Its been a while since I thought about suicide. I had a panic the other day tho. I went and got some help in july. Went to this psychiatrist and got some ativan for anxiety and he gave me welbutrin for depression. I told him I didn’t feel depressed anymore. Just normal sadness ocassionionly. Lots of anxiety but not the suicidal solution that used to be right there just last year. Idk. I don’t think I’m depressed. The welbutrin doesn’t do shit as far as I can tell and this is like 2 and a half weeks in. I think I have add. I can’t focus for shit on anything and finishing stuff has always been hard. Supposedly the welbutrin is supposed to help with my focus. I’m bitching next time tho. I need like adderal. Ive had some before on the DL and I feel like a low dose would be perfect and allow me to function as an adult. As a kid I think being smart helped me compensate enough but as an adult shits just falling through the cracks. I’m bankrupt. Just defaulted on every bill monday. It’s freeing to a degree. I’ll file bankruptcy soon. I just left my girlfriend of 3 years. She’s such a flake. I only saw how selfish she really is recently. She has a lot of her own fucked issues and one of them is an obsession with financial security. I lost a job recently when the checks started bouncing. I feel like I could have saved my finances if I could only focus more. Now it’s too late. 5 years of perfect payments down the tubes. Idk anyway. She was asking me shit like are you going to get a job and go back to school and bla bla. Making it sound like the moment I don’t have money she would leave me. If my success stuttered. So I said be loyal or fuck off. I’m not worrying about being left at the bus stop because we hit a ruff patch. Of course I’m not going to just be a deadbeat living off her. She wants somebody to take care of her financially. I’m no bank account. Confused. Either you are all in or all out. I loved her but she doesn’t have the guts for the better or worse part of marriage. Idk it hurts so much. I wanted to marry her. Boys like girls and girls like cars and money I guess. Idk who left who her or me. I thought about killing myself as I drove home from the casino. I had bet all my bill money for the month. Double or nothing. I lost. It’s irrelevant I was going to have to default anyway. It was a last ditch effort. I wanted to just crash the car. I did like 85 thru 45mph zones. Then called a bankruptcy lawyer and calmed down. Fuck the bills. 35 thousand in unsecured debt. I’ll just keep paying my car note and fuck the rest. It’s only 120 a month. Popped a double ataivan. Cried the rest of the way home. I can’t believe the person I considered the love of my life is so selfish. It hurts a lot. It’s so disappointing. It’s hard not to blame myself for her being a selfish money gruber. I don’t want to die like I did last year. I really just wished I was dead all the time. Now I feel like I’ve accomplished nothing in the last couple years. Dating wise I’m lonely and sexually frustrated as hell as well as disappointed in someone I loved more than air. No job now. Just got a turndown from my last interview. Idk life’s just really shitty right now. I wish I could just find a cute girl that would kiss me like I was the best thing since sliced bread. Girls like that don’t exist tho. To just come out of the woodwork and make you feel wanted maybe even sexy when you feel like shit. Woman are attracted to perceived success and confidence. I just don’t have much confidence in anything right now. I wish getting a sympathy fuck that isn’t cheap was actually possible. Idk what do you all think ?
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I think stay strong and regather your thoughts and take your time.
I thought ativan was short acting and not good for anxiety but panic attacks. You should think about switching to Valium or a more long acting benzo. I’m on clonazapam and works great for about 8hours. You got through last time even though things are different now but try to gather strength from last time. Its different being alone. When me and my wife broke up after 6months of being married I turned to drinking smoking and gambling and lost it all even my job. Sucked but I finally came home and now living with my parents until I decide what I want to do in life. There’s still many different scenarios your life could play out. But just take it easy for a bit.
I’m shooting for xanax and adderal next time I’m in for my appointment. I don’t need this antidepressant crap. I know what depression feels like and I came out of that fog like end of last year after years of serious depression and sucidal thoughts like daily or weekly at best. Now I’ll have the occasional. FML I should leap off a bridge idea when shit hits the fan but its def not the serious option it was before. Yeah idk atavan definitely helps calm down the times I feel panic attack ish. Like ill feel like its getting stuffy in the room and claustrapobic and like dry mouth. Then i need to just get the fuck out of the room or house and get some fresh air and splash water on my face. The ativan takes too long. Im on 3 a day 1 mg. I take the ativan and put it under my lower lip and it seems to work faster than swallowing it and they dont taste like anything so its not horrible. But for general anxiety I’ve had xanax on the DL as well. Way better.