I’m realizing now; just how many issues I really have. My dad has severed any bond we had built over the past few years. The bond that was so fragile after years of abuse and death threats. He became enraged over a mistake I made that did not affect him. Now, I’ve no family. But I don’t understand why this is affecting me so much now. I’ve never been loved or accepted by my family.
My mother used me as a servant and emotionally manipulated me to do her bidding. My father constantly threatened to murder me and would constantly degrade me. This is your typical sob story, I suppose but the realization I have comes in about 14 years ago. My depression began on July 16th, 2011. That is also the day my Grandfather died.
He was the only man I’ve ever loved with more of my soul and being in the entire universe. I died the day he passed away as well as my childhood and any hopes for a loving relationship.
Now, as I sit in my empty lonely apartment 14 years later, quietly suffering in unbearable pain over the “loss” of my family or whatever was left of it, I can’t help but think about how much I want a family.
I want the unconditional love and constant support system. I want someone to sense that I’m feeling sad and know exactly how to make me feel better. I want someone to see past my smiles and laughter and understand just how many badly i’m bleeding. I want to feel love and loyalty.
I’m tired of feeling lonely. I’m tired of feeling like i’m not worth more than the handful of pills it’d take to kill me. I want to join my grandpa and feel loved again. I don’t want to feel pain anymore. I don’t want to disappoint anyone anymore. I can’t take this any longer. I can feel myself pulling away and beating on the edges of my body. I can feel like I won’t be on this Earth much longer and i’m so happy to know that I may finally reach the warm glow of loving light that I’ve always craved and needed to survive.
5 comments
It’s really hard to be alone in the world, with no emotional support but yourself. Do you have any other relatives or friends that you’re close enough to, that you can talk with about how you feel? One of the tragedies of modern society is how a person can be so isolated while in a city surrounded by thousands of other people.
I don’t have anyone. I’ve tried reaching out to friends but the general response I get is, “Oh, well it’ll be ok.” “Don’t worry.” or “Why are we still talking about this? Get over it.” I really just wanted to write one last post before I left.
I just don’t feel like i’m going to be around much longer.
I’m sorry you don’t have anyone you can talk to. There’s a pretty good group of people on here, and I’m sure if you keep posting, others will jump in with their thoughts.
Would you consider calling a local crisis line to talk to someone in real time? I’m sure there is one you can call there. Or even the 800 SUICIDE line. If you’ve definitely decided to do it, that may not be an option for you, but it sounds like you may still be undecided.
I crave that glow too. I miss my grandmere. I wish I could hear her laugh. Im so tired of suffering and pain. No more emotions yknow?
that moment when you realize how fucked you really are eh. You get a glimpse of the hurricane that will never cease inside of you. I think acknowledging and coming to terms with your pain is the first step to making peace with it. its a long journey, but i believe in you.