I’ve been a member of this site for about a year now and I’m just now posting for the first time. I was hoping beyond hope that maybe, just maybe, reading what everyone else had to say, what they deal with, how they cope, would make me realize that my life wasn’t as shitty as I thought it was. Unfortunately, it didn’t. Nothing seems to help. Normally I try to avoid talking in essays when I don’t need to, but in this case I’m going to say fuck it and just say what I want, because chances are I won’t be around much longer to find out what everyone has to say about it.
A little bit about me: I’m 21 years old, white, male, I have a roof over my head, and I live a semi-comfortable lifestyle. I’m currently in my fourth year of college, 3 and a half years of which has been spent taking a full 12 credit hours a semester. So at first glance I’m not all that bad off. But here’s where things start getting messy. Academically I’m still a sophomore. I’m not just one semester behind, but two. Soon it will be three because no matter what I keep telling myself mentally, I know for a fact that I’m going to fail this semester as well if I’m even still around to see the end of it. Two years ago I was diagnosed with ADHD, and I’ve been having a hard fucking time learning to deal with it. No matter what I do or what medications I take I can’t make myself concentrate on school long enough to do anything productive. I just got off of academic suspension after failing last fall semester and so far history is just repeating itself.
On top of that I’m constantly exhausted. I go to bed hoping that I won’t have to wake up in the morning even though I know I will, and when I do I just want to go right back to sleep. Truthfully, about 90% of the time I do exactly that because I’m just so fucking tired that I can’t even think about doing anything else. And on those rare occasions when I am awake I don’t bother even considering the idea of doing schoolwork anymore because I feel like there’s no point in even putting forth the effort when I know I won’t be around long enough to graduate.
I’ve done everything I can possibly think of to fix the situation I’m in, but at this point I’m pretty much over trying. I have no close friends to talk to (thanks in no small part to my ADHD, everyone I know thinks I’m weird and avoids talking to me whenever possible. Hell, I’ve never even had a girlfriend for that specific reason. Who would want to date some spastic geek?) and my parents just don’t seem to understand how much this is affecting me. My dad has some idea since he also has ADHD, but he doesn’t suffer from depression so he doesn’t get entirely what I’m going through. My mom just thinks that if I try hard enough I can learn to deal with it and I’ll be completely fine. I’m locked up in my room almost constantly, lying in bed and either reading a book to get away from reality for a while or watching funny Youtube videos because they make me not feel like complete shit, and they don’t seem to even notice. I’ve tried to seek outside help, but my therapist refuses to officially diagnose me with depression despite the fact that one of the school therapists has already told me I have it. So I don’t even have the support of the guy I’m paying $80+ per appointment to help me deal with my shit. Great help he is.
And now we’re at the biggest part of my story, and the reason for the title. Ever heard of the perfect, angelic child that can do no wrong? Well, I’m pretty much the exact opposite. No matter what I do I always somehow manage to fuck it up. Try to vacuum the house, the vacuum bag was full and didn’t pick up anything. Empty the dishwasher, I put the dishes away in the wrong places. Drive a car, I end up in an accident or getting a speeding ticket because my ADHD gives me a lead foot when I drive. My parents constantly say it’s okay, that I’ve learned my lesson and I’ll do better next time, but I never do. The lesson never seems to stick no matter how much I want it to. And at this point I think they’re starting to lose hope for me as well. My mom thinks I can’t hear her crying to my grandparents on the phone about my most recent fuck up, but I can. She talks louder than she thinks she does. Every once in a while I’m lucky enough to overhear her talking about something I did a few years ago instead of a few days ago. Remember that car crash I got into three years ago? No? Well, now I do. And those hurt even more because they make me realize that while I may think I’ve been forgiven for something I did years ago, in reality I haven’t. Sometimes I just feel like purposefully driving into a fucking lake with the windows rolled down just so that I don’t have to worry about whether or not I’ll be forgiven for it.
I’m a constant disappointment and I’m honestly tired of putting my parents through that, so I’m going to make sure it stops. In about two weeks I’ll be refilling my ADHD med prescriptions, and when I do I’ll take them. All of them. All at one time. Most likely not long after my parents have left for work so I know they’ll have plenty of time to do their thing. If I’m lucky 30 days’ worth of pills will be enough and I’ll be long gone by the time anyone gets home. I’ll have 10 hours, from 8 in the morning when they leave until 6 in the evening when they get home. I think that will be more than enough time. I’ll perform one last disappointing act to put an end to the otherwise seemingly endless stream of them. I know it’ll hurt, but eventually they’ll get over it. And one big hurt is better than dozens of little hurts that will keep happening as long as I’m around. I’ve got a journal with a few letters to people who are important to me that I know for a fact I’ll never get the courage to give to them, so if I can bring myself to do it I’ll probably post those over the course of the next couple of weeks just so that my thoughts and feelings aren’t left completely unsaid and, maybe by some miraculous stroke of dumb luck, those thoughts and feelings will eventually find their way to the people who really deserve to hear them.
Props to anyone who’s still reading after all that mess. You’ve got a much better attention span than I do. Now, I’ve got an essay due by midnight tonight on a book that I haven’t even read yet that I need to go avoid doing. So, I will possibly be back some time soon with my first letter. If I’m not then I’ll see you all on the other side.
3 comments
Again with the moderation.. I should probably stop with the links.
I was spammed, oh how dare they… Copying and pasting what I wrote last night
I know you aren’t the first one who lurked a while before your first post. If you aren’t getting what you need from that therapist, then go to a different one. You are the one paying him, and you deserve the help you know you need. There’s at least one who will listen and diagnose you officially with depression, and you can see where things can go from there.
It’s got to be difficult to focus with just your ADHD, and the depression isn’t helping things at all. That sucks. But there’s plenty of people out there who have ADHD and manage to deal with those things, it took them time to find a system that worked but they got there eventually. I know there are websites and other resources for coping with that side of things, and there are treatments for depression too, maybe you’ll find something that can help with both. Sorry, I know you said you’ve tried different methods to concentrate, and they didn’t work for you, but there’s usually something else out there that could help improve things. And there are people who have ADHD who manage to find friends and have relationships. I found a website, there might be something on there useful to you, if not I’m sorry. h t t p ://www.additudemag.com/channel/adult-add-adhd/index.html I found it because I was wondering if sticky notes could help at all. Obviously I don’t know what it’s like to be in your situation, and there is only so much I can say from a layman’s standpoint, and I know that what works for one person won’t work for another. You’ve got a double dose of yuck.
I’m also sorry that you are constantly reminded of the times you made mistakes, it’s not like they were something that you wanted to do, you shouldn’t have to feel so bad about them. I know this is hard for you to deal with, just like it’s hard for your parents to deal with. Sometimes talking about it releases a bit of the worry, i don’t think it’s a sign that you weren’t forgiven for the times you didn’t do things ‘right’, I think it means that she worries about you and doesn’t understand why you have to deal with this, or why it’s so hard to change, even though a bit of time has passed. And she probably remembers those past times, especially the car crash, because it hurt her that you were being hurt.
The death of a child, no matter the means, is not something a parent ever gets over. I do have to say that. They may reach a level of functionality, but they always carry the loss with them. That hurt will classify as enormous. I’m not trying to give you a guilt trip, though it probably sounds like it. I’m being honest here.
About your plan… Pill OD’ing is haphazard at best, what will most likely happen is your body will vomit them all up, and leave you with a lot of stomach pain.
And also? I care what you have to say. Obviously you’re important enough for a stranger to take the time to reply, and there’s more than one stranger out there who will be willing to reach pass that ‘spastic geek’. I don’t think what you wrote could be classified as a ‘mess’, though.
I hope you come back around. Maybe you could tell me what books you read, I’ve run out of authors.
Hey, I can identify with practicallly everything you wrote, though I wasn’t diagnosed until after school (changed majors/took breaks/had one academic suspension before finally finishing). Smashed a few cars, lost my liscence for speeding within a year of having it… Fucked up a lot of shit. And even my parents sound quite similar. One thing I’ve learned, is that, like many people, I judge myself in a way I would never judge others, nor would others judge me. Like you did with your post, it’s structured and coherent, not at all a mess. Your parents seem to love and support you, so your mom is likely concerned, not complaining to your grandmother. It can’t be easy for a parent to see their child fighting but feel they should be doing more to help. That doesn’t make you a disappointment, it makes you loved.
Anyway, if you ever need to talk, random strangers are listening.