I don’t know what’s going on with me. I’ve been avoiding everyone and one person that’s the hardest to avoid is my boyfriend since he lives 1000+ miles away and looks forward to talking to me everyday. Last night I told him everything that was wrong since I’ve been pushing him away for a few days and he wouldn’t let me get away with it. I told him about my excessive drinking, my smoking cigarettes again (I broke my promise to him), me taking pills, cutting myself and not eating. He tried helping me he was so frustrated and just wanted to do what he could to help me but I pushed him away. Now today I still want to push him away I almost feel angry with him. I miss him but I don’t want to force myself to talk to him. I don’t know why I’m feeling like this, why I’m pushing away the one person that wants to fix me.
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2 comments
Eh. My boyfriend lives… (checks) 2175 miles far away (we live at the two different ends of Europe) and sometimes I want to be alone too. There’s nothing bad with your need to be alone. Just…you should know when to stop. Get your time. Get a grip on yourself. Your boyfriend doesn’t know what sits in your head. He may be supportive but he is so far away. If you feel quiet, you have a right to feel like that. Don’t force yourself to be happy.
I’ve had times where I’ve pushed people away without wanting to or even being able to control it. I didn’t understand why at first, but usually it was to feel less guilt when they couldn’t help and I was getting worse (it made things harder), and maybe partly to feel like I could control something. I think in part it was depression-thinking – things are so bad already and if that person doesn’t need me then there’s really nothing left. Basically it was self-destructive, and at the same time trying to avoid feeling even worse. It can be helpful to get some space, but it depends why you’re doing it. Hopefully he understands that whatever the reasons are, things are going badly for you and you need him to be patient with you.