Lately, I’m always in tears when I’m alone. I’m stressed and always nervous. I’m only 13 years old, turning 14 next week. My dad gambles and hides his money and refuses to get a better job. He tells my mom to get one. My mom is always cleaning and cooking and her left hand is barely moveable now. My brother has a job, but he doesn’t work hard anymore. His dream is to be a personal trainer. But I wonder if he’s given up that dream. He’s always gaming and talking to his new girlfriend who’s all the way in LA. He should be able to do what he wants, but he isn’t doing anything that’s making our family happier. I want to help. I want a job. I’m too young. My mom wants me to study hard and follow my dream, to be a psychiatrist. But I haven’t been doing well in school anymore. I’m a straight A student who can easily catch on to new work. I’m always tired in class and I have trouble staying awake. I feel as though the close friend I hang out with right now doesn’t think I matter. I have no one. I feel as though my friends don’t listen to me or try to understand me. I want to talk to my family but they’ll tell me to brush it off. I hate seeing my mom depressed. I think I failed my bio test. Yes, I know, an F may not be a lot to you, but it’s a lot to me. I want to disappear. Not die. But I want to vanish into thin air. Getting out of bed was the easiest thing to do for me. Talking with a clear voice was easy too. Now, everything’s so difficult. I can’t handle kumon, Chinese school, high school, school clubs, distant friendships, and my family problems all at once. I don’t know what my point and reason for living is anymore. My dream to be a psychiatrist is fading away. My happiness is pretty close to dying out. I can still smile and laugh, but it’s only effective for such a short amount of time.
I want to be alone, but at the same time, my biggest fear is being alone. Lonely. With no one who cares for me. I can’t keep up a fake smile and a fake personality forever. I feel numb and my eyes are dry and swollen from crying. My head hurts, my stomach flutters with butterflies, and not the good kind. Is this depression?
1 comment
It’s anxiety for sure. Depression maybe.
You can’t change so many things about your family and the way they interact with the world, so you are going to have to practice letting go of that worry.
You may have to give up on some of the school extracurricular activities. Keep your eyes on the goal of being an attractive pre-med candidate.
I know about wanting to vanish. I really do.
If your school is sophisticated enough to have a decent student counseling program then use it. It is a tool that might help.
Love your family. Understand their limitations. Have empathy about their struggles. Keep in mind that because they are walking in darkness doesn’t mean you have to, too.