So I admitted to my sister yesterday that I need mental help. I’ve been trying to deal with my depression and anxiety myself, but this week has been one long, constant breakdown. I heard a train go through town yesterday and my first thought was, “I wish I was there to jump in front of it.” And I realized I’m not strong enough to handle it myself anymore, if I ever was.
My sister tried to help me herself by telling me ways she deals with it. She has a 1 year old to think of though so she wouldn’t ever kill herself. If she did, he would go to his piece-of-shit, abusive dad on the opposite side of the country. She wouldn’t do that to him. I don’t have kids to keep me here (nor do I want them). Her and I are half sisters and we have completely different personalities, but we’re extremely close. My way of getting better or dealing with things won’t be the same as her methods. She tells me I just need to “get out there and be around people.” I have severe social anxiety. I don’t think forcing myself to have an anxiety attack and embarrassing myself by completely shutting down in front of everyone would be the best way to start getting better.
I am actually extremely happy being alone and not around a bunch of randoms. And I tell her that and she gets pissed at me saying,
“That’s your depression talking. You won’t get better if you continue doing the same thing that’s making you worse. I don’t know why you come to me for help just to turn down my advice. I’m not talking with you about this anymore.”
In reality, I never get time to be alone. I work 40 hours a week. Then the weekend comes and if I don’t come out to see my family every weekend, they make me feel guilty about it and make me feel like they’re disappointed in me for being selfish and wanting to spend a weekend doing something I want, such as relaxing alone. Or they ask me to do them a favor, and after a 40 hour work week I don’t really want to spend my weekend doing chores and things for them (especially since I have my own chores to do), but I do anyway because I don’t like letting people down or the guilt of turning people down.
I don’t think my depression is caused by being alone or that I want to be alone because of my depression (it could be to an extent, but I don’t think it’s my real issue). There’s just no pressure on anything when you’re by yourself. The only standard you have to live up to is your own. I can be who I want without any discomfort. Spending time without trying to live up to any expectations is such a nice, freeing feeling. So yes, I like spending some time alone and I don’t think I’m weak because of it.
No one will really help me. They just vomit up ideas and expect me to use them, when they don’t even know what my issues are. That’s like telling someone who has a headache to ice their ankle and getting mad at them for saying that won’t help them.
I’m really trying though. I really want help. I don’t want, nor do I like, feeling like this constantly.
3 comments
Here to listen if your up for it. I’m 99.9% sure I can relate to you in one way or another. Thanks for reaching out that shows great strength and it’s honestly a step in the right direction because not a single soul can battle mental illness alone 🙂 and FYI you aren’t alone, here for you always. XOXO lostgirl
I completely relate to what you’re saying. When I tell others I’d rather be alone they believe it’s my depression or anxiety making me this way. I don’t enjoy doing everything everyone wants while making myself miserable. I just like being alone and there are many people who do as well. I think it’s about learning to say “no” to others and “yes” to yourself.
You work hard and you deserve some time to yourself. You can spend maybe one or two weekends with your family but if need time to yourself feel free to speak up. I understand feeling guilty about letting others down, but sometimes you have to be selfish in order to work towards recovery. Many people won’t understand but you understand what you need, so don’t feel guilty.
that’s a great step, admitting that you need/want help. Don’t let your sister take that away from you. She’s not a professional and you are 100% right, you are two different people living in two completely different worlds and facing different challenges. If you have the strength, maybe see your GP and get a referral to a psychologist or therapist. And like hiohneh said, your first responsibility is to you. Never feel guilty about it. People continuslly guilting you into doing something for or with them are being selfish and unfair to you.
Anyway, congratulations on this big step! Hope you can find the strength to take the next step.