I feel like if I could just feel happy sometimes, I could make it happen more often. Is there anyone else who hardly remembers being happy? I have better times, but they’re still painful. I still feel virtually powerless over my depression. I feel like I should have it figured out by now. It’s been years.
I looked in the mirror earlier, and apart from the walking stick and dressing gown, I looked like an ordinary healthy person. Some days I can function almost completely normally, and I think I must have been exaggerating – I hardly remember what the worst days were like. But it doesn’t last. It can be impossible to know what to expect. A few months ago when I’d been getting steadily worse, I realised one day that I was standing brushing my teeth, and cried because I could stand without feeling any pain… It was probably the closest to happy I’ve been in a long time; I was so grateful. Then one day a couple of weeks ago I woke with so much energy that I even thought about doing a workout. Yesterday I managed to stay on my feet for a long time, but the sunlight and the sounds of people around me made it hell. My family took me out for a treat. I fully appreciate the amazing things they do for me every day, but it’s getting harder to be out in the real world. My anxiety has been worse lately, but worse than that are the times when the muscle weakness and aching returns and I can’t think anymore. I see people walking and laughing and I hardly know what I’m looking at. My family usually start asking me questions when I start getting worse, and I can barely understand the words they’re saying.
Today is another bed day. It’s been sunny, but I closed all the light out of my room because it makes me so ill. I watched a film which distracted me, but the movement and sound left me with my head so sore I was on the verge of tears. My mum spoke to me – I half spoke, half whispered. I want to sit with her because she’s feeling ill, and she asked if I wanted to watch a film with her. But I don’t want to leave my bed, because I hurt again when I stand up… I grow fainter and more confused, and my muscles start seizing up. The physical pain isn’t severe, and it’d be much easier to live my life around if the depression wasn’t so painful. The ‘brain fog’ is another matter – I find it really distressing. Depression is a brutal creature; it gathers anything and everything it can to multiply itself. Smaller problems become lethal in its hands.
I don’t think I’m getting more depressed but I’m losing the ability to distract myself. I have to spend a lot of time indoors and in darkness, I don’t have many friends to confide in, I can’t exercise. I have a lovely life around me. My whole family cares for me without the slightest bitterness that I’m not working and possibly not even nice to be around. I’m grateful for them every day. But still I can’t be happy.
Things have just been getting to me lately. My family is the one thing that stopped me even through the worst times in the past, but if I knew how to die I’d be tempted on days like these. I’m trying not to let the smaller things bother me so much, but it’s just too much. The weight of everything is becoming too heavy to bear.
Most of the time I feel like I’m on the verge of passing out. I never do but I wish I could. I just need it to stop for a while.
7 comments
i dont remember for the life of me what waking up on a sunny day feeling happy feels like. Honestly trix, for the past 6 years ive been so disconnected from the external in a literal/visual sense I couldnt connect no matter how hard I willed it. Ive been steadily declining for a while now. Been fighting this unnamed condition for years. To no avail and no progress whatsoever. Every day is a slog and every moment is torture. I don’t foresee much more of this truly.
I hear your pain. For myself, my family I deeply loathe and on good days really dont like. On bad days the anger is off the charts. I dont think they want to support me anymore either. They sound tired of me. They want me gone, subconsciously yknow.
I remember my past now and I romanticize even the days where I was bed ridden with depression because even then, life was simpler and my symptoms not as severe. I guess I’ll forever rue the day I snorted my first line.
Feel better Trix. Try to take it easy and most of all. Be easy on yourself eh. Some days are impossible and some days you feel much better. I guess it’s truly knowing its a process. It’s a story and some days there wont be as much actuon or its more of a drama and some days its a comesy. Try not to judge it. Just lay back, breathe and picture your happy place.
What is my happy place? I dont know. Another galaxy or parallel universe where I didnt do those drugs and I was born in the right body. *hug* Feel better.
Hey,
Thanks so much for commenting. I’m sorry you’re declining after a long fight. I feel like there has to be a way to feel happiness despite whatever pain life gives you, but I don’t seem much closer to finding it. I don’t really think of it as a story or a process anymore. Physical symptoms change but the depression makes me feel completely stuck, whatever changes around me. Like there’s a wall I’m trying to break down every day.
Anyway, nice to hear a bit about you, because we haven’t spoken before… I’m truly sorry you’re in a similar place, and that you have people around you who don’t seem to want to support you anymore. I hope things get easier on your end. Thanks for the kind comments, I really appreciate them.
@ trix
yeah i totally get that. no matter what changes you still feel just as fucked. I’m losing faith in anything above us. I’m losing all strength day by day actually.
I think what you’re probably feeling is now the monotony of the same shit day in day out. I know thats what I feel. No matter how many new experiences I have I still feel numbed and the same. I think thats compounded when you’re just laying in bed or have the same routine and/or truly dont see a way out. My thoughts are with you.
Thanks Myokardial_Infekshunn. It’s definitely the opposite of an ideal lifestyle for someone with depression. I still try to break my routine when it’s possible, but I know it’s making me worse.
Same here, Trix. Another bed day. Bad day also. My physical pain has been very intense since Friday. I don’t feel like typing much atm but if you ever want to find something to do, we can talk. It doesn’t have to be about pain or depression, just please send me an email if you want to (we can talk about books or painting); 92mtris at gmail
I started writing a post earlier today and I said one word you said yourself — powerless. I feel powerless after 7 years of pain and 11 years of hell.
I’m sending you a big hug and much light and love.
M
<3
Thanks Tris, I’ll send you an email so you have mine too.
I’ve also been particularly bad lately. Sometimes it just happens but I think this time it’s following my sister visiting. I didn’t go on walks with them and I came home early and rested each day, but being out more that week seems to have left me worse. So sorry you’ve been feeling awful too. Big hugs. I wish I could take away the pain for you. Xx