Today’s the day. I am killing myself today.
Just wanted to say goodbye? IDK, my family doesn’t give a fuck about me and I just wanted to say goodbye to somebody.
If you must know, I have been suicidal since I was 17 (I’m now 26). This all feels very pointless to type but I’ll type it anyway.
I was so neglected by my parents that I was allowed to become morbidly obsese. At 12/13 y.o. I weighed 240lbs. I was harrassed and ridiculed on a daily basis in Junior High and it was torture, I grew to absolutely loathe waking up every day and felt like a walking eyesore to everyone. In the formative years when you start talking to girls, etc. I felt like a fat repulsive smelly piece of shit. My dad left when I was 12 and disappeared for 9 months, then came back with a whole new family. He didn’t really pay attention to my sister and me anymore. My mom remarried an loser alcoholic who verbally abused her for years and made my already shitty household horrible and I had to grin and bear it, trying to fall asleep and just listening to him badger her every night. She refused to leave him because that’s what she thinks she deserves.
Anyway I lost the weight and got into good shape around 16, about 160lbs, and got a girlfriend. I realized that I am not capable of becoming close to or loving anyone. She fell more and more deeply in love and I just felt–nothing. Same thing happened with my 2nd girlfriend and 23. She fell in love, I felt nothing.
So anyway, after I had lost the weight, I realized I was still feeling like garbage. Losing weight solved nothing. I can tell you now that losing weight won’t solve the way you perceive yourself inside.
I fell in love with music at 14, learning to sing and play guitar and write songs, and I had a lot of ambition but it has been nothing but a nightmare–failure after failure.
I got tinnitus at 19 and it really was hard to deal with, but I got over it.
Anyways, let me wrap this up. I was trying really hard with music and 3 months ago my band broke up. I put all my eggs in one basket, devoted my entire life and every fibre of my being into music, and I lost it all. Lost our manager, lost our fanbase (the small one we may have had), lost my purpose, lost everything. On top of that I had sex with a random girl on tinder and she dumped me after the first sex. I think it was because my penis was too thin, I didn’t feel much “friction,” although she didn’t say so. Turns out she was sexually abused at 4 years old and couldn’t handle sex with anyone. Who knows? I blame my penis.
After the band broke up 4 months ago, I’ve gotten irritable bowel syndrome (terrific pain in my abdomen and running to the toilet w/ diarrhea 12 times a day), a bunch of distracting visual hallucinations (ophthalmic migranes, floaters, flashes, weird flickering spots, visual snow, pulsations, etc.) and a week ago my right ear started ringing loudly. The ringing in the ear put me over the edge–I just can’t bear it. Enough is enough. I can’t continue with this torture for absolutely NO reward. It’s basic psychology, positive reinforcement. I get NO positive reinforcement out of living–It’s a horror every day–a cesspool of anxiety and disappoinment and feeling fat and repulsive inside and obsession.
Part of my job is doing deliveries in NYC, and I see these beautiful tan women with low cut shirts and midriffs showing walking down 5th ave all confident and I hate them, I want to physically strike them down, because they have nice bodies and I was denied one. I have stretch marks and loose skin because of bad parenting. I lost the weight but I can’t erase the scars of the emotional damage done to me. But these sexy sleek 5th avenue girls have had it made since day one, you can see how they thrive and have a lust for life. Good for them–they have the tools to enjoy life. I don’t.
Anyway, I have a plan, location, I’m picking up the tools today. I am not going to do any suicide notes or any other bullshit, I’m just going to go have an everything bagel with cream cheese (I banned myself from having them for years, since that sole food is what made me fat as a child, I lived on bagels) and drive to my location and hopefully drift off into nothingness. It’s scary, but the Nike slogan keeps popping in my head: “Just Do it.”
In case your wondering, I have tried to get help. I’ve been in therapy for the past 4 months and the guy doesn’t do anything but label me and make me feel worse (he’s diagnosed me with OCD and Somatization Disorder). No help coming from him, at all.
I also tried calling an ex girlfriend and she just coldly said “Not a Good Time.” No one cares, but I guess it serves me right.
I also called the Suicide Hotline and they answered saying “How Can I Help You?” Are you fucking kidding? What is this, Verizon Customer Service? I’m about to KILL MYSELF, and you wanna know how you can HELP ME? I felt silly and hung up. The person did not give two fucks, I could just hear it through her cold clinical tone on the other line.
5 comments
I know how you feel, i know how painful is to feel trashy, and i want to tell you that it dose get better if you believe in yourself. It sounds cheesy but is true. Please don’t do it! Don’t give up!
I understand that anything I say probably won’t change your mind. I don’t even know if you’ll see this comment. I just want to say I’m sorry it has come to this. I really want people to stay, keeping trying, and find happiness, but that might be a selfish wish on my part.
Neglect and rejection creates a wound that keeps opening again when you feel rejected again. Your parents should have been there for you and taken care of your health. Bullies in school are horrible, and I will never know where they learn this cruelty from, and why they continue the cycle of cruelty. Your step-father was a bully as well.
Losing weight doesn’t always come with self-confidence. If you are still scarred by the cruelty you received, it’s hard to love yourself when you feel worthless. Loving yourself is probably one of the hardest things to do. No matter how many people love you, if you don’t love yourself you will destroy yourself.
Irritable bowel syndrome is usually caused by stress and anxiety. I experience it as well. I’ve been told the best way to treat it is just to relax, but that’s easier said than done. When your life is in turmoil there is not much time to relax. When you suffer from physical conditions as well as mental, it makes life a living hell. Most physical conditions are caused by the mind. I guess this is why people say to avoid stress, but, yeah, easier said than done.
NYC is not an easy place to be in, probably one of the most stressful places to live. Many of the people are trust fund babies and have everything given to them. It may look glamorous to us but we really never know so I try not to judge them too harshly. But when it comes to their looks it is hard to not feel envious. It’s very triggering.
Many doctors are jerks to be honest. It takes forever to find one who will really listen and not just label you. Many people who work for suicide hotlines are getting paid to care. I’m sure many who answer genuinely want to help, but it’s hard because there’s no real connection.
I don’t really know what to say. I do hope you find peace if you succeed, but I also hope something might change your mind and you’ll stay here. If this is goodbye…goodbye. I only wish the best for you.
Sadly, everything you said is so true.
Trust fund babies are everywhere up there, while they have money they are some of the most dysfunctional in society.
Hotlines get paid to care and yet…they don’t even have it in them to pretend that they care. I’ve called one of those hotlines a couple times, mainly out of curiosity and one time bc I did need someone to talk to. I was better off talking to a pile of logs or the toilet or even a ham sandwich.
So many doctors do not listen and just pass you off or just categorize you into something quick and simple because they get paid to do so…and lets be honest, it’s easy and they don’t have to think about it.
So sad, all of it but true. You are so right.
I do hope that if you do go through with it, that you get what you seek. And that you find peace on the other side or whatever lies after here. Just hope you don’t end up worse off than you are now. Just make sure you have thought it though and that it will not fail.
Wish you all the best here or otherwise.
I care, I’ll talk to you if you call me. I don’t know how you feel, but I know how a shitty life feels and sadness/guilt thar weigh heavy on my chest that breathing is almost impossible. I want you to live another day.
Yeah part of me wants to strike down all the perfect girls because they’re the reason us fat “girls” can’t ever get a man. All men want the same thing, a dime a dozen perfect 10, they are everywhere like a cockroach problem gone unchecked. But to a fat girl, there will be the one guy that is perfect in their eyes. But he won’t give her a second thought.