I don’t even know what to feel anymore I’m just kind of, numb. I’m pushing everyone away from me and refusing to talk about what’s wrong when I’m asked. Day 1 almost down of no eating, day 2 almost down of another sleepless night. After going a few months without cutting I dug the blade into my thighs yesterday and again today. I layed in the bath and just bled. Like it was the most normal thing in the world, no pain just emptiness. I have an doctors appointment soon and I don’t want them seeing my thighs. I don’t feel a thing but I know deep deep down that if I let myself feel something I’m going to breakdown. I almost prefer this “suffering” over anything else.
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2 comments
You might prefer that suffering because you’re used to it, since it’s always difficult to shed the fear of new/unknown experiences. Pushing people away is normal… in a way you might be trying to protect them maybe?
If you had a relapse cutting… well, rome wasn’t build in one day, it takes time to get better (and it also depends on your definition of better). Be honest with your doctor, the only thing you’ll get by hiding things is piling up more and more baggage on yourself… you are seeing him/her for a reason. I wish you luck, and don’t be so hard on yourself, we all have relapses.
I know what you mean… that numbness can be like a shield, blocking the worst of the pain. Pushing people away is probably a similar response to suffering, to try to stop more pain reaching you. I think it can be easy to get a shock of pain and break down… but I hope you can talk to the doctor about it.