With All of My Love………………….
Its better this way, it really is. I don’t think I will ever be able to explain how pain filled, lonely and useless I have been for so many years. Living is a complete hell for me.
No one I know would wish such pain on an animal they love and, would indeed, put the poor thing out of its misery. It would be selfish to compel it to go on living. If any of you ever have to experience this deep misery, you may, at last understand it takes courage to go against the natural inclination to live and thrive. The selfishness is upon those who refuse to let someone like me go as I choose, by playing a guilt card.
To those I have harmed or hurt, I would take all of your suffering with me, if it would do any good. You must make your own peace with God as I must. I believe I will spend some time among the healing angels, repairing my soul and achieving understanding of what my life has been and what it has meant. And then I will be free, truly free, and with those who have gone before me. My God is all love.
In truth, there is really not anything about this world, society and life that holds any attraction for me. In fact it repels me. I cannot abide the hate, fear, intolerance, greed and oppression humans inflict on each other. I really and truly cannot bear it any longer.
There really isn’t anything anyone could have done to prevent this. No one is at fault. I know there are some who just don’t understand. I pray God gives them the gift of clarity when I am gone.
So remember, as strange as it may sound at first, this is really a gift of love. No one will ever need to worry about me again. That is a burden now relieved.
Peace and prayers……………………………
10 comments
I won’t bother with the sob story about how you shouldn’t do it and that there’s too much to live for. I know that your mind is made up. I read through the whole thing. I can feel the pain, the loneliness, the helplessness. I also feel these things. They no longer feel out of place, as if such feelings don’t belong. Instead they are familiar and ring true when I think deeply about them. I feel it too. I cannot speak for your experiences, as I may not have had to endure the things you have. But I have endured enough to understand you. I have endured enough to know what it feels like to be instinctively backwards, to the point where life is not important anymore. It is not “what keeps me going”. Instead it is what drives me to end the suffering. I just want to tell you that I hope wherever it takes you, be it a place of peace or simply just non-existence. I wish you the best of luck beyond this life, this world. And you have my respect for doing this out of love. Take some time to remember the good times you may or may not have had before you go. It’s not to make you rethink your decision. Just a reassurance that your last thoughts are of the good times. Should you decide that this is not the end, I wish you well on whatever you may go on to do. I know that if it were me, I’d want someone to tell me the same thing. But I do not have anyone to tell me that, for none of the people I know would understand that. Go in peace my friend.
I’ve thought about leaving a goodbye letter, but I think I’ll leave behind gift certificates to the Outback Steakhouse instead. Or maybe Dave & Buster’s gift certificates. That way people can shoot pool and drink beer instead of wondering why I killed myself. Seems less dramatic, ya know? Kinda classy, too. Who doesn’t like drinking beer and shooting pool?
Morris that is a very cool idea.
I’ll leave behind unpaid bills, so they are so upset about having to pay them, that they won’t grieve for me at all 😀
Its terrible how much some of us suffer – I understand your suffering – I really do – is there some part of you that can hold on to that? The fact that you are not alone in your sorrow? Could that help you to hold on? I’m so very sorry for all the pain you are going through – and though I do not know you – my spirit does. I pray that you find peace without leaving this earth just now. I am here if you want to talk – but regardless, I am praying for you.
I understand completely what you are saying and it is your choice, so i really hope you find peace in whatever you end up doing. Thanks for sharing this with us.
No one should have to be alone. This saddens me. There was another on this site. They lived in the California area as welll. I even went out to them. They still chose to make the choice of leaving. I respect ones right to make that choice. I wish I could be out there with you no matter what you choose. But it got me tied up legally before. Thankfully nothing came of it. Hopefully it won’t surface again. It’s really messed up how you can’t be with someone and they are forced to be alone on something like this. I am with you in prayers and thoughts though no matter what. I support you no matter what you choose to do. Thank you Jay for your words before and the time you took to speak with me before. You are truly a great person and a loving person and that is how I will certainly always remember you.
I thank you all, so much, for your comments. As my dearly departed grandmother from Kentucky would say, “I am plain tuckered out!”
I don’t know if I will have the strength and courage to go through with this next week. I still have to get everything witnessed and notarized and I will leave a mess for someone else to clean up, legally. If everything had been in place and ready to go last night………………….
Justin….I received your email at my personal email address. Thank you for all you wrote, it was incredibly kind and caring . I will be in touch. I feel, suddenly, as if I am not as alone as my mind sometimes tells me.
I’ve read your story for so long. And I always say the same….i hope you find a reason to go on. I still hope that. I hate seeing the pain you’re in. I may not believe in god but I hope your belief brings you comfort. Hugs.
You are one of my favorite persons here on SP, because once one of your comments helped me a lot during a rough day. I will be truly sad because you will be gone. You are indeed one very good person and you deserve nothing but happiness.
If you went thru with it, I wish that you finally find your peace that you were looking for.
Martin.