the reason why we can never be mutual. I guess no matter how much kindness you give me, there will always be a reason for you to dislike me.

And no matter how much happiness this world could offer me, I would always yearn for death. But in the same time, afraid of the consequences. Am I not stupid? Two doors has been opened, not once but many times before, for me. One is for change while the other one is for death. And yet I chose none. I chose to stay in the gray area. Dreaming for both doors.

Will there be a time where I finally choose between the two?

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13 comments

mranony 8/28/2015 - 10:13 am

Ah. Now I’m crying. Bullshit.

operationmintyhippo 8/28/2015 - 11:27 am

You can talk to me if you want.

mranony 8/28/2015 - 3:56 pm

That would be great. Thank you.

operationmintyhippo 8/28/2015 - 4:01 pm

If you ever need anything my SP e-mail is markayekaye@gmail. com.

mranony 8/28/2015 - 6:19 pm

Thank you. I’ll write to you soon.

operationmintyhippo 8/28/2015 - 11:27 am

This was beautifully put. I, too, feel the same as you. I hope to live, but in a better world/life. But I don’t have that better world/life so I would rather not be here at all. I believe I would always be stuck between the two doors because I don’t see anything happening for me, but I’m always hopeful/curious.

mranony 8/28/2015 - 3:55 pm

Thank you. I agree. Life looks beautiful if it’s a little better. The world is becoming more deranged than ever. Makes you wanna fly to the space. Floating about. Just waiting for one of the two doors open and forcibly take you away. Hopeful? Yes, we are.

operationmintyhippo 8/28/2015 - 4:08 pm

I think if it weren’t for how fucked the world is and how corrupt everything and everyone is, we wouldn’t be stuck between the doors. I think only one would exist, and even if they both still existed, there would be no doubt on which to choose. It’s the world that puts us here then questions why we’re like this.

mranony 8/28/2015 - 6:12 pm

I agree. I like the way you think. Beautiful.
I, actually, like a fucked up world a little. It’s fun to watch the world end by our own shit. Yet in the same time, I wish for change. A world without nightmares. But what is life without it? I have yet to find out. But if you think about it, a world with nothing but bliss sounds about as fucked up as a deranged one.

mato42 8/28/2015 - 9:16 pm

I too often stand between those two doors until the one for a better life closes. For long I was lucky in my misfortune, but can I rely on it for my whole life? My reluctance to make a move lead me to apathy for most of my problems, which should be a good thing, I guess, only if that apathy wasn’t spreading like a disease. Everything goes south. I know it, I’m not blind. I just can’t seem to feel anything at all. I know what I should be feeling right now, but I simply don’t. I want to say that hopefully everything will work out for the best, but am I not putting myself again between those two doors instead of choosing one?

mranony 8/28/2015 - 10:03 pm

Ah, so we are both individual who are fed with luck. Yes, I agree that sometimes I think I don’t deserve it yet I still accept it. So with misfortunes. I accepted both and it scares me how fast I accept it. Is it because I’ve been living with apathy for so long? And now that I acknowledged my disgusting side, I came to learn I have other emotions. Anxiety, fear, care, depression… I started to understand that all this time, I’m apathetic as fuck. 10 years seems like a long time yet in the same time short. I barely have any memories of the past. That scares me as well. I started to realize that I am a weak person.

I’m sorry. Am I getting off topic?
Yes. Moving is quite scary. It makes the gray area seems comfortable.
I hope we could finally find the reason to open any of the two doors.

itstime4me 8/28/2015 - 11:35 pm

Just wanted to let you know i can identify with everything you wrote.

mranony 8/28/2015 - 11:54 pm

I don’t know what to say but thank you.

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