It never seems to end. I am 24 now and I am still depressed. I have been to six different psychiatrists/therapists and I have been on many meds. I still spiral down into deep depression. I have been threatening to kill myself for years but I don’t have the guts. A part of me does not want to die. It’s like I have this thing inside me that is evil and wants to kill me. It wants to hurt me. I always get more sad when I think about killing myself. It’s like someone else is killing me. I feel like a victim of myself. I want to hurt my parents because they are the reason I exist. When people find out that I am depressed they are so surprised because I have everything that anyone could want I guess. But I don’t like myself. I think I am bad deep down. No one could ever love all of me. Except my mom. She loves me too much. She gets so upset when I am sad. It’s a burden. I have hidden my feelings about wanting to die from her for years now because I know it would hurt her so much but whats even more is that I know she would make me leave the life I lead and get some serious help in some mental hospital. She is a psychiatrist and a damn good one but it’s different because she is my mother. I want to hurt her but at the same time I won’t. I feel like two different people. It never goes away. Even while i was supposedly doing better and handling life, I did some very self destructive things. I put myself in a lot of danger. I also think I may be very manipulative or something. Whenever I am really sad my mom usually spoils me a little bit by buying me things or recently she sent me to a spa. So I get rewarded for a little sadness but then she gets angry with me when I don’t help myself. I don’t want to help myself. It’s like I want her to give up on me so that then I can really kill myself. I’ll really have a reason then. But I am afraid to do it. I have vicodin and ativan but I am afraid to take them. I guess I would take them with vodka…that would do it I suppose but I am too afraid. I get sad when I think about doing this to myself. I picture myself as a little girl and I’m hurting that little girl.
share your suicide story
Report Post
Please log in to report posts
3 comments
I could totally relate to the dual voices inside, one wanting to hurt you and the other feeling like a victim. Its true. I feel the same way. No one could ever love all of me. I’m scared of hurting my parents too. That’s why I don’t open up about my depression. I wish I could help but all I can do is ask you to hang on in there. I can’t say it gets better and stuff but I hope the love of your family gives you enough courage to survive and feel better someday.
Right. I hear what you’re saying and the other me hears you too. You said that part of you doesn’t want to die, but that you get more depressed and sad when you think about killing yourself.
So, there’s the old Cherokee Legend
An old Cherokee is teaching his grandson about life. “A fight is going on inside me,” he said to the boy.
“It is a terrible fight and it is between two wolves. One is evil – he is anger, envy, sorrow, regret, greed, arrogance, self-pity, guilt, resentment, inferiority, lies, false pride, superiority, and ego.” He continued, “The other is good – he is joy, peace, love, hope, serenity, humility, kindness, benevolence, empathy, generosity, truth, compassion, and faith. The same fight is going on inside you – and inside every other person, too.”
The grandson thought about it for a minute and then asked his grandfather, “Which wolf will win?”
The old Cherokee simply replied, “The one you feed.”
Thank you for those comments. They are very helpful. I am feeling a little better today.