i remember in school, I had a couple times when girls pretended to like me and than made fun of me with there friends the next day. I remember this one was wanting to meet me at the park. Ha never happened.
The reason I brought this up is because that’s exactly what happened to me yesterday but over the fn Internet. I just wanna get all these memories out of my head. One tragedy always leads to existential breakdowns with me. Alcohol, pills, there only temporary. Death is forever.
I hate roller coasters…..the rides and the emotional ones. I want this fucking shit to just stop. I’m sick and tired of it. Why do people always have to be cruel to the nice guy?
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Yes horrible flashbacks that are so intense I throw up and get dizzy and sometimes cry uncontrollably.
I cry too sometimes….other times I can’t. It’s insane.
I’ve had the same shit happen to me all through school. Always the joke for guys to say this guy or that guy likes you with everyone around laughing. Though I got beat up and jumped all the time in school and rocks thrown at me outside. I grew up covered in bruises from kids at school, never once got hit at home. It was all from school. I’ve always been considered ugly and beyond hideous.
The memory that i am still alive, i just want it to go away, of course it will only go away if i am finally dead!
your really nice and kind and society treats you like shit. And lots here are intelligent as well, and you are intelligent, but society treated them like shit as well..
the real intelligent people are on SP. Intelligent people are NOT: doctors, lawyers, university lecturers, all these prestigious jobs and shit. People making vaccines to cure disease but uhhhh are we working on fixing this natural selection uncivilized bullshit? NOOOOOOOOOO.
Hollywood wont stop putting out puppets who were brainwashed to control society with stupid loose morals and crap. Even simple billboard ads are brainwashing us. Lots of things are.
Gun lobby, anti gun lobby ping pong ball don’t fix shit!!!!!!
I got bullied in school alot, i never really had any friends. I never fit in. Verbally abused, racism, one year i was sexually abused by a girl one year older than me… School was shit
It seems like suicidal people are usually unhappy.
Just once I’d like to read a post on here from someone who wants to die because they’re so overjoyed with life.
Bang my head against the wall? No, I’d rather explode my head if I could. I’m always haunted by my memories.
I had similar things happen to me in high school…people pretending to like me just to mess with me. Even girls in a store once shoved one of their friends at me when I was 15 or 16 and the one who got pushed into me just said “eww” and I heard the word “ugly” as they walked away laughing.
I’m the nice guy people will turn to and say they wish their boyfriends were more like, but not the kind of person anyone wants. And even when I’m everything they do want, I’m still not worth it.
The years of being ridiculed and being messed with like that are long behind me it seems as most people seem to be more considerate, but now I’m just mainly either ignored or too quiet and awkward to make myself noticeable or interesting in any way. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve heard the word “uncomfortable”. I’d almost prefer the ridicule. At least it would feel like it was just people being cruel instead of feeling like it was something inherently in me that makes me so undesirable and not worth the effort to be patient with until I am less awkward.
Actually i banged my head against the wall several times when i was younger just to deal with things and avoid to take it against others. I remember once i broke a home phone with my head. Had to stop when i realized there was a pretty big chance of getting some sort or permanent damage, but i still feel the need once in a while (but i just do something less dangerous, like pinching myself or something like that)
Usually it’s not so much memories as right now… Nothing terrible has ever happened to me bar depression, panic and the last year ME. They’re always inside me, although I would take almost anything instead of the depression I used to have. For the past couple of months I’ve wished so strongly that I could forget some things a guy I used to talk to online said to me. The only ways I could find were death and self harm, neither of which I tried to do. And every day his memory wakes up with me. Last night I dreamt about him. Tonight I can’t sleep, partly because I can’t stop thinking about the bad times (and partly because my muscles are aching so much). I would love to never think about it again. No more guilt, pain, paranoia, missing him, sometimes almost hating him, trust issues, love, devotion, sex, regret, questioning yourself, none of it. My mind has no imagination… I’ll think about something else for a while but it always comes back to this.
I hear you wndozh8er. I wasn’t ever teased by girls but I did get turned down a number of times. A child’s ego is a pretty fragile thing-if you get positive reinforcement, you grow confident, if you get negative-then you grow more insecure, unsure and lack confidence-which feeds into that cycle.
I remember back in grade 8, there was this one nice looking black guy all the girls were into. I’m tanned (Indian). He was around my height, confident, funny and charming. There was this beautiful girl I really liked who was ga-ga over him, I couldn’t understand it. I had similar qualities, was athletic as well as being an over-achiever academically but I was invisible and this guy had girls all over the school falling for him. I think he might’ve been on a school sports team and that might’ve helped his rep.
Then I realized it’s simply about race and socialization. Black people excelled in sports, music, they’re in the mainstream media, etc and they’re considered to be ‘cool’/trendsetters, so on. What are Indians known for (esp. back then), aside from racist stereotypes-so the deck was heavily stacked against me to begin with.
Anyhow (I’m in a very racially diverse city in Canada) so as I got older, I grew more confident, generally did ok with girls in high school-but it was only when I hit my 20s that things got much better for me in terms of dating…but it didn’t last long, it was hard to date also because I was very driven/didn’t have much time for anything else and I trying to get a great career together but that blew up in my face, so I’m left with next to nothing…except wanting to die.
I think of parents being like the ‘cruise ship’ travel agents of life. They throw you into the world and fill you with a lot of hope and false promises of how great your life will be, all with smiles and great fanfare-then when you’re on the cruise, you get food poisoning, the rocking boat makes you sea-sick, most other people on the boat are old, fat and ugly-the young hot ones stick together and they aren’t interested in you, you want off the boat-but continue to float around in misery because you’re too afraid to jump into the shark-infested oceans.
Yes I have bad memories that come back to me an haunt me. Luckily I am old enough to deal with it by now but still sometimes the flashbacks send me into depression and anxiety… but I deal with it somehow and I can say Its not as bad as it used to be. Thanks for your post its *** for people to vent sometimes by talking about things.
I feel for you man I have serious mental problems in this area even though I’m almost done with this hell I have very real and vivid flashbacks to being abused probably because I’ve done a lot of drugs that cause hallucinations but any way it gets really bad and its basically like I’m reliving the moment and it makes me just really pissed off one time I almost attacked my dad because of it
I’m completely with you on the roller coaster part. One day feeling better, having a bit of hope, the next day massive anxiety two days later feeling better then again anxiety… So draining.