Help Me!!!

About 8 or 9 months ago i knew someone and i really started to like her (She is from another country very far from mine), that really changed me to a better person, but more depressive either, i’m a 18 years guy, ugly, boring and depressive, never had any girlfriend in my life, no one loves me, and i’m not being exaggerated, my mom don’t give shit about me and my father is a drug addicted since he had 13 years old, i grew up alone, without friends and without importance to nobody, so for a long time i dedicated my life to studies, i saw all those people having a girlfriend, a family, they aren’t ugly and boring like me and was planning joining the military, with hope i may destroy people’s lifes for some kind of revenge for being unwanted, rejected, and all that changed those 8/9 months ago when i knew her. She tried to help me and didn’t left me alone, i thought that my life was about to change finally, but i guess was hopeless since the first day, about 1 month back i told i love her, she said that’t she still sad and didn’t wanted to be hurt again, so she don’t want nobody for at least sometime, that was such a fatal blow on my head, since i told i love her i’ve felt she started to give me less importance and not talk so openly with me (Could be just my paranoia and impression too), Since then i started to plan my death, tried 2 times and failed both, i don’t want to die fast or in a painful way, i have a gun here but i’m really a coward and i am to scared of dying and the pain, the gun is not to much reliable (It’s a .32 Long CTG Smith & Wesson). I also don’t get out of my room since the christmas of 2014 and i don’t feel any motivation for doing so. I can’t stand this loneliness anymore, i feel hopeless that one day she gonna love me as well, maybe you thinking now and may say that is better be alone than be in a relationship and feel depressive or get disappointed later, or you may be thinking as well that i got a whole life ahead, and my answer is, i’m sure that i’m not gonna be disappointed later on and it’s a terrible sorrow being alone your entire life, also i don’t wanna have a full life ahead if this don’t work out for me, PLEASE HELP ME, if you can’t help on giving me hope, please help me to overcome the fear of death so i can’t blow my head and kill myself, if you read it all this much thank you, and forgive my bad english, cause is not my native language.