im basically word vomiting at this point so if this post jumps around a lot please bare with me.
ive been in a pretty big slump and i cant seem to get out, all i can think about is dying and what it would be like to die, and what people are going to think when i die, and what happens after i die. i made several plans to commit suicide and i just cant push myself to do it, im such a lazy piece of shit. i thought that maybe if i go back to school ill enjoy senior year so much that ill hang on a little longer, but today was the first day and i just felt like i had a huge lump in my throat all day because i was trying not to cry all day. ive had less mental breakdowns today than i usually do but theyre more severe and i feel like a reached a new level of hopelessness. for myself at least. i turn seventeen tomorrow and i guess thats exciting but i just feel numb. this depression, this whatever it is, is eating me alive and its destroying everything good in me and leaving me with nothing but misery and emptiness. but i cant tell anyone and i wont because im reading this over with the voice of a whiny teenager and i refuse to be a basket case.
1 comment
Hey there pal, I feel your pain. I’ve got a few years on you, but I’m not much further ahead in the game of life. This existence is going to be a long haul and I’m not sure how to tackle such a wide span of time without getting overly anxious. Human beings weren’t meant to live to 80 years and upwards on top of being demanded to work practically the entire time. We were really only meant to live to 30. If technology were able to extend the human life span to 200 years would you be wrong for wanting to clock out at 30. Hell no. We are slowly dying and if you come to a brick wall after years of effort, you will finally be able to let go and be relinquished to the spirit world. However, I believe in the resiliency of the human body and spirit. Your laziness could in fact be your body’s instincts to slow you down so you don’t burn your engines out too soon, and are thus able to enjoy a graceful exit in your old age. Whatever you do after senior year, make sure you make yourself the first priority. Get a menial job, live a simple and low-stress life, and focus on the hereafter by dedicating time to living an enriching spiritual life.