Since I was 12 or 13 (over half my life ago), my mind has been consumed to an ever increasing extent by longing. By lust. Though I like to tell myself it’s love – that it’s somehow special.
Behind all my other thoughts is the constant desire to be with whoever I’m most attracted to at the time. Not to be in a real relationship, but to be with the idealised version of them that I’ve created in my head.
This is obviously pretty destructive, since it identifies meaning and happiness with a virtually impossible ideal. But I don’t feel like I can let it go. Something deep inside me feels that it is just so right. That whichever woman I happen to be attracted to at the time is the only real source of goodness in the universe, and that if I can only find some way to be worthy of her, everything will be ok.
Nevermind if she has a long-term partner. Or is several years younger (or older) than me. That we have nothing whatsoever in common. That she’s miles out of my league (as if I had a league.) That I have nothing whatsoever to offer anyone, and can barely keep myself alive.
All it takes is a smile, and my rationality vanishes. My mind spirals off into imagined bliss. It’s pathetic.
My fantasies are all I have. I torment myself with them, but if I give them up entirely, then life seems utterly empty.
2 comments
Youth is shallow. In fact they have a word for it: callow. Just like everything you can choose to lean into it or not.
Be worthy of yourself and being worthy of her will be irrelevant.
Fantasies are a roadmap, but if you don’t travel down the road you’ll never see the reality if them.
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Anything advertised as “this one weird trick,” are neither weird not a trick.
The only people that look good in rainbow suspenders are the ones that don’t wear rainbow suspenders.
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You are attempting to get rid of the hardship in your life by looking to a woman; obviously that isn’t shallow. Our logical minds are constantly trying to sniff around in search of true salvation. As a man, it is reasonable to look around and think that our lack of intimacy and real connection are the reason for the dark void. Well, in many cases simply creating relationships for the sake of patching up our deep-seated wounds, is only bound to make things worse. A lot of women are looking for a strong secure man, and many are not going to assume the kind nurturing roles that our mothers have. What you need primarily is to form solid friendships, where you can develop your character adequately, get some grounding on the mechanics of life, and develop a powerful mindset that helps you charge forward.
You should most definitely go after people you’re attracted to. I admire the confidence you’ve shown in asserting what you find beautiful and disregarding what other people think. There are pheromones that we release around the opposite sex that stimulates them sexually and theirs can do the same for us. This is how attraction can be quantified at the chemical level; now that’s explosive.
You shouldn’t be satisfied in finding the ideal woman. The ideal woman has several qualities that have been perfected in her, and it might not be as satisfying being with someone who is a steady rock and doesn’t budge easily spiritually. Better to be with someone who is on the same spiritual plane as you, as you can unite in spiritual evolution through your relationship. Funny isn’t it? Women often go for guy who needs work, perhaps for this very reason. When you make this your aim, you are more aligned with the true meaning of love, which is to monitor and promote the spiritual growth in another.
You are very close to finding the true meaning of life when you look towards a relationship and that is love. I always avoided this truth because love is a mushy concept and seems to lack philosophical strength, but let me tell you, it is the most profound truth you will find on this earth. Love will keep you alive when you’re body is screaming for you to call it quits and is an expansive force that spreads like wildfire. Never be compelled by the deceits evil. Evil can only break down what good builds up, and as a long-term prospect it is utterly bankrupt. Hate is a destructive force that has no room for growth, love is a progressive mission whose appeal is universally compelling.
Drop your limits on what you expect your best life is supposed to look like. Let life happen and throw opportunities your way as you go along. I’ve said in another post that life really shouldn’t be that entertaining for most people and the best we can expect is to take pleasure in the small things. All consuming and intellectually stimulating passion only comes around every so often, and this shouldn’t be a reasonable expectation on living a life. Therefore, enjoy the get-togethers with your friends, the ice cream parlours whenever you get the chance and make a point of visiting your state and local parks.