Another day, another excuse, and more depravity

This will be a long one seeing how this is the first time (and hopefully last) that I have done something like this. I suppose I shall start at the beginning, I have always been a loner even from birth it would seem, my mother used to tell me that even at a young age I would hardly play with my peers. Even into my adult years to this day I prefer to be alone, only getting enough human interaction to keep me sane. My father went into the military around the time that I was five and with being in the military comes the moves. Many of them in fact, which did not help my lone wolf nature. I tried not to get too attached to the friends I did make because as soon as I would it was time to move. I did let a few people in, but keeping in contact was tough, Facebook was nonexistent and myspace was still in its infancy. There is only one person that I made an effort to keep in contact with and have done so even to this day, I consider him a brother and I love him (platonic). It was around the time of the last move with my father that I started to think of death and the futility of my own existence. I was 17 or so, so I thought this was normal. Even with my now pessimistic view on life I met my wife to be. We eventually got married and things were looking okay. I was in college and she was working. I still had not lost those feelings of depression even with my wife. I eventually got the crazy idea to join the service of which she was not too happy about, but like a good life partner she stood by me. I left for boot camp around the holidays so I missed our first Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. It was tough but her letters kept me going. We eventually went to my first duty station together and things were good, for a little bit. My hectic work schedule and her demanding college courses dictated the lack of time we spent together. Soon work started to get to me and I started to think of suicide more. I then looked for coping methods and turned towards the debauchery of easy women. It ruined my marriage, I ruined my marriage. I have no one to blame but myself. I have been diagnosed with depression, but I military denies that I have it even though I was diagnosed by them. I have had my perfect plan for months now, and every time I get close to doing it I make an excuse. My curiosity keeps me here, but I no longer want to be here. I don’t feel any strong emotion besides lust and anger. I went to a memorial service for a fellow service member that passed and I felt nothing. My ex wife still tells me she loves me, nothing. My father tells me he loves me, nothing. It is all just meaningless words. I was supposed to “terminate my policy” today but like usual I made an excuse and am not going to do it. Hell I have said it and talked about it so much my ex wife doesn’t even care anymore and going back to the psy ward would do nothing. Friedrich Nietzsche said “And if thou gaze long into an abyss, the abyss will also gaze into thee.” I have looked too long at death and now it is only a matter of time before it consumes me whole.