Hi I am Adam here is my story.
Growing up I never really had a father or even father figure in my life which is pretty shitty but I am sure it happens to a lot of people. My mom and dad divorced before I can remember so it’s always been me my mom brother and sister. I was about 7 my brother 10 he had just broken his collar bone so his arm was in a sling we had bunk beds and I had top bunk I had jumped down and accidentally hit his arm which was an ACCIDENT but my dad being the piece of shit he was thought it was ok to abuse your 7yr old son punching me, Kicking me and threw me down 2 flights of steps later that night my sister told my mother and he was takin to court I did not speak to my father for 7 years I was very depressed all the time and contemplated sucide a lot
I had counseling twice a week and was on depression medicine for a long time. 14 years old we were involved in a major car accident I had half my foot ripped off and lost almost half my blood I remember everything that night almost died on the hospital stretcher not a lot of people know about this shitty part of my life for the next month and a half I lay in a hospital bed in a coma from losing so much blood I had 23 surgeries and months of rehab. All I wanted to do was die I was able to walk again and not have an amputation I am very lucky to be here and alive and walking. I had to walk with a boot on at all times and got made fun of a lot that made me want to end it all. Everything was running fine in my life little depression and little thought of suicide until December 20 2014 at about 11:30 am I got a call from my mother she had said my brother had been involved in a serious car accident and he had not made it my world came to an end my brother meant the world to me I couldn’t believe what I was hearing and the worst thing is I was 6 hours away when it happened my brother was my hero and role model he was always there for me when I needed help and guidance but bad decisions can have a bad out come he had been drinking at the bar with his friend and had no business driving he wrapped his friends car around a tree and was hit in the head by the car frame paralyzingly him my sister was the first on the scene he was still alive but trapped in the car by the time my mom arrived he had passes this ripped a big whole in all of our hearts he was the star of attention that had been taken away from us my niece faith was heart broken she was 4 years old and understood I was her only uncle now. In the time of tragedy I wanted to just kill my self so I could be with my brother yes it’s selfish but you do whatever for your loved ones. My mom is one strong lady to handle all of this that women is a fucking angel I love her to death after his passing I fell into a dark depression a lot of people don’t know how serious it actually is I out on a show every fucking day just to hide it I don’t want people know what that shit looks like it’s hurts just like watching the rain fall from the sky on a shitty day people don’t know how much it hurts at night when all my roommates went to bed I would sit outside and cry myself to sleep that’s the only way I could sleep if I got any. I was drinking a 1/5 of liquor everyday to myself to numb the pain I haven’t talked to anyone really about it because I don’t want them thinking I’m insane about the shit that goes through my head. I finally found a girl that I am in love with she is almost perfect but she doesn’t feel the same back it honestly kills me every time I look at her it just saddens me she doesn’t want anything but to do with me there is so much tension between us and she could care less. About a month ago I got into my car and had no intensions on returning I was going to run my car into a tree full speed and end my life and suffering I’m tired of feeling like I don’t belong like nobody gives a fuck it’s really old there is no point in life you get up go to school to get a better education to get a job to pay bills and then you fucking die nothing to look forward to nobody to spend it with. I am just tired of it all I don’t want to leave my sister mom and niece but I am tired of suffering I just want to dropout and skip town be homeless or something tired of the normal life I just want to fucking doe I would only be missed by a few I really need help but I don’t want to seek it in fear of being out in a mental hospital or being put on medicine. End suffering
2 comments
That’s some fucked up shit. … The accidents and your brother’s death are the fucked up parts. What’s going on in your head is normal considering what you have been through.
Not only are you depressed but you probably have PTSD. I guess you had shitty therapy, too. Somebody should have walked you through some steps to cope with this.
How are your mom and sister handling things? They are probably filled with as much grief as you. They are probably putting on a brave face to cover the pain, too.
Yeah, girls are going to have trouble relating to you while you drag around all this horrible baggage. Not your fault. Not theirs. This can change, but it’s going to take work, therapy, and time.
If your brother’s ghost could come visit you, what kind of things would he say?
I am hard pressed to imagine what it’s like to walk in your shoes.
I hope you find some peace somewhere somehow.
Sometimes a rehab center for depression and and meds aren’t so bad. I want to go, but my daughter is depressed as well, possibly borderline like me, and she may have to go soon. I can’t leave her.