As of right now I list a lot of things that are going wrong with my life. I put in my two weeks at a job I hated and when I put in my two weeks they started telling me not to come in everyday so I’m getting no hours, I still haven’t found another job despite applying at tons of places and I’m financially screwed. I was forced to move back in with my family in order to get away from the latest in a string of abusive relationships. I owe my college over $3,500 for dropping out and can’t go back to school until I pay it off. I love the only guy I was ever in love with and the only time he speaks is to tell me that everyone is better off without me. I lost my best friend because of a stupid fight. About a month ago, I was in a bad car accident where the guy hit me going 75 mph and totaled my car. I paid for the car, but the car was in my dad’s name so he could pay for the insurance and tags and everything. The guy’s insurance had to pay for my, but since the car was in my dad’s name, he got the money. Today I found out he spent the money on his girlfriend and other stupid things. Then he told me I could use his old crappy car with a broken transmission and no air-conditioner so I’m stuck with that. Today I drove the cars 3 hours in over 100 degree weather to go get my horse ready to be picked up, so we could move him closer to me only to find out my dad decided he didn’t have to trailer down my horse today, so I had to drive another 3 hours back with no air-conditioner for no reason, because he “didn’t feel like it today”.
I know, probably have heard about some of this in my previous posts, but it just keeps piling up. I’ve never been a religious person, but I’ve praying for something good to happen to me just once. And I’ve always said “if nothing good happens by, (whatever random time) then I’m going to kill myself. I’ve been saying that since I was eleven, so I’ve been saying it for 8 years now. I’m so tired of things will get better, or you’ll get better, or thinking positive will make things better, or you have to make good things happen. Because I’ve been trying my whole life. I don’t isolate myself, I go out all the time. I’ve worked my ass off for years and moved out of my house when I was 16 so get away from abusive parents. I’ve worked so hard to build something, but it always gets ruined. I just think that if I were meant to live then something at least semi-decent would happen to me. I don’t want anything big, sometimes I base it off if someone says something kind to me that day. I just don’t think things were meant to work out for me. Some people don’t live to see old age, not everyone get to have a happy success life, not everyone gets to be important to someone and I’ve accepted that I’m not someone who gets to have those things, I just wish other people could too.
Sorry, I know all my posts are ridiculously long.
6 comments
Thanks for taking the time to share all of that. Quite a few people on SP look down on religion, and while I myself am not religious, I do see the value in it. I’d join a church if my social anxiety weren’t so off the charts. I don’t have the ability to believe in a god, but I’ve been to a few bible study groups and services (most of my family is uber religious) and the camaraderie felt when around church goers is almost instant. Maybe you should take your faith to the next level and get semi-serious about it. I wish I had the courage to talk to a pastor and confess my issues, so maybe doing something like that would make you feel better and give you hope. Despite all the science fiction in the bible, it’s got some really great lessons and have often found comfort in its words.
I’m really not a religious person, I don’t have a problem with it, but it’s just not really my thing. I think I use the “if I shouldn’t kill myself, make something good happen to me.” As a last ditch effort for me to find a reason to continue living, or as proof I should kill myself. I think it’s more out of desperation than spirituality.
I like long posts.
I’m sorry the car situation sucks. My car threw a rod on my birthday but it all worked out for the best.
What kind of horse? How many hands?
I prefer living in the city but it sucks not being able to ride.
I just moved to the city, but I’m boarding my horse. He’s a rescue so I don’t really know his breeding, they found him starving in a field and he was terrified of people and I spent the last three years breaking him. He’s a little over 15 hands.
I know the terminology but not the numbers. 15 is like really tiny, right? Yeah, like 5 foot? Poor thing!
I live near the Walking Horse Capital of the World, as they say. PETA’s been making trainers life hell and it’s good to see.
Good on you for taking in a rescue!
Yeah, 1 hand=4inches. They are measured from hoof to shoulder though. 15 is actually fairly average or slightly on the larger size depending on who you ask.