So I haven’t been updating recently and a lot has happened in my life, so I decided that I needed to somehow let it all out and share with you guys. DISCLAIMER: It will be long …
So idk if I told you but my cousin moved back to my city (he used to live in Chicago) and he’s currently training to be a police man, but something that has been bothering me since he got here.. First of all, he doesn’t live with us, he lives with his other grandma. Second of all, my mom and grandma spend every single night during the week making him his lunch for the next day and cooking him dinner. Last but not least, my grandma and mom wash his clothes and bedsheets … Let me just inform you that he is 23 years old.
I’m still seeing my psychologist and unfortunately have been lying to him .. In a way for me to stop going but at the same time I still share some of my feelings with him and how (not most of the time) I’ve been feeling lately. To be quite honest with you, I’ve began to feel a little more comfortable with my body, therefore I should probably buy different clothes that suit my body type (fucking hour glass body type). But as I’ve shared this with him, I’ve also shared with him that with my cousin around, I feel like the attention that I was used to since the last suicide attempt is gone and at the same time it frustrates me that my mom and grandma could do anything for him, but most of the time, I have to do my own laundry and make my own food and what not, so that’s been affecting me lately.
Still not taking my medications.. Thinking that maybe I could try suicide again but this time with more and different pills .. meaning .. my meds … currently saving them for the next time I need them. I’ve been researching about it and I could either end up in the hospital (like with any med overdose) or could actually fall into a coma…which … honestly I wouldn’t mind.
With that said as you can see my depression hasn’t been getting any good, but at the same time is not as bad as to commit suicide anytime soon.
My work … Dear lord .. Well let’s say that I’m quitting in November which is something I’m looking forward to. My boss still sexually harasses me and I low-key told my mom but she kinda of brushed it away ..Also he told me I should probably quit school so I could go to work more often instead of studying ..What a fucking asshole. On other news, lately he’s been treating me like a piece of shit, so I’ve been giving him so attitude because after almost a year of having to deal with him and with all the anger suppressed, I had to defend myself somehow. Yeah .. it didn’t quite go well since he cut some of my hours and ended up treating me even worse, which at the same time is not helping with my depression, especially since I’m not taking my medication.
School. The subject you all know I hate to talk about. Well, I dropped my communications class because it was too stressful and was making my anxiety and depression even worse. And at the same time, I realized I kinda wanted to change majors or at least have two. Still working on psychology which I am loving by the way and learning a lot about me and others around me, which could be dangerous because self-diagnosing is not always the best. Anyways, I’ve decided to take on Child Development as my other major, since I’ve always loved being involved with kids and interestingly, have always been drawn to them and them to me, which makes me think that I might be good at it. At first I was afraid of telling my mom and dad, but surprisingly enough they were so supportive and told me to take my time with school and if needed also take a break. Which I’ve been talking about to my mom, thinking that maybe focusing on my mental illness for a year with less stressful factors could help it.
Entertainment. I’ve always been watching PewDiePie on YouTube and whatnot, but lately I’ve been really into Dan & Phil and to be honest, they have been helping a lot with my mood swings and my depressive episodes that I experience more and more often lately. Also music has been of great help, as I was able to reconnect with what I’ve always loved and what clams me .. Surprisingly lol since the kind of music I listen to is mostly Rock and Punk and stuff like that with …. some Kpop lol … My deepest secret is out. I’m a Kpop girl but whatever that’s me.
Also ..
My birthday was October 1st and for the first time in my life. I felt like I really didn’t care for my birthday. It felt like any other day.
Well that was a lot to take in. Still with suicidal thoughts and very depressive episodes, so I will try to come and post more often as a form of venting.
P.S. Still lying to people as you can tell. Being it friends or family, doesn’t matter. Lying has become a way of life for me.
1 comment
I think it’s weird that they are babying your cousin, especially since he doesn’t live with them, he’s 23 he can do his own laundry and make his own food. I think they might be doing it just because he hasn’t been around as much so they want to shower him with attention while he’s there, it’ll probably taper off.
I thought the point of a psychologist was you told your problems and he/she helps find ways to solve them, I hope you’re at least giving him a broad overview of the way you’ve been feeling even if you don’t go into specifics…
Your boss sounds like a complete ass, have you ever thought of reporting him/is there any one to report him to? He’s a creep.
With regards to school, I think you’re right, a lighter course schedule or even a break could be beneficial to you, as college is a lot to do. Child Development and Psychology sound like an interesting match together.
I don’t necessarily lie, I just present a version of myself that doesn’t reflect everything that I’m feeling. I’ve felt that way about my birthdays too, it’s eh.
Vent away.