I get told quite often that I’m a humble man. I’m only 20, but maybe this rings true to my personality. Why though? I think it’s because of all the shit that’s been thrown at me for as far back as I can remember. All the bullying, all the death and loss, all the yelling. I always wanted it to go away, to end and never once start up again. A futile request…I know.
But I think that is what has made me humble. Because I can’t care anymore. No matter how much I try to muster up an ounce of fucks to give about anything that anyone says or does, I can’t find it in me to care about it. My mind has so many untreated wounds that I keep thinking one day it will just fall apart…and soon the caring won’t be the only thing lost. I’ll be so numb I can’t feel anything. Love, happiness, sadness, anger, hatred, content…it will all be gone. I’ll want to look out my window and see the world, but I’ll have witnessed too many fucked up events and moments in my life that I’ll only see white and black. I won’t hear the screaming, or any of the names I’ve had to endure over my life; Freak, Retard, Little *****. Those will all be gone and I’ll only hear my music at night.
All these things combined make me the humble man that I am and it makes perfect sense now why I would carry that sort of reputation around with me. I like it, but I know it will be my downfall. Does anyone else feel this way too? Do you have a certain characteristic that has been shaped by all the shit you have had to endure over the course of your life? I know I’m not the only one…or am I???
7 comments
I know you’re not the only one here to feel like that. I think in my case depression and anxiety have made me a different person. Less driven, more humble, less confident. I think I’d have become more humble over time anyway, but for me that’s one of the few positive changes.
I’ve also had times where I just can’t care anymore, and I still feel like that a lot. But even when I can’t care and I’m just numb to the world, there’s still a part of me in pain and a part of me that cares about not being able to care. Do you get that part of it too?
I understand exactly where you’re coming from. I want to say that it’s like a sub conscious coping mechanism when I shut out everything. But I feel the guilt deep down. That guilt makes me wish that it never had to get to the point of not being able to care. But it saves me from being involved in ever more shit that I can’t afford to be a part of anymore. Caring about not caring, it’s a wonderful twist in its own way. But at the end of the day that’s what makes people notice us. Because even at the point of not caring about anything, we still WANT to. We still have that overwhelming desire to be the one person everyone can count on, even if that means we are broken in the end. @Trix
I think it’s definitely a coping mechanism. Like your brain is trying to lock out the things that are hardest to deal with.
Exactly… you phrased it perfectly.
You’re definitely not the only one. My mom and stepfather raised me to be a doormat, to be ashamed of myself and to quietly accept whatever they said so I’m probably seen as humble due to my childhood and early teens. Two days ago someone told me I’m a “saint”… I felt really happy when I heard that… but I always wonder if I’m a good person because I was conditioned to be one.
PS. I like to think that I would be a “good” person anyways… Maybe just my behavior would be different and I would stand up for myself a little more when needed. But low self-esteem, guilt and lack of confidence came from them.
I can definitely equal with you. Your childhood seems a lot like mine. I eventually broke away from the spitting image of society that my parents always wanted me to be a part of. They accept me of course, but It’s not like I can’t see it in their faces that they constantly wish I would have just grown up the way they wanted me to be. I don’t walk around looking like a slums thug but I sure as shit don’t dress like a million dollars. I would say (in response to you being conditioned to be good) that we all eventually become who we want/need to be for not only our families but ourselves. It’s probably got a lot to do with how you were raised, but ultimately you are still going about life being someone that people recognize as a saint. That in itself is a very personal accomplishment. Not many people these days have the ability to continue their paths remaining true to the cause of being a consistently decent human being. You either get sucked into the corporate way of life (wearing thousand dollar suits and getting to flaunt your wealth in front of the not-so-fortunate) or you struggle and get stepped on till you break and become part of the underground (the place you become a true outsider and have to rob your way into a meaningless existence.) You are very fortunate to have held onto your good side. Keep it that way, and let’s hope people open their eyes and begin to follow us some day =] @Tristeza
Thank you, Rory. You’re completely right ^^