Psych class was pretty amazing. Learned that I’ve been having panic attacks and that it’s a thing that’s gonna keep appearing so I’m definitely going to talk to my psychologist about it and see what he has to say about that.
It’s very difficult to share something I enjoy with my family, especially with my mom. I try to tell her about how class went and what I learned and keep her informed that more stuff will keep pilling up with my depression … “You can change it, yeah it’s chemical reactions and all but you are able to control your thoughts and everything else that happens, blah blah blah…” … That was our conversation from school to work … The whole way there. She thinks she knows what it’s like and what happens and the treatments and everything, and makes me bang my head on the wall as she keeps talking because she has no idea. She kept talking about how people like me with depression are just stuck in a closed up ball and never want to leave that ball because we seek compassion from others, because that’s easier than dealing with life … I was just about to shoot myself then. It’s been almost 10 months since she learned I have severe depression and she just acts like everything’s in my head. I understand that she doesn’t know, but most of the times she makes comments that I just … ughhhh but don’t you dare tell her it’s wrong or that’s not really how it goes because then it’s another topic for the next 5 hours.
Let’s not talk about me trying to convince her to let me drop my Comm class… “I’m sick and tired of having to pay for school and for another year when you could finish soon! Why don’t you make an effort to actually do well in your classes???” … It makes me really want to cry … I haven’t had a good cry for quite a while now and today is one of those days that I just want to cry myself to sleep.
I don’t know what to do with my life anymore. I don’t want to keep going to school, because I’m not mentally and emotionally motivated to do any of those things. But of course I can’t just drop out of school because OMG HOW DARE I NOT CARE ABOUT MY PARENTS’ MONEY AND ALL THEY’VE DONE FOR ME …. It’s been really difficult lately and I don’t know what to do. I just don’t know.
Ps. Lying has become easier and easier, once again. I’m going back to my old habits.
7 comments
Your Mom probably does have an idea of what you are going through, she’s just bad at expressing it. Plus, most EVERYONE thinks that when you talk about your problems they supposed to FIX IT, but what you really need is for them to shut up and LISTEN.
This has been going on between parents and kids for thousands of years. People have written a million books about it. There were 17.6 made for TV movies about this last year alone.
I recommend for you to keep lying, but never, ever to your therapist. It’s their job to be on your side no matter what. Maybe your mom and your therapist can have a little talk and she can get the help she needs. 😉
Yes, your are powerless when it comes to school. Sorry. Either come up with a super compelling argument to change things or buckle down and fake it. I know this is not helpful. I know because my son said, “this is not fucking helpful,” when I told him the same thing 5 years ago.
Have a good cry. I had a good cry last weekend when I was thinking about my dead mom, my living son, my dying dad, and the metric shitton of suicide notes I need to write.
That’s one good thing about school. I learned how to write a beautiful suicide note.
high or middle school? they both suck. its hard. im in that position right now. no one understands it! just have to go through it with your time
Actually college lol
Your mother cares for you. She may just be blocking out your pain as to not putting pain on herself. Reasons why she talks about school so openly, because it’s something she sees as good, that can make you get back to normal. It seems like your going to school to make them happy. What other lies are you telling? What have you done recently for yourself and not for others? The comment about your in a ball and seeking comfort made me laugh. Hell I haven’t even been able to tell a single soul my inner thoughts. If my coworkers ask what’s wrong I give the easiest answer. I’m not looking for compassion. i just want my life back to normal.
I totally understand that too, I know she probably deals with me having depression in some other way and I totally understand it. Of course .. School is good and I know that lol I even want a Ph.D on Psychology .. If it ever happens and it is quite right, I only go to school to make them happy because I’ve always felt a comparison with my sister and I. My sister has always had excellent grades and me . just mediocre grades. What lies haven’t I said? I lied about not having class, about taking my pills, about money in my account, about work… etc, etc. And I’m with you, when she was explaining the whole ball thing I was about to laugh so hard but I had to hold it in.
My mom is the same way She thinks people can just snap out of a mental illness if they really wanted to. If you need to, check yourself into a hospital or rehab center for mental illness and deal with the consequences later. It is your health you are talking about. Your future. Your well-being. Most places to talk to family as well to help them understand what is going on. They also give you help coping with your mom and family and school and also help you learn to stand up for yourself and express yourself to others. Good luck.
Thank you, I really appreciate the help. I’m actually pondering about checking myself into a rehab center soon and like you said just deal with everything after I’m better or at least know how to deal with stuff.