Has anyone failed at full? What happened?
Have you ever tried or even thought about committing suicide to any of these places? And do you have a place in which you would like to commit (or attempt) suicide?
As for me, I went to the Corinth Canal several times (for those who don’t know, I live in Athens, Greece), but I never thought to jump from the Acropolis of Athens… And I keep wondering why…
Well, I almost did it. I was crossing the line before the part of me that hates me stopped me. I deleted my previous posts about my intent for suicide because I felt that they were stupid, childish, poorly written and whatever else negative the other me wanted to come up with.
Anyway, I’ve been depressed for going on 5 years now. Long story not-so-short: my parents have had a volatile, explosive, violent marriage full of mistrust, lies, paranoia. My dad is a HUGE guy. Not in the fat sense, in the could crush a train between his fingers sense. So when things got physical between him and my mom I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t protect anyone. I’ve lived with that inferiority complex for most of my childhood to now. Five years ago I was raped and stabbed by three grown men. I was fourteen. I’ve struggled since with trusting people, my sexuality, relationship shops and friendships. I’ve kept a girlfriend for three years now. She has come from a similar background and is the most loving, loyal person I think could ever exist. She has her caveats though and our relationship is also volatile to our depressed emotions. Now in college, I’m supposed to be able to manage the adult world. Well: an F, F, F, C, and and C- would say I’m incredibly unqualified. The amount of marijuana I smoke might say so also. So: back to my suicide attempt.
In culmination of the things in my life from the above paragraph, and the stuff I left out because there’s just too damn much, I made the 6th real attempt on my life. Let me tell you: this is straight disheartening. I purchased a hemp rope dog leash from the local petstore. I tied it to a tall wooden frame on my bedpost and at the end, made a small noose of the metal fastener and rope. I put a bit of fabric around my neck for padding and was ready. I took a huge hit of alkyl nitrates (poppers for you urban folk), and began to feel it’s intense sedating effect. I let myself slip into the noose and let my knees on the ground as I kneeled away from the post. The pressure on my throat was almost unnoticeable as my brains dopamine levels rose. In seconds my vision began blackening. I was all too familiar with this feeling. “It’s working.” I tell myself. “I’m at peace now.” My brain began going fuzzy, thoughts surged like a lightning storm, the pressure in my head was building and I was slipping away. My eyes closed and I no longer felt the rope around my neck. A thought was prominent: “I’m dead.” Once that phrase was thought, I could feel as my body entered a panic. “YOU’RE DYING. YOU’RE DYING, SOMSONE GET THE ROPE FROM OFF HIM.” It’s almost as if I could hear another person shouting. My eyes opened panicked and my vision was blotched heavily with black static as my instinct fought to survive. My hands flailed uncontrollable, searching for the noose. I tried to stop them but they grabbed hold. The downside of being able to bicep curl more than your own weight: even when being weakened by the lack of brain power, my muscles prevailed in pulling my body up with the rope enough to not be asphyxiated.
The moment I sat up, the blood began rushing back to my head. My brain was in shock. I could not even comprehend what has just happened. It was unlike other suicide attempts. I felt like I had gone mute. I remember specifically thinking, “I hope noone comes in, I can’t speak.” This feeling lasted for about a minute before the “oh god, I almost died” feeling set in. Followed by “why couldn’t I have just died, why did I have to live?”
I just want peace. I plan on living through Christmas, maybe the new year. I was considering joining the military as a means of escape and solving my problems. But I’m too heavy a weed smoker, I couldn’t be shipped out in time to pass a drug test, but before the next semester. I plan on trying again soon.
Have any of you ever experienced this? It makes me wonder, if I want to die so badly, why can’t I bring myself to go ish me off? Life can be so frustrating.
Well I made it thru today with only a few minor scratches and awkward moments at work. To those of u who commented this morning (my time), may ur karmic bank accounts overflow!! Without spewing too many platitudes u guys really helped. Example….where I wouldve gone to the bathroom at work and watched YouTube videos of the golden gate bridge and budd dwyer repeatedly, I just checked ur comments on my post. I reckon that’s much healthier behaviour. Hang tough mofos and try to keep it together. That’s all I can do atm.
Ok so I’am sitting on a bunk bed , yes a bunk bed of course the bid nice house was a lie its a two leveled apartment with three room all small. I’m staying in the smallest room with two sets of bunk beds. that I think half the sizes of twins and since my husband refuses to sleep in separate bed for two night I sleept in a wall. When I asked to sleep by my slef the whole group said if you fitted on the couch at his grandmothers whats the Problem.
Lake tahoe looks like a shitty little mountain town with enough branches to hang myslef. Nothing special expected for the casinos and skiing wich is also shit .
I found out from the girl living with me she has not made over 200$ In two months so my husband is lier not that was news Im looking at the street in front of the ofice I want to die .
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any advice on a broken heart, I am so so so broken, I have no idea what to do with myself either hang myself or run the fuck away!!!
I have broken many many bones and nothing compares to deep deep heart break!!!
I’m sixteen…and even so I don’t know what to do with my life anymore.
I feel like I’ve failed my parents and I’ve failed myself more than ever. For the past two to three years, I’ve tried to commit suicide, but I can’t bring myself to use a knife, or to pop a pill, or even to hang myself. I used to cut, but that became a hard stop when my parents found out and I’ve been clean since then. I tried talking to my counselor, but my parents got mad because they said: “It makes us look bad!”
I’m falling apart..inch by inch. I don’t like smiling anymore, I don’t want to hang out with people, but at the same time I don’t want to be alone. It’s like I want someone there, someone who loves me, but I just can’t bring myself up to find that person who’ll protect me. I’m scared…and I want to run. I want to go and find a place for myself and my little fantasies. I don’t want to feel like this anymore, but now it feels like I have no choice cause there isn’t anywhere else to go in life. I end up crying and crying and crying. I just want things to go back to normal…
I feel stupid. I said good bye and I couldn’t do it. Took all my meds, tied the rope, had the noose around my neck but the pain was so strong, I couldn’t do it. Ended up sleeping for 2 days again and with a sore throat. How the fuck can depressed teenagers hang themselves from doorknobs and in closets? HOW?
Why can’t I just sleep forever? Sleeping feels so good. Everytime I wake up I think ‘Oh, fuck, again, a new day to survive’.
I am so fucking stupid.
If I were to do it…
By it, I mean take my life.
The plan would be creative,
Full of spite.
With some rope I’d hang,
My feet still touch the floor.
Not enough to asphyxiate,
Just to numb the core.
A gun fixed behind me,
With pulleys and cables to the door.
So you can be the one to kill me,
Like so many times before.
Maybe then you can feel me,
Through my blood upon you face.
Maybe then you’ll see,
The folly of your ways. . . If I were to do it
I’d remove all of the doubt.
If I were to do it,
you’d know it’s all your fault.
Hello, I can’t keep taking life from no success and all failures. They say you should try and keep trying but all i have been doing is stopping and stopping. I keep telling myself will i get better if i keep my vision on the right track. But when i think about it.. What do i really envision about myself? I’m 24 and male. my life has been a huge lack on interaction with people. it’s so hard to be myself with new people because the real me is a trans-gender. I always had more guy friends then girls.. I wanted to have more friends who i have interests with. So when i was 17 i pretended to be gay to have more of a feminine side to people so i can finally meet girls and talk about girly things and just speak myself freely as possible. But when i kept at it i turned sad again knowing they only liked me for the gay me.(i am a female in a males body but also only like women so i am a lesbian). I moved away from them since i was with 2 parents who hated each other since their divorce. I was a quiet kid with half my school years. But then i somehow(can’t remember). Was able to talk to people but in the end of that i had a lot of people who were called “friends”. But they were not. I had like 50 people’s phone numbers and none of them texted me or called me to hang out i t was always my effort to push to get them to hang out with me. I was so alone even if i had so many numbers and none of them texted me or called me to hang out it was always my effort to push to get them to hang out with me. i was so alone even if i had so many numbers. Then when i turned 20 i graduated high school.. at fucking 20… i had so much trouble in learning. i went through absolute hell being 20 and still in high school that i didn’t talk to anyone because so many called me slow or said disgusting or pedophile just because i was 20!? so after that i fell into a hole where i stayed on the computer for 4 straight years. I have 2 good friends very close to me. Most would kill to have that in their life even if i feel alone even with it.. My bff even cryed for the first time in his life because i called him and said i was going to commit suicide and say good bye to him. But his tears stopped me. many or a LOT of people would say i’m stupid for thinking of suicide or rather plan on it. But even with the stuff i said positive i still feel so lonely. My loneliness is killing me. This is my worst mental breakdown to date. A lot of the times i want friends and i mean people i can actually express myself to. So i tried going on the Internet and joining meetup sites to meet people. But the groups i wanted to join didn’t accept me. So that was a road block and a annoying one. All i want in my life turns out to be the hardest thing to get or if even possible. Which is happiness. So hard to obtain… I had 3 gf’s in my life my first gf royally fucked up with me so i let her go my 2nd was awesome but i am a fuck up now so it didn’t last. The 3rd doesn’t matte. I have a disability called schizophrenia. It’s real tough at times to deal with when i hear screaming voices in my head(imagine a drill sgt yelling in your ear). When they kick in it’s so hard to have a conversation. People often wish they were hot, pretty, or handsome or w/e… i have no convo skills for irl (in real life). i don’t have the motivation to walk up to women. Even if i did why would a straight women want to date another female???? Even if i look like a man.. I said the first thing because i was told i was a handsome person a few people who were judgmental about it. I don’t see how good looks are any good if you don’t even know how to use it… well with all this said i’m basically just too lonely to continue this life. And I don’t see any progress on achieving something for it. Thank you for reading my bad grammer. This will be a good bye on my part.
Yesterday I was at the condo unit of my friend with some blockmates. We decided to hang out there. They have 3 doubled deck. I lay down on the top bed near the window. I tried opening the window but they were mad at me. Maybe they know that I might jump out of the window. They know how crazy and mad I am. But I told them I wouldn’t jump. Not yet. And they let me open it but they were guarding me. I opened it and took my feet out. I looked down. I was very tempted to jump. It’s like I can be free once I jumped out. It’s like I can get out from this sick world. It was just for a little while because they were getting mad. Later, I opened it again. They were holding on my feet. I told them I wouldn’t jump. But I know deep inside me I want to. I want to be free. I want to get out. But they were holding on to me so maybe not yet… maybe the tight grip of their hands can be my reason for living… maybe…
I am 26 years old. I’m married… But I’m always alone and lonely.
Because I don’t have friends. I don’t have friends since when I was 18. I want to go shopping with friends and hang out with friends…Watching a movie with friends. Talking to friends on phone.
I can’t do that.
When I feel depressed, I can’t share this feeling with anyone. So I always stay at home, laying in bed, crying and waiting for coming the morning. Please be my friend… I’m so depressed I want to talk to someone. [ my kik : YYUKGRA]
Halloween sucked. Considering none of my friends wanted to hang out with me and I was left at home with no one to talk to. Now this Christmas I will be suffering under the same situation but with more sleepless nights and unforgiving depression than ever before. My family is going to Disney, the most happiest place on earth or so when it’s with those you love and care about you (my definition of it). Another vacation ruined by our “family friends” and my family’s lack of consideration for how I feel. Another anxiety driven plane ride after the other. “You’ll understand it when we get there”, my father told me this morning without letting me speak my mind. “It’s better if you just shut the fu** up and do as I say”. It’s always interruption, interruption, interruption with him. He only seems to care for himself. On the other hand, this family I’m going with is no family to me. They are religious but uncaring to a sad soul. Especially their daughters. They don’t accociate with me because I’m quiet and different than my sisters. I hate them, I really do, and I’m cutting my ties defenitly with that family as well as my own. It’s a hard decision to cut the connect wbut I feel it’s nessisary to be done to heal the wounds my parents have left in my heart all these years.
If you have come this far then I thank you, it means a lot to know someone is reading this.
I hope the rest of you have a better holiday than I will be having.
Sometimes it is hard to let go. I was in this dumb relationship once. I loved him so much that i could let go everything for him. We were doing great and people thought we looked cute together (now the idea of us being cute together sucks). This was that kind of relationship where there was no fighting but love was directly proportional to the passing days. But destiny is one big mother fucker! Very soon we weren’t doing great. He stopped talking to me and after a while even i did and very soon under some stupid circumstances we broke up (an initiative taken by me). At first it seemed to be right but later all i had was guilt going round and round in my brain. I thought i shouldn’t have done this. I chased him like crazy people but i never got him back. All i thought that my life was completely fucked up. I cried and cried and cut myself and all i got was nothing. I can’t let him go. He was one hell of an angel who changed my life. But as if destiny just gave me a face palm saying that ‘SUCK IT UP! You will never get him back! haha! It hurts! It is painful to let someone go like that especially one you spent like one year with that person! Someone rightly said ” it is not hard to hang on but hard to let go.”
I miss all of the old friends I have lost. They left me and I left them. I miss all the good memories I had with each of them. Now I’m stuck at home alone on Halloween with no energy and no friends who want to invite me to hang out with them, I have a feeling this years holidays are going to suck.
I’ve been thinking about you today. 14 years of you. 14 years filled with endless family tailgating, barbecues, alcohol, weed, and music. We haven’t been the same since I left for college a year ago. You broke me out of my shell, saved me from myself, and were the sister I never had. I know you’ve changed because you have all new friends, our mutual old ones don’t like you much. I can stop blaming myself for the most part. We needed this time apart because I was too dependent on you, I thought people needed you around to hang out with me. It’s not true, and I’ve gained a lot of independence since we stopped talking. Your sister told me something similar happened with her and her best friend and it was the hardest three years of her life and that this silence won’t last forever. I’ve started to come to terms with things I should have a long time ago. I still have our pictures, for some reason I can’t burn them like I can the letter I wrote to someone else because I know this won’t last forever. Just thinking a bit today.
I really appreciate the comments you made on my last couple posts. You’re the type of friend that I wish I could hang out with on a regular basis. It used to bother me that my group of friends only took time out of their schedules to hang out once every couple months, but now I don’t care at all. They’re all drinkers but none of them smoke, and I don’t drink but will smoke my weight in cheeba, so being with them tends to get boring after awhile anyway.
I find that people who don’t light up are trapped in their own way of thinking, and the older they get, the more close minded they become. I mentioned to Wndozh8er in one of his last posts that I’m surrounded by loving and supportive people, but that’s only because I smile and nod and go along with whatever they say. I’m easy going and say and do whatever I have to to blend in with them when I’m out in their world, and it’s exhausting! Rarely am I relaxed and feeling free enough to act like my true self when in the company of others. My dealer and smoker cousins are the only people I like to chill with because we have the best conversations. Now that I think about it, my love for smoking is another major hurdle that keeps me from wanting to socialize and date people. Thinking back to the end of the movie Half Baked, when Dave Chappelle’s character throws away his last joint so that he can be with the love of his life, I would choose the joint over the woman lol If you don’t smoke or have some sort of mental dysfunction like I do, then I don’t really wanna hear your life story lol I’ve stopped giving non-smokers the time of day; I’m a weed snob! lol
Cheers buddy! This next bud’s for you @_@
so I decided to invite 5 friends over
and xanny #5
5 good friends for a lonely night.
im basically word vomiting at this point so if this post jumps around a lot please bare with me.
ive been in a pretty big slump and i cant seem to get out, all i can think about is dying and what it would be like to die, and what people are going to think when i die, and what happens after i die. i made several plans to commit suicide and i just cant push myself to do it, im such a lazy piece of shit. i thought that maybe if i go back to school ill enjoy senior year so much that ill hang on a little longer, but today was the first day and i just felt like i had a huge lump in my throat all day because i was trying not to cry all day. ive had less mental breakdowns today than i usually do but theyre more severe and i feel like a reached a new level of hopelessness. for myself at least. i turn seventeen tomorrow and i guess thats exciting but i just feel numb. this depression, this whatever it is, is eating me alive and its destroying everything good in me and leaving me with nothing but misery and emptiness. but i cant tell anyone and i wont because im reading this over with the voice of a whiny teenager and i refuse to be a basket case.