I cant be who i am when who i am gets in the way of what i so desperately want. To be loved, to be accepted as I am without someone telling me what i cant change is wrong or disgusting… So I hate myself. More so than anyone ever hated me. I dont think im a bad person, but every time I try to show someone how i feel, im met with this look of disgust and contempt, given lectures of total bullshit, brushed off, pushed away… even betrayed by people i thought I could trust. They were my friends until i couldnt joke about my shitty life anymore, i just cant bear it.
When i tell them how sad i feel, no one cares about what i feel, its just this awkward situation they have to deal with, like all i am to them is a reason to evade me and escape. It would kill someone to show they care about how i feel, just as it kills me that they dont. I dont want to go outside because thats all i expect from anyone now. I expect them all to find any reason not to put themselves in my shoes, any reason to not be sad like i am and so they run off to be with those that dont talk about sad things. Its like im lost in my past and everyone around me is lost in the future, and i cant escape cuz i cant hope anymore, it hurts me more than the actual pain. I cant hope that i might run into a truly kind soul because i am a freak. just some weird thing that needs to change or go away. Truly being myself gets me nowhere cuz then people really do run and hide.
I dont know what comfort feels like. i see people crying on tv and theres always someone to hold them when they do… the one time i found out what that felt like was just thrown away like nothing happened… how could i not love him for making me feel this completely alien feeling: Safe. I havent felt safe since i was a child, and then no matter what i do i cant get that feeling back, no matter how much i care for others, no matter what i do, its never enough.
Love seems foreign to me now… in fact i found someone who did care, the first person i recall that fell in love with me and i couldnt return what they felt… and i hated myself even more.
All i can think is “i hate my life, i hate myself, i wish someone would kill me cuz their selfish words feel like knives anyway. i should kill myself…” But i cant. I dont want to be cruelly selfish like everyone else out there; killing myself would be even worse… but i am the reason i cant get what i want, whether im being myself or pretending, it doesnt matter. My feelings dont matter. All i want is what i cant have and my feelings mean jack shit to anyone i truly care about… I look in the mirror and dont know what to say except this loop i cant escape.
1 comment
I know it may be a strange statement but you should start by accepting yourself.
I’m not saying that you should like yourself but just begin by accepting whatever you don’t like about it, those things are like that and can’t be changed? Then what? Society tells you they are a bad thing? Then what? True you want to be accepted but not everyone think the same way, that’s why we are human so there must be people who will accept you for who you are but you know, if you begin by accepting yourself maybe it’ll make your chances higher. I’m not criticizing you here don’t worry; I’m just trying to tell you the option I feel the more fitting here even though it may be a hard one.
I wish you find happiness.