My first job has me so stressed out I don’t even want to go and I’m tempted to give the keys back and say I’m not going to open in the mornings anymore but I probably won’t do that just yet. It feels like I’m going to get fired they have been getting pissed at me over a lot of little things and this time it’s major (to them) and they are highly pissed. 1. There’s 3 people here, two owners and me, their only employee. 2. From day 1 they have operated under the policy that I don’t need to know anything until I’m told. Then they wonder why I’m clueless a lot. Ahem. I’m not to know anything that’s why. 3. We don’t work in the same location and I don’t see them. They got their own office elsewhere.
So anyway, what happened was a client put up a blog on his own yesterday which almost never happens. So they are pissed off at me for not QA’ing or publishing it live. It was never assigned to me, that’s why. The client put it up. Then they come back at me with a lie!!!! Saying that I have never put up a blog for that client when I have!!! Almost all blogs are assigned to me in one way, either publishing or QA. We use Trello as an assignment board. They haven’t been filling the assignment board in the last few weeks except very late in the week. They didn’t have it filled yesterday so even if it was assigned, how the fuck am I to know? Well they think I don’t understand how their process works after all this time. What a fucking crock of shit. I’ve seen holes in their process from day one and kept my mouth shut. Everyone on earth thinks I’m a dumbshit. This is why I wanted a job at the DMV with my friend who worked there when I moved to Chicago but the state thinks I’m too dumb to work for them too. But I need a job that is cut & dry, yes or no, black & white, by the books because THAT IS HOW I FUCKING WORK!! I’m not a god damn psychic, I dont have telepathy, and nothing pisses me off more than having to guess what people are thinking!!!
So on top of that, I worry what crazy shit the guy I love is gonna do on his birthday coming up. It hurts so much he’d consider paying someone rather than just have the true love I have for him.
I swear, if I could just have a gun and end it that quickly, I would! I’m afraid it never gets easier. My mom’s 58 and hates life and has never been happy either. My grandma died at 84 never having known happiness either. What the fuck is there to make me think I’ll ever get to be happy!?! Because I won’t!!! I’ll never have the good paying job and my man to come home to!!!!
2 comments
Sounds like the bosses need to get their stuff together… It’s a perfectly reasonable expectation that they tell you exactly what you need to do in a timely manner. I suppose telling them areas where they could improve wouldn’t go over well? What would you need to be able to work at the DMV?
Your guy… he doesn’t seem to realize what a caring person you are and all that you have to offer. His mistake, honestly.
I have my doubts about happiness. I think if you could reach a point where you are past these kinds of feelings, feel comfortable with the person you are, gain some satisfaction from the job you have, and perhaps even be with someone who accepts who you are, then that would probably be happiness. I think the first two are most important, though, I’d love to have those.
How’s your physical pain been?
No, it wouldn’t go over well. They’ve been running their business for 5 years. It’s not going to grow as is. They may get more clients, but it’s really just maintaining their employment, and not mine so much. I’ve always thought there was way too much back and forth with clients. There must be some level of trust on the client’s part to hire a firm to post things to social media on their behalf. Asking for approval 100 times from 100 different people (maybe a little exaggeration there) says to me, if I were a client, that these people really don’t have a grasp on I’m looking for. I mean, with some clients it’s more open to whatever is on topic. But with some, there’s so much back and forth, asking for permission and approval endlessly. And I’m supposed to have known to go over everyone’s head and put something live yesterday? Really?? And as for state jobs here, you take a test, and the highest score gets the chance at the next job opening. It’s not enough to just get an A. You need 100% or you’ll never be called up for a job.
And I’m in a ton of pain. I guess I’m maintaining ever so slightly better since being put on the nerve medicine.
What I need to be happy is (1) financial stability & a place to live that doesn’t have a hard end date, and (2) the love of my life to come home to. Both things will never happen.
What hurts the worst is I can’t even hold him. He complains and considers strip clubs and hookers over just letting me hold him close and showing him any love, affection or comfort. It makes me feel like real shit, like I just don’t count for anything. I’ve even had ex’es that didn’t love me and didn’t want to fuck me who let me hold them when they felt like shit about things. But the one time I really fall deeply in love, no, I can’t be a source of comfort to him.