I have been a fighter all my life, molested as a child and growing up in extreme poverty in Flint, Bullied constantly and then raped when I was 15. Depression has never been a stranger to me, but I always wondered whether it was circumstantial or a chemical imbalance. I met my boyfriend of 7 years in high school and attended college, I even sought help from a psychiatrist who prescribed me Seroquel and told me I had Bipolar Disorder, the pills made me a zombie for 5 years but for once in my life my insomnia went away. Fast forward to now, my boyfriend left me for another woman a week before our 7 year anniversary, my grandmother passed at the same time, my doctor pulled me off of my medication the Seroquel and I have chronic back pain that they have yet to diagnose besides fibromyalgia and arthritis. I see no hope for the future and I don’t have any support. the one friend I do have I have to plaster on a fake smile and pretend I’m ok otherwise she tends to stop talking to me like my depression is contagious. The only thing stopping me so far from taking a bunch of pills is that it would completely devastate my mother and my nieces, but I know that even that excuse is running thin because I have begun to write letters. I have tried seeking help from a counselor but she didn’t even bat an eye when I told her about my suicidal thoughts. I’m not looking for anything, just hoping if I write down my story it will stop plaguing me and since I have no one to talk to in real life at least someone will know part of my story.
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I don’t know you (of course) but you come across as a fighter–which you’ve mentioned of course. Depending on your relationship with your mother, have you considered reaching out to her for help? I am glad that you have reached out to a counselor… it’s too bad of your experience. I know that it can be exhaustive but if your hesitant on reaching out for your mother, perhaps try reaching out to another counselor, a local priest (if you are religious and /or comfortable of course) … don’t forget that there are helplines available in your area who may be able to help you out too. There are also likely local organisations that can connect you with local support groups. 7 years in a relationship is tough and you’re not likely to be ready to move on…. that said if you end up joining a local support group you have the opportunity to be amongst peers who can understand your plight… and who knows… you may end up meeting someone. I don’t mean to rush things… I’m just trying for set up a glimmer for you. 🙂
You’ve had a tough one. You always have an audience on SP… I realize that it is not the same as a real person but at least you can say what you want without judgement.
I send you nothing but peace and I wish you well. And remember that you always are welcome on SP as a place to vent and/or look for support.
Thank you for reading and finding the time to reply, I am close to my mother but since she has been away on vacation I haven’t had any support in this tough time and I hate frightening her. I know she can relate to my feelings of despair and hopelessness but that makes her even more aware of how depressed I really am and she gets so emotional that I have to comfort her so it would be best for me to find an outside party such as groups or different counseling, I just want a glimmer of hope for my life and I don’t want to continue down this path I have been hurdling towards.
molestation changes us. fuck those pedophile fucks though. fuck em. it wasnt our fault those degenerates are fuckin ***** bitches
@whiskeygirl are you still here?