No one listens to anyone anymore, sure they hear so that they are able to grasp a rough idea of what goes on in their environment but no one actually takes the time to truly listen. To do more than observe a situation but to try to grasp how it must be to be within that environment and try to envisage the emotions that might be evoked so as to truly understand the complexities of what goes on in the world. Nothing is just black or white, we are all contrasting shades of grey. That’s one of my biggest problems I guess, I feel as if my voice has drained out from all those who choose to blatantly ignore me and even worse by the few who choose to “hear” me. No one is ever trying to actually listen, too busy trying to shut me down to get their stories out so that I will listen. However when I need reciprocation of that same time and devotion for someone else to listen to me, I receive none. I am a seed of the dandelion flower that was blown, disappearing into air, and due to wind never settled. I find no solace anywhere and so in the compass of my heart there is no true north for me to call home. I’m just so lost in my life and this feeling makes me fall deeper within the depths of my depression, making me hopeless.
Why can’t my life be as beautiful as the ones I ruined once we’re? I walk alone and there is nothing I can do about it. Yes, I’ve tried and there are no options. I’m still as indecisive and fed up as I was 4 days ago. 4 days ago, I don’t even know what I miss out on. If I had what I want, “BANG!!!” is the last thing I would hear. But one thing I can’t figure out is why I have to bear the very pain and agony I have suffered. Why I have to watch everyone be happy as possible and I’m still sinking. Why I can’t just escape this hell I created. Why everyone and everything I loved had to go. Why? Why? WHY ME?! I have no idea. My sentence began before I even committed the crime. If anyone reads this, just know I would give my life that one day I seem to always mention in these posts. I can’t stop thinking about it. About her.
Stayed up all night long writing this.
I had an ocean of black coffee yesterday, plus I probably took more Tramadol than I should have (yeah, I know. I know).
So as long as I was in that weird kind of headspace, I decided to write some music, just to hear what that part of my brain sounds like.
Apparently it sounds like a snake charmer had a drunken affair with a nervous kangaroo.
After a month, I was able to hear her voice. I spoke with my daughter. I told her that I love her and miss her. She said that she can’t wait to see me. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that I won’t be here anymore.
I haven’t seen her in 4 months. After a 30 minute conversation with her, my level of joy and relief was overpowered by the truth. I will never be good enough to be in her life or to be with her mother. I have no other known idea than to give up.
I have never once given up on anything that I have believed in. I believe in love, truth, trust and reality.
The reality of this truth is that she doesn’t want or trust the real undying love that I have for her.
I HAVE TO GIVE UP. Otherise more lives than my own will be destroyed beyond repair.
my family spent so many years not talking about our fucking problems. and now my siblings are like “we are talking to our parents about are problems so we can get them fixed” and then i get included into the conversation and get to hear about their depression and their mental problems and then i get praised for being the one child without problems. can we just go back to not talking? i dont want to be the mentally sane child that apparently has no problems. i need to get the fuck out of here.
I don’t know what to do
I don’t know what to say
I don’t know what to hear
Knowing is what I am looking for.
Knowledge is both beautiful and tragic.
Beautiful because there is nothing better than being aware
Tragic, because once aware, can never go back to unknown.
Once you see it, it’s difficult to forget.
I don’t know why I keep trusting people. I just feel like people don’t care. I told a ‘friend’ of mine what was going on with me and he was going through the same thing and I thought that this time its gonna be different. I didn’t even feel awkward or angry about people invading my private and emotional side. I really don’t know why I expected something different this time. No one really cares and I think he’s just like the rest of the people. Just hangs around you when he wants and leaves you hanging when you thought you were friends.
I was smart for not telling everything. I’ve been betrayed way too many times to let that happen again. But the difference was that he’s actually going through what I’m going through. I know I’ve probably also betrayed his trust too so I guess its pay back. I deserve it.
But it felt really good to say things that I’ve never said before and good to hear that I’m not the only one. I know he probably doesn’t care but I just wanna talk to someone like that again. You know, without being scared of being judged.
this has been the most emotionally exhausting day of my entire godforsaken existence. I don’t know what to do or think anymore, I’m just crying and crying. I’ve got the absolute worst headache from having 5 hours of sleep and 4 hours of crying. This just fucking sucks ass.
I had to call my mother and tell her I’m self-harming. She says she thought I was the one thing she got right in her life, but apparently I’m not. So, great. Fan-fucking-tastic. I have ruined my mother’s life and all this without her even knowing I’m suicidal. she asked why I would even tell her if there wasn’t anything I wanted her to do and since as far as she knows this phone call was my idea, I said what the counselor said, which is just that as a mother it was the kind of thing she would want to know.
She is so disappointed in me. I can hear it in her voice. I ruin everything. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.
With those judgey eyes
they try to stare into our minds
but they never get past our
They only believe what they
see and hear.
Anymore would take too much
Instead of talking with calmness
they simply yell with frustration.
If they actually listened, understood
we wouldn’t be like this.
Their blinded ‘perfection’ constantly
crushes our sad reality.
We are shattered
and they still hold the hammer.
Someone. Anyone. Please. I just can’t do it anymore. I can’t handle the noise. I can’t handle the pressure. Fake smiles. Teary eyes. Mirrors that hide the truth. No one to talk to.
Do any of us on this site even deserve what’s being handed to us? We don’t get a choice in how our life becomes, so why do we have to be the unlucky bunch? I don’t understand. I look at people and see, hear, even feel others’ happiness. Why do we have to the odd ones out? What did we do?
My depression use to consume me, lately I just get days where ill hide away hopeless and miserable, other days ill feel ok and get on with life depending on how im distracting myself. Sometimes I question if im depressed or mentally ill, I do things people dont ordinarily do and hear voices. Im trying to be more positive for my boyfriend as he’s put up with so much for no reason other than he loves me, I want to change and be what he deserves, but its so hard trying to be happy and stay positive when things are happening to you that you know don’t happen to everyone.. and the only people you hear it happening too are people in white padded rooms. Im scaring myself, I hate the urges I get and voices I can hear. Am I only hearing these voices because im telling myself im that upset though? And giving into these urges because its easier than fighting it? I want to love myself so much i never wanna hurt myself again or put all my problems on my boyfriend who doesnt deserve what i put him through. Its my life, my problems, my issue im so insecure and down. How do you start to love yourself and be happy with who you are and what you look like? One thing I have figured out, venting my feelings on here is a massive release
Well hey lovely people of suicide Project. I haven’t been here in awhile if you have noticed if any of you know who I am.
So awhile back I made a post about I Dye my hair. Its my self distraction from self harm. People seemed to like that so I think I’m going to make a journal hopefully everyday or maybe a cpl days or once a week in not sure yet. But I’m here for all of you. I wont judge because everyone needs a friend and you shouldn’t feel alone. So if I make a journal for you guys it’ll be self distractions vs self harm. I’ll so some of my own problems and let you guys know I’m here and your not the only one out there. I don’t care if you think its something time and no one wants to hear you. I want to hear you and I want to help you okay. I’ll be here Just tell me what’s going on ill give the best advice again or just listen if that’s all you want. I promise I’m here for you give me a chance . I love you all even though i don’t know you but we all are on this site for a reason right. I’m nit going to let go to waste. Sorry for this being so long but its worth it and so are you. Yes You! ALL OF YOU AND I LIVE ALL OF YOU.
My name is Ashaia you can call me Shai and ill leave my kik if you want more of a connection thank you for reading lovely ?
love you ??
Had to ditch visiting my mum today cos I cant leave the house. Shes going thru a rough time but I still cant help her. Now im sitting hear hating myself, racked with guilt. The spiral begins. Been repeating this pattern for sooo long!!
she’s hurt and lost
crippled by all the pain she feels everyday
shes trapped and the doors are locked
there’s no one to help her
to hear her screams
to hear her drowning in her own blood
to hear she wants to leave this world
just to be heard by someone would give her hope back
but she’s empty
lost, lonley and dying
all she asks for is to be gone and never return
to leave all her crap behide
to leave the nobody she has behide
to just leave this useless place
Little angel go away and come again some other day,
The devil has my ear today I’ll never hear a word u say,
He promised I would find a little solace and some peace of mind whatever … just as long as I dont feel so,
Desperate and ravenous
So weak and powerless.
It’s that time of night again, when I am wide awake and all the rest of you are asleep.
SP is so quiet I can hear the sound of my disturbing thoughts rattling around like a tin can in a dark alley. The alley everyone knows you need to stay away from if you value your safety.
So many of us have been gone lately.
I miss AlanOminous, I miss ToTrees, I miss Mf.
I miss those of us who have gone, possibly gone forever.
And I wonder how much longer I can hang on before I join them, wherever they are.
(*throws post into the empty dark alley, where the clatter grows fainter as everyone remains asleep*)
has become more complicated. Face-to-face communication used to be vital, but now we can live our lives being online all day.
However, the truth of the matter is, we still need to see each other’s faces, read their expressions, hear their voices, so we can fully understand their emotions.