I feel like I don’t deserve everything that is given to me but I came to enjoy them. People’s kindness. I don’t quite understand it. I don’t want to accept it because I feel guilty. I know that I don’t deserve anything. I know I’m disgusting. I don’t know what I’m capable of. There are a lot of unanswered ‘what-ifs’ and ‘ors’ I don’t know my own emotions. If I’m crying for them or for my sake. Am I truly happy or did I just encountered an amusing thing that will eventually leave. Am I unmotivated or am I just lazy. Am I depressed or just looking for excuses. Did I truly love a person? There are friends I cast aside for the comfort of my own fear. Have I really felt sorry for a person or did I just see a part of me in them?
Don’t show me love. Don’t be kind to me. I might selfishly cling on to you. I am self-centered just as everybody else. I might unknowingly take advantage of you and there would always be a time where you’ll come to hate me.
I spit nonsense and fucked up bullshit. I talk to myself. I prefer to be alone but just as anybody else, I yearn for contact. But that would end too because of my own selfishness.
Forgive me, mother and father and to anyone who tried to understand me. I know my emotions switch a lot that it is probably the reason why we can never be mutual. I guess no matter how much kindness you give me, there will always be a reason for you to dislike me.
And no matter how much happiness this world could offer me, I would always yearn for death. But in the same time, afraid of the consequences. Am I not stupid? Two doors has been opened, not once but many times before, for me. One is for change while the other one is for death. And yet I chose none. I chose to stay in the gray area. Dreaming for both doors.
Will there be a time where I finally choose between the two?