I’ve never been good at anything in my entire life. From the start I just caused my parents misery and made them split up before I could even form memories. At Primary School I was always behind the other kids, I never perfected my handwriting and to this day it’s still disgusting, I never had any friends in my class and was always just the retard that nobody liked. This continued into High School where I managed to get some help and actually caught up with everyone else eventually, even excelling in some subjects but still being considered a weird ugly loner by everyone else in my year. My only escape from the world ended up being video games and TV when I got home, much to the dislike of my family who would constantly berate me about not being like all the other kids my age and playing outside with friends.
Around the age of 14 I started to lose touch with reality, falling deeply into depression, every day was a cycle wanting to kill myself, this continued on till I was 15 and started doing my GCSEs. I ended up skipping school to not only stay away from everyone else who made me feel anxious and shitty, but to play video games. This of course effected my performance in school dramatically, but I always managed to weasel my way out of it with the school by telling them it’s just because I lived far from the school and couldn’t always make it or I was feeling too ill. My dad who I lived with at the time didn’t care if I went or not, he usually helped me with excuses just so he wouldn’t have to take me.
I managed to get my attendance down to around 20-30%, and when the GCSE exams were over the horizon most of my subjects decided I should just drop them and focus on the core subjects because I could never catch up. Long story short, I ended up failing what little GCSEs I did have besides English. But that was well over a year ago now.
When I turned 16 I was told I had to retake my GCSEs, so of course I was lumped in with all the other “special” kids who had failed their GCSEs for similar reasons at a sixth form college offering a GCSE course. I didn’t care though, I had already told myself I’d kill myself and none of it really mattered since I was 14, so it was all just a waste of time in my head and I could just relax. I ended up continuing the same cycle, whittling down my attendance and just generally not caring.
Until towards the end of the year where I actually made some friends and gained a new outlook on life.
I don’t know how to really explain it but apparently puberty made me attractive-ish, or at least not repulsive, and a small group of people whose classes I was in were kind enough to be friends with me. For the first time in a long time, life seemed positive and worth living. I wanted to work out, become even more attractive, be successful in school and live some form of life. I saw myself with a future.
Skip to now, I turned 17 a month ago and I got my results in the mail today(I was scared of going in to collect them on the 20th). Surely I could actually go through with living a normal life now, right? I would get the results I wanted, go onto A-levels like a normal kid, eventually university, maybe get a boyfriend and live a life that wasn’t just a depressing cycle of failure and self pity, right? Wrong.
I failed, again. Even when I started to try, I failed. It feels like I’ve set myself up on this path too long and I’m gonna have to kill myself whether I want to or not, because this embarrassing failure of a life just is unlivable. It’s just going to be more suffering if I continue and improvement doesn’t actually exist for people like me. I’ve never heard of someone genuinely successful, attractive and happy who had a background similar to mine, and it all just looks hopeless.
Tomorrow I get the house to myself, I think I’m just going to go about my day as per usual. Maybe watch some netflix, play some Witcher 3, talk to some people online. Then when I’m utterly relaxed and have made peace, I’m going to lay down in the bath with a boxcutter, slit my wrists and wait for it to be over. I’m done, I hope that I can finally become nothing in death. I hope for absolute nothingness so that I never have to experience being me, or being anything, ever again. I hope this world stops being horrible some day, I hope everyone finds happiness and nobody ever has to experience a shitty life like this, but I don’t want to stick around to see it because deep down I just know. I’ll never have it for myself.
9 comments
I would like to know why you believe your parents split up because of you. Did they tell you this? Or is this an assumption you made yourself? As the child of divorced parents I blamed myself for their break-up, as the youngest child I believe I caused them bad luck when I was born. This assumption is something many children of divorced parents feel, but that does not make it true.
Everybody does not excel in school. The education system has been criticized because it fails to focus on the need of every child. I also was behind every student in my younger school days, I only barely passed onto the next grade each time. I eventually gave up in High School because I was dealing with home issues, bullying, anxiety, depression. Your problems at home and the depression you were feeling certainly had an effect on your performance. It’s a shame the school didn’t reach out to you to help you more when you needed it.
A lot of students have anxiety on tests. This does not mean they are dumb or a failure, it’s a lot of stress and pressure placed upon them to excel at that one moment. Is there anyway for you to try again? I’m sure this cannot be the end for you, sometimes you have to keep trying and then you succeed. Don’t get me wrong, I understand this can be exhausting.
Many successful people didn’t complete there education or had a broken hone life. Don’t sell yourself short, everyone has a different situation but that doesn’t mean the path to success is forbidden to them.
I understand if you have your mind set on this plan. I can only hope you will find peace but maybe by tomorrow you’ll rethink this and deicde to give yourself one more chance. I could relate to many of the problems you are facing, I understand feeling like a failure but that doesn’t mean it’s true.
I apologize for the long comment but I just want you to know you deserve to find happiness as well.
My parents actively told me this. When I lived with my mum she said my birth gave her a bunch of physical problems and that she wasn’t supposed to be able to even have children. She ended up becoming an alcoholic to cope with raising me for the first 9 years of my life, and she often told me she thought I was the devil when she was drunk. My grandparents told me that my parents were never meant to be together anyway and that I’m just the product of something that was doomed from the start. My dad acts like I’m a selfish parasite that’s been dragging him down and caused my mum to become an alcoholic.
I don’t blame any of them, I actually want to get away from them all and let them live their lives unhindered by my existence but I doubt I’ll be able to do that by just moving away now.
I understand that my problems at school are a result of a poor home, it’s one of the only things I bothered to pay attention to in sociology class. But it feels selfish to have expected my home to become any better just for me and I was always scared to talk to my school about it. I tried talking to my family about going to see my GP and maybe a therapist about my depression and anxiety but they just told me that I didn’t have either and I’ve just been making excuses to stay in the house for months at a time and be miserable.
I know people who’ve had it a lot worse than me and still managed to be brilliant at school. I sometimes think the problem is just me, I wasn’t supposed to live and I’m kidding myself by trying to be like everybody else. If anyone else had my life I’m sure they could do a lot better with it, and everything is just wasted on me.
I don’t think I even want to be like the successful people who had a broken home life or failed school. I just want to be like every other kid my age, those who started their A-levels at 16 and have friends or are going to uni. I don’t want to be the one who got left behind and held back, who did everything absolutely alone because they were a total and utter failure of a human being. I can never be normal, and what little chance I had at even coming close is taken from me by my own stupid fucking idiocy.
Thanks for the comment anyway, it helped me feel a bit better.
Thank you for replying and giving me more of an insight to your struggles. It’s truly unfortunate that your parents would treat you this way. Children don’t ask to be born and shouldn’t receive such harsh treatment from the two people who gave them life. My first experience with rejection came from my father and it’s something that has stuck with me to this day. I understand this pain, and I hope you see how wrong they are for doing this to you. Sometimes you have to erase the toxic people in your life to start anew. Even when those toxic people happen to be the ones who are suppose to love you the most.
I believe at the age of 17 you can take control of your health and seek help on your own. Whether you want to do this is up to you, but it might help you take control of a life you believe is being taken away from you.
Yes, I’ve known students who were abused at home or didn’t have a home at all and went on to excel in school, but this shouldn’t invalidate your pain at all. Everybody has a different situation and not everyone can just push the pain aside and keep focus.
I am in the same situation. I wish I could be “normal” and not have been left behind. I wish I could’ve completed school with everyone else, and have a social life like everyone else. But not everyone will walk down the same path. Walking down this path alone hurts, but it can be done if you wish to give it one more chance. Don’t compare yourself with others. Reading your post and comments I can tell you’re very intelligent.
I’m sorry, I know you feel there is no other option. Whatever decision you make I understand. I just hope you would be able to accomplish your goals in life and find a solution to this pain other than death.
this society is hyperlookist, and i can see where you are coming from. but Your mention of becoming more attractivish, gives me the hope that your life will be managable. failing exams at 17 doesn’t mean anything. you still have plenty of time too change that by studying. you have learned a lot from your past, take a good lesson out of them, and always improve your looks as much as You can ;they will help you a lot more than a degree will do. (sorry for the denials? ). keep working on your education too though, why not go for two apples if you can ?
The problem is though that I not only failed one year, but two. Even if I do go at it again and do come out successful, I’ll be 18 by the time I’m allowed to go onto my A-levels. I’ll be 2 years behind everyone else. I’ll also have to start paying for my education at 19.
Just studying isn’t going to fix this, it’s a matter of the time I wasted by being depressed or giving up. Time wasted that’s going to effect my entire future from this point on, cripple me for the rest of my life. I just don’t see any other options any more.
I felt the same as you when I was your age. I skipped school a lot so I could just be home playing Borderlands. It was a lot better than school and caused my anxiety and depression so I just decided to stay home. My gpa dropped drastically, and I wasn’t able to get into the college I wanted. I thought I was a failure and should just quit life. But I decided to try an easy entry college and got a degree in accounting. I’m now an accountant that makes peru hold money, I got a place of my own, and I found a guy who thinks I’m attractive and makes me feel beautiful. We’ve been together a few years now. I’m now 20. I promise it’s possible to turn something awful into a great thing, and I really hope you decide to stay with us and try out some things. You’re still young and have so many fun options to try.
Pretty good money** my phone is awful.
This is gonna sound clichéd as fuck. But its true
“Suicide not only stops your life from becoming worse, it also, and perhaps more importantly, eliminates the chances of your life getting better ever again. “
Hey, you said it, you just started trying. You can’t expect to leave everything lying around for a good while and then just come back to it for a while and have things your way, sometimes it does take several tries. I also weaseled out my grades on high school, and at some point or another it just stops working (for me it was last high school year/1st uni year). Here’s the thing tho: even if you were up to date on your studies, nothing warranties that you can get a job, i did end up uni and never got a decent one before falling ill, and i know plenty of people that have great jobs and they didn’t even finish high school.
Not saying that you shouldn’t finish high school, but i’m saying that falling behind a couple of years isn’t the end of the world. Some people do need more time figuring out what to do with their life. I started studying again (something completely different) and you’d be surprised how many people are just now starting to study something for the first time (most are 25+ yold).
Another thing tho, it’s not bad to have hobbies (i’m all up for videogames, i even have megaman sneakers and i’m 33 for crying out loud), but it’s good to keep them at bay. Those highly immersive games that are put out nowadays are no different than gambling (been there with witcher 3). You could have picked a better game to drop out than borderlands tho 😀 (j/k)