I think I might have made a post like this some time ago, but the last few months have been … odd, to understate the case. I have some facets, some core beliefs I’ve formed, that make me an impossible girl indeed.
1) I’m a grey ace. Grey asexual. I can feel some sexual desire, though largely when reading erotic fic or something, sometimes for someone I care about, but I don’t want sex. Romance, yes. Sex, no. It took me a very long time to accept that this doesn’t make me broken, it simply puts me on a different part of the spectrum that is human sexuality. Do I have sexual trauma in my history? Yeah. No, I don’t think this is a reaction to that. I have been making myself be “normal” for years, and all it’s led to is unhappiness. I don’t want that anymore.
2) I want a partner, not an owner, not a slave. Saw a quote a while back, “I don’t want you to save me. I want you to stand by my side as I save myself.” I want someone to wander through this crazy thing called life with, someone who is my equal, who won’t prop me up constantly (or make me prop them up), but who will reach out and steady me if I’m in danger of completely falling over. I’ll do the same for them in return.
I’m fairly certain that, between one and two, I should take convenience for my cats into consideration when eventually buying a house of my own. (Ah, yes. They must respect my cats. I wouldn’t have made it through some days of my life without whatever bundles of feline mischief were in it at the time, and their presence is non-negotiable. I don’t care if I have to pay out-of-pocket for allergy shots and HEPA air purifiers for every room the rest of my life, the cats stay.)
3) I firmly believe that the diagnosis “Borderline Personality Disorder” needs to be done away with completely. Not the disorder itself, but the name. More and more studies are showing that, often, what will be diagnosed as PTSD in males is diagnosed in females as Borderline. It’s gender discrimination that has no place in psychiatry, for one. More to the point, given the stigma attached to BPD–from misunderstanding of what the disorder is, to the implication of the name itself, that the patient is borderline psychotic–the diagnosis is almost as crippling as the disorder. When they were making the changes prior to publishing the DSM-V, the name Emotional Regulation Disorder was considered; it’s a step in the right direction, but, again, the implication that a man is traumatized but a woman is simply being overemotional (minefield set, I know) is highly, highly sexist, at best.
And, yes, it is my very unfortunate diagnosis. I grew up with my teachers and fellow students making sure that I knew, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I was unintelligent, worthless, and not fit to share air with them. My mother loved me, but she had no right having a child, and she had no idea how to stand up for me. Because the Catholic Church preaches procreation is not a reason to procreate. My father … well, he actually told me a few years back that he doesn’t actually like kids. Yeah, I could tell, dad. Recovering and healing is very hard when you are surrounded by everyone’s preconceived notions of BPD. How do you keep your sense of self when no one believes you can heal?
4) Sexual coercion/assault is an area this country (the United States) has dropped the ball on for far too long, and we need to get our act together. I don’t only mean violence against women. Sexual violence of any sort, sexual harassment of any sort is not acceptable, and people need to get that through their heads. Even if I was sexual, I will be a long time in recovering from an ex who felt that me not having sex with him (while he was engaged to someone else) was me being “bitchy and Borderline”, among the other things from that time.
In conclusion. I am a complicated woman, an impossible girl, an opinionated gal.
~Imp
9 comments
Long time back I watched interview of some women who were asexual. I hope you know there are people who don’t find any urge to have sex.
Regarding your search for partner, frankly I don’t think any guy would like to stay with a girl who doesn’t want to have sex because that’s the primary reason why men get into relationship.
About renaming BPD, may be you might know some disorders have been renamed recently like multiple personality disorder to Dissociative identity disorder. I don’t think
I found the term on asexuality.org, for what it’s worth. Here is the specific excerpt: “Asexuality and sexuality are not necessarily black and white. There is a spectrum of sexuality, with sexual and asexual as the endpoints and a gray area in-between. Many people identify in this gray area under the identity of “gray-asexual,” or “gray-a.” Examples of gray-asexuality include an individual who does not normally experience sexual attraction but does experience it sometimes; experiences sexual attraction but has a low sex drive; experiences sexual attraction and drive but not strongly enough to want to act on them; and/or can enjoy and desire sex but only under very limited and specific circumstances. Even more, many gray-asexuals still identify as asexual because they may find it easier to explain, especially if the few instances in which they felt sexual attraction were brief and fleeting.”
It’s the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, and it’s been very helpful in figuring that aspect of my life one.
Also, why not find an asexual guy?
Well, if that’s the latest definition, I now fit. Last time I went to an asexual site they told me I wasn’t asexual. A huge percentage of the p[population would now fit that definition.
@Liam89 I wouldn’t say it’s the primary reason. People want all kinds of different things in life, and, as such, value various aspects of a relationship differently as well. If the reason someone is entering a relationship is primarily sexual, then the relationship is less about caring for someone and more about that person’s own wants and desires. I’m certainly not an authority on the subject of relationships, but that just seems fairly obvious. Why wouldn’t the primary reason be companionship or just simply having someone to love and care for? What about that? What about making each other’s hearts melt with mere words? What about the feeling of warmth just having someone close to you or the palms of two hands touching and fingers entwined with one another? You know what I want most in this world Liam89? I want someone to hug me like they might not ever let go. Like I’m the most important person in the world to them. Sex is way down on my list of priorities. So, no, that is not the primary reason men enter a relationship. Some want more than that. Some want the person because of how they make them feel more than the body. There are lots of different people in the world, and yes, some don’t think with their brains, but some of those who don’t think with their brains are the kind of people who think with their hearts.
Well I have written a long comment but it’s ‘awaiting moderation’ may be you can read and moderate it by mail you might have received.
Ah yes. The cats live here first. The cats are more important than you. 🙂 Been there, I’ve had kitties.
Furry people always come first. In the last few years I have lost 2 girls aged 15 and 16. I was devastated. They were both cremated and some of their ashes are in a pendant urn hanging around my neck and they come everywhere with me now.
I currently have 1 girl who is 3 and she is an inside cat and 1 boy who is an outside cat whom I stole from the neighbors because they never fed him. Didn’t really steal him, I just fed him and he moved in and that was 10 years ago. I also have 5 strays that come each night to be fed.
I think an asexual experiences no sexual attractions at all. If you do experience sexual attraction but just don’t want sex, it would be classed as something else. I have been a member of asexual dating sites previously because I can not have sex but I am not asexual.
About your diagnosis, I wouldn’t worry too much about the label they give you. I think half the time they guess. I have been seeing Psychologists and Psychiatrists for almost 30 years and I have been diagnosed with:
Borderline Personality Disorder
Avoidant Personality Disorder
Dissociative Disorder
Depersonalization Disorder
General Anxiety Disorder
Bipolar Disorder
Antisocial Personality Disorder
Attention Deficit Disorder
Social Phobia with Panic Attacks
Major Depression
Suicidal Ideation
Self Harming Behavior
Obsessive Compulsive Disorder
Sexual Addiction
Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.
I’d agree with maybe 3 or 4 but no way do I have all of these.
Imp, I loved your post. Happy Womens’ Equality day. I don’t post on this site very often but I felt compelled to tell you I support you in your journey. The world is turning to shit and you have an original perspective that I admire and respect. More power to ya my fellow woman. I hope to read more of you posts in the future.