you know, I spoke very prematurely when I came out of the psyche ward. In hindsight, all it did was trigger my desire to make friends. Once they all rejected me, it brought out my Borderline Personality Disorder (which was what I was diagnosed with in the ward). I have attachment and rejection issues. What a load of garbage. I wish they would have just sent me home the next day after my suicide attempt. I wasn’t suicidal a day after my attempt and I’m not suicidal now. If I would have just went home instead of going to the psyche ward, I’d be just as miserable today, probably even less so. I’m also really craving alcohol which I may or may not get today depending if my dad is up to partying. Dad tried calling me last night but the phone was off the hook. I wanna have a good time and forget about my pain.
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The way I see it I got 3 choices
1. Suffer mentally
2. Drink so I can feel some euphoria
3. Take xanex to feel nothing.
I had to choose door number 3
Other choices might include working with a therapist, establishing some long-term goals, and strategizing what it takes to get there. The more you ruminate on the contacts you had in the psych ward, the more you continue to hold yourself back.
You can’t control other people’s actions. Whether they acted selfish or not is beyond your control. What you can control is the direction you go from here. There will always be people who don’t meet your expectations. If you give yourself a chance, you might encounter people who pleasantly surprise you.
May I suggest another option, number 4? Walk, swim, or exercise yourself, until you cannot do it anymore? Alone, if necessary? Tire yourself out, into a stupor, and enjoy the buzz from it? I used to do that, with gardening, and have lost my physical strength so cannot do it like I used to.
On the weekends, I’ll pick a direction and just keep walking till my feet won’t move anymore (then take the subway home). It really is satisfying, getting rid of all your body’s energy through physical exertion. Grab your ipod and go; walk your metaphorical dog.